Tag Archives: funny

Think Different

18 Oct

Apple CEO Steve Jobs: Visionary. Inventor. Creative genius. Entrepreneur. Gifted marketer. An inspiration to all.

In the spirit of creativity, fun, and entrepreneurship, here are eight quirky – yet original – novelty products you may not have seen anywhere else.

1. Ice Screams – You scream, I scream, we all scream for Edvard MunchThe Scream” ice cube molds. These clever blocks of ice will surely impress the pretentious academics and wretched overachievers at your next cocktail soiree.

Arrrgh!

 

2. Wasabi Gumballs.  Yum, kids. Forget those tutty fruity, wimpy minty flavors – we got horseradish!

3. What’s a party without a couple dozen Stupidiotic Pills in the candy dish? When you’re short on liquor, these will surely do the trick – and quicker.  And totally legal! Of course, some folks won’t need any chemical assistance whatsoever in achieving sheer foolishness – they are naturals.

4.  Bacon Flavored Toothpicks. Ideal for plucking celery strands from between your bicuspids. And so classy, too!

Sharp!

 

5.  Unicorn Meat. “Excellent source of sparkles. Product of Ireland. Magic in every bite.”  Hey, don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it. I hear it tastes like chicken gizzards. But a leprechaun told me that, so who knows?

6.  Roadrage Megaphone. “Every car needs one.”  A great gift for that special family member with an anger management issue. Particularly effective in New York and Los Angeles where bullying is a sport.

7.  Shakespearean Insult Gum. My favorite! Put literate louts in their place with a highbrow crack from the Bard himself. “Thy breath stinks from eating toasted cheese.”

Thou suck!

 

8. Handerpants. Underpants for your hands. Supports the palms. Great for pajama blogging or playing the piano in a bordello. Let your fingers do the walking… to the wild side.

Photo Credits: Apple Computer, Barb Best

All products available at AAH’S.

copyright 2011

Celebrity Smile

17 Oct

Yay! I’m the guest humorist at the funny “Stupid Ass Questions” blog all this week. It’s a hilarious spoof on “Dear Abby.”  Ask a stupid question, get a stupid…

I’ll be answering a new stupid question every day! Please check it out. Monday’s fun at SAQ + my short “Celebrity Smile” video is here…

“Stupid Ass Questions”

 

Special thanks to Suzie at SAQ and to humorists Rose Valenta & Dan Burt.

11 Funny Money Tips

14 Sep
BARB BEST

Love ya Ben!

The economy sucks big time. We must cut corners. We must stuff our piggy banks ’til they burst at the seams. We must pinch pennies ’til they scream to be tossed into the nearest fountain.

Here are 11 Money Saving TIPS… you may not have seen elsewhere!

  • Recycle dental floss. This requires some imagination (and admittedly it is fairly gross) but if you’re conscientious about oral hygiene (and I hope you are) – you’ll rake in the bucks.
  • The kitchen whisk doubles nicely as a head massager. Self-pleasure is the name of the game here. The moola saved on masseuse fees and the hours spent begging your spouse for a freebie is saved. Voila!
  • Who needs “Meatless Mondays?” Why not “Meatless Months” and “Supper-free Seasons” for bona fide fiscal impact?
  • Join the legions of lazies who subscribe religiously to “Waffle Week.” Frozen waffles make a dandy meal for the entire family. And they are only $3.59 a box. ($3.49 if you have a lousy coupon)
  • Let’s see how much they really love you! Shake down Gramps and Granny for some serious dental gold, old cigarette lighters, brass knuckles, and silver fountain pens. While you’re at it, filch the sterling tea service in the dining room they never use. Then beat a beeline – with your shiny stash – to the local pawnbroker or gold dealer for some quick cash.
  • The pet toy business is a $25 billion dollar industry. You need not spend big dollars to keep your pets feeling adored and entertained. A Goldfish cracker on kite string or used dental floss (see TIP #1) makes a nifty cat toy for Little Fluffy. (And she’ll thank you for the fresher breath)
  • Skippy loves to play, too. According to NSNC award winning humorist Dawn Weber, asphalt makes a fine (and free) dog chew toy. After dark, take the kids and head over to the nearby Interstate with your handy jack hammer. Drill, baby, drill. Bag yourself some choice chunks. Hours of pleasure for puppy.

Dawn Lighten Up

  • Instead of a fancy schmancy birthday cake for those extra special family members, how about a vat of communal humus and day old cupcakes? Yum.
  • I realize this is a touchy subject with some of you. However, please consider diluting your daily bottles of “Mom Wine.” This will make it stretch a little longer, thus saving you a load of loot (and perhaps a few brain cells, too).
BarbBest

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

  • Home energy costs got you down? Turn the heater “OFF.” For warmth, scrounge up your old, sad holiday candles and fire away. Tell your children you’re conducting a home school study unit on Colonial America. Wow, how our spunky settlers dealt with their harsh, bitter cold winters!
  • Vacations are so passe. “Staycations” are the thing now. What an excellent opportunity to camp out on your sofa, binge on Costco snacks, and catch up on juicy episodes of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” and “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Watching those crazy broads roll in the dough is, at least, a vicarious kick.

