Tag Archives: Robert Benchley Society

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2 Apr

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Dial “M” for Maddening

18 Jul

TOP TEN” WINNER  –  Thank You!  ROBERT BENCHLEY HUMOR WRITING COMPETITION!

red phone

Ding-A-Ling!

Once upon a time long, long ago… there was the telephone.

It was a genteel instrument of communication on a rubberized spiral cord that appeared at restaurant tables only on rare occasion, accorded exclusively to A-list movie stars at The Polo Lounge, or if global crisis demanded it, the President of the United States.

Today, it is a plague on civilized society. This is an issue we must no longer sweep under the place mat like errant breadcrumbs.

Cell phone etiquette, especially in restaurants, is an oxymoron.

Pray tell, what is “smart” about a phone that destroys direct  human interaction?

Yes, the omnipresence of cellular technology is a curse on us poor fools who archaically cling to common courtesy.

Like the Hansen Writing Ball, the private conversation is a thing of the past.

We are now forced to be involved in mankind – often as voyeurs.

I am seated at a fine dining establishment with a business colleague or appealing social acquaintance. I am anticipating a pleasant experience. But, no! My companion brings out his “cell” and rudely starts chatting and/or texting God-Knows-What to God-Knows-Who.

This boorish behavior is both vexing and embarrassing. It is more irritating than bawling babies and cackling rug rats running amuck.

For God’s sake, if I wanted to cultivate bleeding ulcers and chronic acid reflux, I’d eat more meals at home with my disruptive brood (contentious spouse, raucous ankle-biters, yapping dog.)

I assume you, like me, resent this exasperating intrusion upon your sparkling repartee, communion with your cuisine, and supreme pleasure in your alcoholic beverage.

So, what’s a gentleman (or gentle lady) to do?

Protecting your sanity will no doubt be an onerous challenge in personal discipline and rage management.

First, you must quell that overwhelming urge to grasp your shrimp fork, pounce on the offender, and puncture him like an over-cooked rump roast.

You can stare daggers at him and try to tough it out, but beware of your blood pressure, as this strategy will further rankle your nerves.

Other suggestions:

Draw your electronic weapon of choice and immerse yourself in a lengthy game of Sudoku.

Lob buttered dinner rolls at the S.O.B.

Ask the waiter for crayons and summon your inner tyke.

Whip out the mint-flavored Glide and commence flossing.

Whistle an annoying tune. (Anything by Miley Cyrus will do.)

Create an explosive concoction with the condiments on the table.

Resist the tendency to transform your tedium into sexual fantasy, as you are most likely to become discombobulated and spill your cocktail all over your freshly pressed, linen pants.

Bellow statistics from the latest alarming study that closely links the use of cell phones, harmful radiation, and brain cancer.

If all else fails, request the manager post a warning that reads:

“The use of cell phones will result in their immediate confiscation and prompt annihilation in a ravenous wood chipper.”

And therefore never send to know for whom the cell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Robert Benchley Society

 

Humorist Robert Benchley

9 Jun

I am pleased as planter’s punch to be named among the TOP TEN in the 2011 Robert Benchley Humor Writing Competition.

Hurray, hurrah, whoop dee doo, and cheers to all!

Humorist Barb Best

Zing!

You deserve a good laugh!  Read the TOP TEN here at the RBS blog.

Barb Best and Robert Benchley

Robert Benchley

Learn more about the great humorist Robert Benchley & become a member (Geez, a steal at $10 a year) of the Robert Benchley Society.

The Robert Benchley Society Blog is chock full of amusing and interesting articles like Staying at The Algonquin.

Algonquin Round Table

Al Hirschfeld

The legendary home of The Algonquin Round Table at The Algonquin Hotel.  Special rates available!

BarbBestpicofAlgonquinHotel

New Yorker Magazine

Sitting On Cold Porcelain

9 Feb

*** JUST ANNOUNCED ***

ROSE A. VALENTA

Semi-Finalist, prestigious Robert Benchley Humor Award

FUNNY BOOK

Wanna LOL?

Sitting On Cold Porcelain is a highly entertaining collection of box-cutter sharp satirical essays by nationally syndicated columnist and blogger Rose A. Valenta. The funny pieces are short and sweet, and as delectable as a heart shaped box of chocolate truffles.

The “A” in Rose’s middle name obviously stands for “Amusing” as she clearly has a nose for news that amuses and delights.

Who else can make you laugh at the absurdities of an incompetent Congress, biker poetry, cat cams, elephant dung counters, idiot politicians, manipulative media stars, Facebook Mafia Wars, offensive Scrabble words, cow pee soda pop, “A Christmas Carol” junkie, the Higgs Boson particle and the G-Spot?

How inappropriate!

Rose A. Valenta is a nationally syndicated humor columnist. Her irreverent columns have been published in Senior Wire, Associated Content, Courier Post Online, NPR, Newsday, USA TODAY, the WSJ Online, and many other local news and radio websites.

Run and git yourself a copy of Sitting On Cold Porcelain pronto – it’s funny and wise, and – like fiber and dark chocolate – no doubt invariably good for you!

Sitting on Cold Porcelain at amazon.com

SPECIAL KINDLE PRICE – $7.99  (20% off)

Rose A. Valenta

Paperback Best Price $12.72
or Buy New $15.59

Read “Rosie’s Renegade” blog + buy autographed copies of Sitting On Cold Porcelain: http://rosevalenta.blogspot.com/


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