Tag Archives: college humor

Freshman Funny

30 Aug

COLLEGE SURVIVAL 101 for Helicopter Kids 

How the heck are you going to survive that first heart wrenching, nut-grinding year away from Home Sweet Home and your helicopter mommy?

Here are 10 tough love tips:

1)    COOL IT. Get over the nauseating hype already. You’re not dying, you’re not even sick, drama queen. Your time watching MTV at home will merely be interrupted by a series of three-week stretches where you will be forced to crash at sub-par housing, share critically dirty bathrooms with other poor schlubs, and occasionally fake a passion for (ugh!) higher learning.

2)    DEVELOP A DRUG HABIT TO THAT FINE, WHITE MIRACLE POWDER – CAFFEINE.  Forget those cheesy plastic radio alarm clocks.  Dragging your sorry ass up in the cold, dark morn is easier when you’re tragically dependent upon coffee and must pull yourself up, crawl outside, stumble to the nearest Starbucks and slam that crippling withdrawal migraine with a stiff cup of high-octane Joe.  Addiction is a real motivator.

3)    SLEEP IS OVER-RATED.  Don’t be a baby about getting “enough” sleep. A sign of true maturity is to realize there is no such thing as “enough.” (Think sex, money, happiness, Twinkies.) Anyway, you can always nap during your brain numbingly boring classes. It’s common knowledge that the last ten rows in lecture halls are specifically designed for this exact purpose.  Remember – one of the perks of college life is having NO bedtime and actually wanting to stay up all night playing Guitar Hero or Angry Birds.

4) EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. Why not? It’s easy. The chow is covered in your meal plan, you don’t have to break a measly sweat to hunt it down, plus there’s nobody there to nag you not to binge!  Snacking is an entertaining hobby – and if you cultivate it with enthusiasm – a twenty-four-hour activity.  So what if you’re chronically constipated and your jeans have holes in all the wrong places? Go ahead! Graze lustily at those gargantuan “All-You-Can-Gorge” buffets.  Pig out at the cupcake and cookie study breaks. Don’t fret over gaining “The Freshman Twenty” – if you’re an average teenager, you’re probably already twenty-five, thirty pounds overweight anyway… so what’s another forty?

5) GET THE FACTS. The facts of life, of course. Dude, if you aspire be a Campus Romeo better rev up that pea brain of yours for prophylactic news you can use. Learn the basics of birth control (abstinence), symptoms of STDs, and essential sexting acronyms – then jot them down on the palm of your sweaty mitt for quick reference.

6) OPEN WIDE.  You will be exposed (obscenely at times) to TMI, idea pollution, mind boggling nerds, pathological preppies, ultra sophisticated other worldly views, and freaks you wouldn’t accept a blood donation from if you were croaking from a Vampire attack.  (See course catalog, student handbook, class profile.)  Get your pooper scooper ready; it’s a daily drive-by dumping of tiresome information.

7) MEET WITH YOUR PROFESSORS. Especially the few reasonably young, horny ones. Nail a one-on-one session in that remote office of campus to pontificate upon your intellectual passions.  Hold your nose, bring an over-priced bottle of French wine and kiss butt like crazy.  This is excellent practice for adult dating in the real world later.  And you never know, something positive could come from this tedious chore – can you spell “sexual harassment settlement?” CA-CHING!

8)  PLEDGING. Lie, cheat, steal, bribe, offer unsavory favors to get into a fraternity, ANY fraternity, the wilder the better.  Just think of the sterling role models you’ll be exposed to, the rock band of Bros you’ll bond with. Where else can you learn how to guzzle six-packs of beer nightly, hold your hard liquor, and offend nice girls, older women and chipmunks, and – best of all – score with super skanks?  Plus… you may finally experience something you never felt in five years of high school – a sliver of acceptance, a trace of popularity. Relish it. It’s fleeting.

9) HYGIENE.  There are basic hygiene facts you’ll come to appreciate. You can easily go a whole year (or at least a semester) without once washing your clothes. Nobody cares. Nobody will even notice. BTW one shower a month is sufficient. Everyone stinks anyway.  Deodorant is passé. Greasy hair is happy hair :). Shampoo is a waste of money – money you could be spending on caffeine.

10) REPEAT THE AFFIRMATION.  “I didn’t die, I am just away,” “I didn’t die, I am just away.”  (And never forget… Mommy and Daddy are a mere speed dial away on their cells!)

Go Green at College!

25 Oct

Hug a tree

1) Graze on 100 percent organic veggie soy wheat grass at the student center health café.

So what if this faux food tastes as disgusting as it smells and costs more than a carton of Twinkies and a bag of chips?

Your skin tone will develop a cool shade of sour apple that will demonstrate to all who are noticing – especially your cute professors – that you are pro-green.

2) Recycle your impressive collection of lite beer, cherry coke, Dr Pepper, and Red Bull cans. FYI, container waste is not a design choice.

Wheels

3) Ride a bike instead of driving a car. This may save the planet from toxic gas emissions and really annoying cataclysmic global warming. What fun you will have pushing the pedals through five feet of snow and ice in single-digit temperatures and gale-force winds.

4) Ditch the microwave. No midnight popcorn breaks or breakfast burritos for you. No nuking is good nuking. Orville Redenbacher and Jimmy Dean be damned—corn kernels are desperately needed for ethanol conversion.

5) Shower with complete strangers, or better yet, skip that shower! Nobody will care; everybody smells pretty funky at college.

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6) Keep a pet goat in your dorm room to manage tiresome housekeeping tasks. This will eliminate the need for garbage pickups. Toilet training your four-legged, 105-pound buddy can be an exciting adventure for both of you.

Benefit: it never hurts to have a hairy, horny friend as long winter nights away from home can be, oh, so lonely.

7) Wind power. Convert your professors’ interminably coma-inducing lectures into wind power by surreptitiously hooking them up to your genius roommate’s advanced eco-biotech-enviro-engineering invention.

Brrrr!

8) Turn the thermostat way down. If the climate Gods had meant for you to be warm and cozy, they would have given you a dense, matted coat of animal fur – or better yet, a girl/boyfriend.

9) Make your own clothing. Cuts down on environmentally mean toxic chemicals used in manufacturing normal store-bought clothes.

No knowledge of sewing is necessary—duct tape, staples, and fabric remainders from dumpsters will do the trick. So what if you look like an agoraphobic from an incestuous religious cult?

10) Propeller hat. Wear one and wear it proudly as it is a viable, albeit humble, form of windmill power. Fast becoming a classic in the serious advocate’s wardrobe.

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