PunEmployed

Will work for chocolate…

With unemployment and underemployment so high, many of us are reinventing ourselves professionally.

Baby Boomers, I’m not just talking to you!

You may need to rethink your life mission, your calling, your purpose. Have you perhaps considered these little known professions?  Tell me yours!

* How about?

Tarot Card Scholar

Cleanse Coach

Gumball Historian

Pity Party Planner

Hairball Stylist

Aroma Therapy Artist

Disgusting Flavor Jellybean Taster

Twitter Addiction Therapist

Social Media Profile Photo Consultant

Spam Chef

Diva Enabler

Sleep Coach

Clutter Creator

Principal Caregiver to All Devices Electronic

Rant Management Supervisor

Canine Audio Mitigation Specialist

Goldfish Grief Counselor

Zombie Health Practitioner

Ridiculous Excuse Inventor

Spinner to the Stars

Post-It Technician

Procrastination Coordinator

Giggle Facilitator

Sand Castle CEO

Piggy Bank CFO

Prevarication Tutor

Brain Fart Expert

Food Cravings Blogger

Novelty Piercing Retailer

Dream Consultant

Trampoline Tester

Mirth Maven

Government Pork Regulator

Private Parts Investigator

Jellyfish De-boner

Donkey Behaviorist

Dementia Bracelet Designer

Geriatric Sex Counselor

Houseplant Psychiatrist

DVR Instructor

Memory Engineer

“Men Only Spa” Alcoholic Beverage Coordinator

Pekingese Etiquette Coach

“Girls Night Out” Feelings Auditor

Lollipop Historian

Adult Entertainment Researcher

Spanx Trainer

Pet Wedding Photographer

Professional Wallet Organizer

Candle Counter

I’ll bet you have one… Tell me yours!

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Barb Best and Barb’s Blast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

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Let There be Light

“Popular Science” doesn’t have to be an oxymoron.

Exciting, entertaining, and even sexy news emerges daily from the bright world of scientific innovation. For instance:

From The Washington Post – How to de-stress law school students before exams?  Puppies!

CLICK HERE for irresistible puppy video you know you want to see!

Equal time for cats (or cat scans) of course.

How to scan a Stradivarius?  NPR Music:   CT Scans Re-Create 307 Year Old Violin

Courtesy of RSNA.org & NPR

Here’s a fish that must be low in calories. What is an x-ray fish, you may ask?  Why, here is a brief description: ehow.com

the x-ray fish

“Baby, baby, can’t you hear my heartbeat?”

“A new study shows that 3-month-old infants and their mothers can synchronize their heartbeats to mere milliseconds.”

ScienceShot: Human Hearts Beat Together  by Meghan Rosen  http://bit.ly/vbQLmX

Saved the best for last.  Here’s a HOT news flash:

MRI scan video shows female orgasm ‘illuminates’ every region of brain (news.bioscholar.com)

I'll have what she's having!

>>  CLICK RIGHT HERE  <<

Enlightening article from Time Magazine:

OR HERE http://healthland.time.com/2011/12/01/first-3d-movie-of-orgasm-in-the-female-brain/?xid=newsletter-weekly

HERE’S A GOOD SPOT, TOO.

Photo credits: x-ray fish (forum.rpg.net) and puppy (wikimedia commons)

Related articles

• MRI scan video shows female orgasm ‘illuminates’ every region of brain (news.bioscholar.com)
• X-ray images help create best Stradivarius rip-offs (newscientist.com)

Funny Or Die – Cats with hats http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/690d

Save The BOOBS

So many of you have asked, “What’s a sleep bra?”

A sleep bra is a loose fitting brassiere that (preferably) a woman can wear at night while she is (hopefully) sleeping. There are sleep bras designed for pregnant and nursing mothers (use your imagination) and for the lady (always 15 years older than you) who may wish to corral those (nosediving) tatas during the slumbering hours. Too much tossing and turning = your tit caught in a wringer.

Aren’t you glad you asked?

Speaking of boobs…

A joyful heart is good medicine; share a smile and fight cancer with this inspiring tee.

One of our bestselling tees is now in a flattering v-neck.

Fuchsia, 100% Cotton V-neck tee

Made in the U.S.A.