FACTOID: The “staycation” was invented by Donna Reed in the classic film “It’s A Wonderful Life.” No money for that honeymoon in Hawaii? So what, we got chickens on the spit!” Right in our living room! Hooray!

25 Things I DON’T Wanna Do Before I Croak!

10 Aug

I have a bucket list, but I also have a F*#!-it” List.

25 THINGS I DON’T WANNA DO BEFORE I CROAK!

1)  Have my hard drive crash, thus losing decades of cherished family photo albums and irreplaceable funny cat videos.

2) A lumbar puncture. There does not exist a potent enough painkiller in the cosmos to make this procedure tolerable, let alone pleasurable.

3) A fiscal colonoscopy by Wall Street or the I.R.S.

4)  A taste tour of Malaysian food stalls and rat-infested street bazaars with Andrew Zimmern, the oafish host of The Travel Channel‘s “Bizarre Foods.”  Call me unadventurous, but I got zero hankerings for his brand of “gourmet” food – goat gonads tartare, fried scorpion nuts and snake snot on-a-stick.  Yuck… it, dude!

 

Photo Credit: The Travel Channel

 

5)  Wear “Pugnacious Purple” incessantly. This color looks great on The California Raisins, but not on me!

Photo Credit: kisbyto.blogspot.com

 

The tiniest blemishes and flaws – especially those on your face, neck and ankles due to errant veins and capillaries – will POP like fireworks in the blackest night. Do you really want to stick out like a sore Barney the Dino?

I Love You!

 

6)  Sleep with Mick Jagger.  Such an ill-advised tryst would result in a case of multiple whip lash caused by his colossal… wrinkles.

 

 

7)  Sit through one more vulgar, moronic male buddy comedy. You know who you are – Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler.

8 ) Clean out that weird mess imbedded in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator.

9)  Lose that elusive five (okay, fifteen) pounds.

10) Enjoy sit-ups and belly fat crunches. I don’t want to feel the burn – I don’t even want to feel the lukewarm.  (Luke Wilson, maybe..)

11) Swim from Cuba to the Florida Keys.  (Good try, Diana Nyad)

 

Photo Credit: Best of Florida Keys

 

12)  Master the Macarena.

13)  Learn Mandarin.

14)  Rub elbows and knees with Brad and Angelina.

15)  Wear a sleep bra.

16)  Read a history of sock puppets.

17)  Get excited about the latest celebrity hairstyles (exception – Lady Gaga)

18)  Savor the subtle hint of hot sauce in Al Roker’s Artichoke Dip.

19)  Cuddle an armadillo.

Photo Credit: Jerry Segraves

 

20) Be stalked by TMZ – especially if I’m sans make-up.

21) Embrace rap music and hip-hop. “Yo, ho bitch.”

22) Pretend I’m remotely interested in the NFL picks, lingerie football or ice hockey brawls.

23) Watch another cutesy car insurance commercial.

24) Boo hoo over spilled soy milk.

25) Regret missed planes, bad luck, false friends and lost loves.

EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW! WHAT’S ON YOUR F*#!-it LIST?

 

What’s Up Doc?

11 Jan

TheDoctorsTVshow

WHAT’S UP DOC?

Doc, you’re so funny

Surely you jokes,

Forget the fat?

No more smokes?

photo credit: delish.com

Lay off the sugar?

Ease off the salt?

Whoa, no more booze

Not even malt?

theblueseatsnyc.com

Doc, that’s a good one

My sides are splitting,

Oh, what I’d give if only…

You were kidding!

Buy card at RxLaughter.org

Check out the 501c3 nonprofit http://www.rxlaughter.org/

(Previously published – Barb Best – in print – The Malibu Times)

Most Annoying People of 2010

28 Dec

Hi fellow Blasters!  These are 5 of my most annoying — who are yours?

Eliot Spitzer (Too ugly for a photo here)

This loser sleazeball is rewarded for being a scuzzy sleazeball by being gifted a tedious TV show with journalist Kathleen Parker.

cnn store

Cynics may venture a wild guess that this is CNN’s flaccid attempt to jack up cheesy sexual curiosity for (you guessed it) ratings.

Load up on Purell, Ms. Parker.

purell.com

Justin Bieber

Too young. Too cute. Sings like a girl. Way too successful for a weeny little puppy.

justjaredjr.buzznet.com

Call me in ten years, Bieber.  I’ll tuck you in then!

Hugh Hefner

the more the merrier

105 year old Hugh Hefner and his 15 year old fiance + all of his former main squeezes – especially the ones with their own reality shows. (you know who you are)

Yup, macho man Hef will keep her up all night – with diaper changes.

Hiccup Girl

Help, I can't stop!

If there is anything more annoying than having hiccups yourself (especially at the theater or on a hot date) – it is “hiccup girl.”  “BOO” to you!

Charlie Sheen

Why does “bad boy behavior” (domestic violence, assault, drugs, disorderly conduct, etc.) translate into increased popularity on a family oriented TV sitcom?

Do not collect $2,000,000

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