Tag Archives: cute dog

Charities I’d Like To See

14 Nov

* Habitat for Hummus

Join the movement to salvage the scurrilous reputation of hummus – that much maligned chickpea pigeon poop paste that even rabid goats and war camp detainees won’t suck on if they are starving to death. So what if this trendy excuse for guano isn’t as nutritious as smoked bacon or French onion dip?

I say it’s compost and I say to hell with it!

Bottoms Up!

* MADT – Mothers Against Drunk Texting

This is captain obvious, but we all know how deadly serious this issue is.  Loose lips sink friendships. Friends don’t let friends drink and send.  Don’t just take the keys; take the keywords and the keyboards.  BTW OMG NO TM WEN BLOTTO BOOHOO TYVM

* Save the Nails

This 501(c)3 provides respectable manicures for the truly needy. For those who suffer from the heartbreak of sore, split, chipped, chewed, broken, jagged, anemic pathetic looking fingernails.

For those of you whose horny protrusions at the tips of your gnarly digits barely seem fit for scraping year old chewing gum off the gas station restroom floor, let alone for quality time with your Blackberry.

* The Red Floss

All donations to this health care initiative fund medical research aimed at curing bleeding gums when you floss.  Put an end to the horror you feel when you spit a mouthful of fire engine red blood into your sparkling white bathroom sink.

glub, glub

* The Make A Dish Foundation

A Le Cordon Bleu Chef will come to your home, plop you down in front of the TV with a chilled glass of Chardonnay and a fat jar of cocktail onions, then proceed to your kitchen where he/she will lovingly cook and serve you the five-star, gourmet meal of your salivary gland dreams.

Bon appetit!

* The Smile Train Wreck

Donations to this organization will bribe prominent cosmetic surgeons to risk their medical malpractice insurance ratings to try to correct that crooked smile on your loved one’s face. So what if you don’t have a cleft lip or cleft palate? (Think Dick Cheney!)

* Plant Parenthood

An education initiative that helps educate and rehabilitate those of us who lack a green thumb.

You know whom you are, you sad sacks who can’t keep a potted plant alive in your kitchen for more than a few days.

Heal the despair and low self-esteem that comes from not being trusted to take care of a measly houseplant.


* Old McDonald House

Old McDonald House is a residential facility supervised by mental health practitioners where the extreme animal lover can heal their addiction to their four-legged, furry, foul-smelling friends.

Yes, it’s nice to have a dog or cat, but you have a problem if before you know it you’re hoarding animals in your studio apartment.

A rescue mutt here, a stray cat there, a sick puppy here and there, and – E-Eye-E-Eye-Oh – before you know it you’ve got a shipload of kitties, cockatoos, chickens, a pig, a pony and a five foot boa constrictor (he was so cute as a baby).

credit:Dorling Kindersley:DK Readers


Diets for Dudes

27 Sep

Hey dudes!  Why should we chicks have all the fun with food?

Pink is not just for girls!

As you guys wolf down double cheeseburgers and gloriously greasy, heavenly salt drenched French fries, we women obsess over calorie and carb counts – daily depriving ourselves of everything remotely fattening. Why should we be the only ones to starve our bodies and souls on onerous fad diets?

There’s an obesity epidemic and – guess what – it is most definitely your fault! We women are obviously fighting the good fight.

Gee, dieting is such fun!

Don’t slide down that slippery slope on your corpulent love handles and middle-age belly fat to chronic diabetes, lower back pain, prostate pee problems and – oh my Viagra! – sexual dysfunction.

Because I care deeply, I have designed the following diets especially for you:


The Dine with your Dog Diet

What the woof are table manners?

Eat all of your meals on the virus-ridden linoleum kitchen floor with your lovable, sloppy four-legged buddy.  This will hopefully curb your appetite – so what if you develop a few antisocial habits?

The Tic-Tac Diet

Yes, Virgil, tic-tacs are a food group. Waddle over to your local 7-11 and grab a fistful of these zesty little flavor fests.  Great when chased down with Red Bull.

The Bronx Cheer Diet

Say Cheese!

Forget South Beach, Forget Beverly Hills, and definitely forget Scarsdale.  The Bronx is where it’s at when it comes to trendy cuisine of the truly beautiful.

The Salmonella Doughnut Diet

Dunkin’ Doughnuts, Krispy Crème, Hostess, pick your poison.  Look cool hanging out at salmonella tainted doughnut shops with slacker cops and methadone addicts.

Get the sugar high of your life as you scarf down tons of powdered sugar, lumpy jam fillings and polyurethane chocolate frosting– plus all the cheap Joe you can swill. Even your porcine appetite will dwindle.

Sugar, Sugar!

The Zoned-Out Diet

Space out on every video game you can steal from your fanatic computer geek cousin. The resulting neurological damage and relentless muscle spasms will hinder your ability to shovel tons of junk food down your gullet.

The Colon Hydrotherapy Diet

Need we say more? “Don’t make me get the hose!”

The Smut Diet

Not to be crass, but your right hand will constantly be “indisposed” therefore you will likely cut down your food intake by 50-65%.

The Rugged Man Fiber Diet

Eat crushed pineapple for every meal, chase it down with a quart of papaya juice. Yum, top it off with shredded coconut. You’ll have the runs so much you’ll think you’re training for a triathlon in an undeveloped country. So what if the pounds lost are in precious body fluids?

I love sit-ups!

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