Purchasing this tee creates a donation to fight cancer.

http://www.savethetatas.com/Laughter%20Heals%20V-neck%20Tee

Related articles

MORE MAGAZINE “TACKLING BREAST CANCER WITH HUMOR BOOKS”

http://www.more.com/entertainment/books/tackling-breast-cancer-humor-books

• When You’re Bored With Boobs (celebs.icanhascheezburger.com)
• Boob Alert! Rihanna’s Little Ri-Ris Run Wild in a Wheat Field, Farmer Not Pleased (eonline.com)

Celebrity Food Fight!

Yum. Everyone loves a food fight.

Celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain started a particularly messy one with his recent comments in TV Guide.

He referred to Paula Deen “The worst, most dangerous person to America is clearly Paula Deen. She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations and she’s proud of the fact that her food is f—ing bad for you. If I were on at seven at night and loved by millions of people at every age, I would think twice before telling an already obese nation that it’s OK to eat food that is killing us. Plus, her food sucks.”

Lovely.  (This from a guy who scarfs down goat gonads and rotten shark meat…)

Them thar are fighting words!  Brickbats to stir up some serious rancor with your sweet cream butter and whipping cream.

Photo Credit: Echomedia.com

Paula Deen responded with her usual folksy brand of Georgian charm:

“I don’t know if it was a publicity thing or if someone had just peed in his bowl of cereal that morning and he was mad.”

“Pee in his cereal?”  Eeks!  (And I thought grits was the most vile southern style breakfast…)

But the sour Bourdain has a valid point about popular celebrity chefs, unhealthy food, and obesity.  Consider these Food Network stars:

Mario Batalia: A picture is worth a thousand bites.  Yes, that’s a fork. (Would hate to see his ice cream scoop!)

Photo Credit: funcrunch.com

The much-loved and decidedly porky East Hampton gourmet chef “The Barefoot Contessa.”  She’s so placidly sweet – might it be a diabetic coma?

Photo Credit: FoodNetworkHumor.com

So, why not focus on healthier cooking? It won’t be much fun if one of these celebrity chefs drops dead from a massive coronary while cooking up a crockpot of Lobster Mac & Cheese.  (that’s a real recipe and it’s available online)

Hey y’all!  Paula Deen has a compelling personal story:   It Ain’t All About the Cookin’

Credit: Amazon.com

Audio from The New Yorker Magazine:  Pepsico and the future of snacking

Related articles

• Chef On Chef Smackdown: Paula Deen Vs. Anthony Bourdain (socialitelife.com)
• Paula Deen Fires Back In Feud With Tony Bourdain (huffingtonpost.com)

Food Fight

Yum!

 

I confess to playing around lately – with my food, that is.  I’ve been flirting flagrantly with a macrobiotic diet.

MACROBIOTIC.  Ahem. We all know that “macro” means “large” and “bios” refers to “life.”

But is eating macrobiotic foods actually “living large?”

 

Orzo!

 

The macrobiotic diet consists of WHOLE grains, RAW vegetables and UNADULTERATED fruits, legumes (whatever they are), and lots of FRESH green plant leaves.  ABSOLUTELY NO processed foods.  NO additives.  NO preservatives.  NO artificial colors. NO butter. NO sugar.

(STAB to my heart)  What, NO sugar?

 

NO kidding!  NO double chocolate fudge cream frosting from the can.  NO Swedish fish. We’re talking RAW stuff like crab grass and dandelions – NOT like uncooked cookie dough.  NO means NO, baby!

Only ALL natural virginal foods. Pure, HEALTHY eats.

Will work for food, but Jeez this is hard labor.

I wonder, is this “Food for the Gods” actually good for the soul? What if it merely makes you critically PMS cranky? And chronically pining for comfort food?

 

Photo Credit: Fizzies.com

 

For someone weaned on Twinkies, Spaghetti-O’s, Dots, and Root Beer Fizzies (don’t you just love ’em?) – “macro” is indeed an adjustment to “healthy” food.

SUGAR.  Can’t live with it. Can’t live without it.  I love it brown. I love it white. I love it in cubes. In a bowl. On a stick. In a wet paper packet. I love it as a liquid, gas, and solid. Maple sugar candy is like crack cocaine to this sweet toothed junkie. My hyperactive pancreas craves it.

 

BULGAR WHEAT and GREEN LENTILS. Yum. Really tasty if you enjoy bowls of sticks and stones. Four out of five goats prefer rusty tin cans.

 

Mmmm!

 

WHEAT GRASS.  Really, now – should grass be a liquid? And be served in a methadone maintenance cup? Yes, some brave souls down it like vodka shots,   but I hear Astroturf is tastier (ask any goat).

Need I remind you what happens to your poor dog when he’s foolhardy enough to eat grass in the back yard?  Not a pretty sight.

SPELT.  Never heard of “spelt?” You are not alone. (but you will be… when that dynamite kicks in and you’re frantic for a restroom) People who eat spelt regularly (Ha, Ha. Excuse the pun) are, no doubt, svelte as a cheese cutting board. The phrase, “Whoever spelt it, dealt it” will unfortunately come to mind.

 

SEAWEED.  Available in many unappetizing colors (many a shade of gray) such as inkjet black and funky fuchsia, seaweed is the texture of shredded cellophane and resembles alien vomit.

Yippee! Seaweed with a wheat grass pickle relish and I can make my own bug spray.

Oy, Vegan. Perhaps “food for thought” is the best diet for me, after all.

Win Win Shopping

Touchstone Pictures, Jerry Bruckheimer Films

Great news for those of us who love to shop!

Regular retail therapy seems to help people live longer, suggests research published online in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

Born to shop?

Now you can shop ’til you don’t drop dead.

According to Amanda Gardner in HealthDay Reporter,

“A shopping trip-a-day may help keep the doctor away, not to mention the Grim Reaper….”

Shopping involves walking, social interaction,  a sense of involvement in the community, companionship, handling money, decision making. These are activities generally beneficial to one’s physical and cognitive well-being.

If shopping is good for older folks, hey, why leave shoplifting to troubled young actresses like Lindsay Lohan and Winona Ryder?  Sounds like all that danger and drama might be highly stimulating for Granny, too.

In the study, “The once-a-day shoppers were 27 percent less likely to die than the shop-a-phobics…”

Shop-a-phobia?  Now there’s a pitiful mental impairment that needs a telethon.

Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health

Article by Amanda Gardner, HealthDay News

‘Retail therapy’ might really work

Eye Q

Have you noticed… when you go to the eye doctor, your I.Q. drops precipitously like Lucy’s in the presence of a celebrity on “I Love Lucy” or Kirstie Alley doing a pirouette on DWTS?

After the 50 minute wait and the mandatory FBI check on your health insurance and credit history…

You are seated in a serious chair (eerily similar to the one in the movie “Marathon Man“) and a never-ending series of drops (curiously resembling the dyes used to color Easter eggs) are plopped into your eyes.

Interestingly, some people become oddly flustered and challenged by performance anxiety when instructed to read the eye chart (perhaps because they are anticipating how much fun it will be to drive home after the appointment when unable to differentiate between a parked school bus and a traffic cone).

Please tell me, what happens to the I.Q. when the ophthalmologist tries out different strength lenses in the bizarre binocular contraption we look through?

DR: “Which one is clearer – 1 or 2?

ME: (total guess)  2?

DR:  2 or 3?

ME: (hell, I have no idea)  3?

DR:  3 or 4?

ME:  (clueless)  1?

DR: (sighing) 1 isn’t a choice. Try to pay attention. 3 or 4?

ME: (faking it) 4.

DR:  4 or 5?  5 or 4?

ME: (thinking)

DR: (rapidly)  4 or 5? 5 or 4? 4 or 3?  4 or 1?

ME:  Oy… 4?  Maybe 1?

DR:  (faster than the speed of light) 1 or 2?  4 or 1?   2 or 4?  a or b?

POOR ME:  WHAT? Letters? I thought you were doing numbers! STOP confusing me!”

It gets worse. Time to test peripheral vision. Something happens to the brain when you cover one eye…

DR: Look “Up”

HAPLESS: (pause)  Up. Got that.

DR: “Down”

HAPLESS:  (in slow motion) Hmm. Okay. Down.

DR: “Right”

HAPLESS: Thank you.

DR:  Look “right.”

HAPLESS: (looking left) Oh.

DR:  Look “right”

HAPLESS: Oops. Heck, I know that.

DR:  “Left”

HAPLESS: (Long pause, nervous giggle)

DR: (strained) Look “left”

The Doctor mutters something about ulcers and retirement.

What happens?  Check future scientific journals. There will be a study done. Your tax dollars at work. 🙂

Photo credits: Wikimedia Commons, Barb Best.

What’s Up Doc?

TheDoctorsTVshow

WHAT’S UP DOC?

Doc, you’re so funny

Surely you jokes,

Forget the fat?

No more smokes?

Lay off the sugar?

Ease off the salt?

Whoa, no more booze

Not even malt?

theblueseatsnyc.com

Doc, that’s a good one

My sides are splitting,

Oh, what I’d give if only…

You were kidding!

Buy card at RxLaughter.org

Check out the 501c3 nonprofit http://www.rxlaughter.org/

(Previously published – Barb Best – in print – The Malibu Times)

Support Rx Laughter

In the Spirit of the Season…. Please Support Rx Laughter

Rx Laughter Donation Cards $5

Rx Laughter, a research and health care initiative that utilizes the healing power of humor to treat the seriously ill.

www.RxLaughter.Org

Sherry Dunay Hilber
Founder and President of Rx Laughter

Email: ContactRxLaughter@Gmail.com

Phone: 805 927-4197 PST

Tax EIN:  20-037-9277.  Rx Laughter is a formally recognized 501c3 nonprofit organization.  Donations are tax deductible to the fullest extent allowable by law.

Charities I’d Like To See

* Habitat for Hummus

Join the movement to salvage the scurrilous reputation of hummus – that much maligned chickpea pigeon poop paste that even rabid goats and war camp detainees won’t suck on if they are starving to death. So what if this trendy excuse for guano isn’t as nutritious as smoked bacon or French onion dip?

I say it’s compost and I say to hell with it!

Bottoms Up!

* MADT – Mothers Against Drunk Texting

This is captain obvious, but we all know how deadly serious this issue is.  Loose lips sink friendships. Friends don’t let friends drink and send.  Don’t just take the keys; take the keywords and the keyboards.  BTW OMG NO TM WEN BLOTTO BOOHOO TYVM

* Save the Nails

This 501(c)3 provides respectable manicures for the truly needy. For those who suffer from the heartbreak of sore, split, chipped, chewed, broken, jagged, anemic pathetic looking fingernails.

For those of you whose horny protrusions at the tips of your gnarly digits barely seem fit for scraping year old chewing gum off the gas station restroom floor, let alone for quality time with your Blackberry.

* The Red Floss

All donations to this health care initiative fund medical research aimed at curing bleeding gums when you floss.  Put an end to the horror you feel when you spit a mouthful of fire engine red blood into your sparkling white bathroom sink.

glub, glub

* The Make A Dish Foundation

A Le Cordon Bleu Chef will come to your home, plop you down in front of the TV with a chilled glass of Chardonnay and a fat jar of cocktail onions, then proceed to your kitchen where he/she will lovingly cook and serve you the five-star, gourmet meal of your salivary gland dreams.

Bon appetit!

* The Smile Train Wreck

Donations to this organization will bribe prominent cosmetic surgeons to risk their medical malpractice insurance ratings to try to correct that crooked smile on your loved one’s face. So what if you don’t have a cleft lip or cleft palate? (Think Dick Cheney!)

* Plant Parenthood

An education initiative that helps educate and rehabilitate those of us who lack a green thumb.

You know whom you are, you sad sacks who can’t keep a potted plant alive in your kitchen for more than a few days.

Heal the despair and low self-esteem that comes from not being trusted to take care of a measly houseplant.

credit:sirefinder.com

* Old McDonald House

Old McDonald House is a residential facility supervised by mental health practitioners where the extreme animal lover can heal their addiction to their four-legged, furry, foul-smelling friends.

Yes, it’s nice to have a dog or cat, but you have a problem if before you know it you’re hoarding animals in your studio apartment.

A rescue mutt here, a stray cat there, a sick puppy here and there, and – E-Eye-E-Eye-Oh – before you know it you’ve got a shipload of kitties, cockatoos, chickens, a pig, a pony and a five foot boa constrictor (he was so cute as a baby).

credit:Dorling Kindersley:DK Readers