Tag Archives: Diet

Food Fight

26 Jul
Barb's BlastYum!

 

I confess to playing around lately – with my food, that is.  I’ve been flirting flagrantly with a macrobiotic diet.

MACROBIOTIC.  Ahem. We all know that “macro” means “large” and “bios” refers to “life.”

But is eating macrobiotic foods actually “living large?”

 

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Orzo!

 

The macrobiotic diet consists of WHOLE grains, RAW vegetables and UNADULTERATED fruits, legumes (whatever they are), and lots of FRESH green plant leaves.  ABSOLUTELY NO processed foods.  NO additives.  NO preservatives.  NO artificial colors. NO butter. NO sugar.

(STAB to my heart)  What, NO sugar?

 

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NO kidding!  NO double chocolate fudge cream frosting from the can.  NO Swedish fish. We’re talking RAW stuff like crab grass and dandelions – NOT like uncooked cookie dough.  NO means NO, baby!

Only ALL natural virginal foods. Pure, HEALTHY eats.

Will work for food, but Jeez this is hard labor.

I wonder, is this “Food for the Gods” actually good for the soul? What if it merely makes you critically PMS cranky? And chronically pining for comfort food?

 

Photo Credit: Fizzies.com

 

For someone weaned on Twinkies, Spaghetti-O’s, Dots, and Root Beer Fizzies (don’t you just love ’em?) – “macro” is indeed an adjustment to “healthy” food.

SUGAR.  Can’t live with it. Can’t live without it.  I love it brown. I love it white. I love it in cubes. In a bowl. On a stick. In a wet paper packet. I love it as a liquid, gas, and solid. Maple sugar candy is like crack cocaine to this sweet toothed junkie. My hyperactive pancreas craves it.

 

BULGAR WHEAT and GREEN LENTILS. Yum. Really tasty if you enjoy bowls of sticks and stones. Four out of five goats prefer rusty tin cans.

 

Mmmm!

 

WHEAT GRASS.  Really, now – should grass be a liquid? And be served in a methadone maintenance cup? Yes, some brave souls down it like vodka shots,   but I hear Astroturf is tastier (ask any goat).

Need I remind you what happens to your poor dog when he’s foolhardy enough to eat grass in the back yard?  Not a pretty sight.

SPELT.  Never heard of “spelt?” You are not alone. (but you will be… when that dynamite kicks in and you’re frantic for a restroom) People who eat spelt regularly (Ha, Ha. Excuse the pun) are, no doubt, svelte as a cheese cutting board. The phrase, “Whoever spelt it, dealt it” will unfortunately come to mind.

 

Barb's Blast

SEAWEED.  Available in many unappetizing colors (many a shade of gray) such as inkjet black and funky fuchsia, seaweed is the texture of shredded cellophane and resembles alien vomit.

Yippee! Seaweed with a wheat grass pickle relish and I can make my own bug spray.

Oy, Vegan. Perhaps “food for thought” is the best diet for me, after all.

Hubs and Grubs

1 Feb

Oops!

Have you noticed how difficult it is making your way through the grocery store to pick up a few overpriced necessities lately? Packs of preoccupied people (say that fast five times) obstruct the aisles – – and all of them are busy chatting, texting or squinting away on their cell phones. Enough already!

Put the phone down!

Not only is efficiency lost, but there is gridlock in the frozen food section, tailgating in the produce section and fender benders in the cereal aisle. Head-on collisions occur. Chain reaction crashes involving multiple shoppers result in cart loads of injuries. Hit and Runs abound.

“Clean Up on Aisle Four!” used to refer to a split sack of flour or a dropped jar of pickles – now it’s a call for EMTs and body bags.

Road rage in the health food aisle is also a big problem. I note that strict vegans are especially cranky, but my thinking may be dull from the fat and sugar in the Starbucks super sized blueberry lemon cream muffins I reward myself with more or less on a regular basis  (I call it m-o-t-i-v-a-t-i-o-n!)

Perhaps it’s time to station traffic cops in the local Safeway. (After all, it is called “Safe” way…) They can keep it moving, hand out warnings, issue tickets to repeat offenders, and if necessary, confiscate those smart phones from not so smart cookies.

Exemptions can be made for befuddled husbands struggling to comply with grocery lists meticulously composed by their wives.  They will be permitted three emergency phone calls per trip unless they exhibit a sore lack of diligence or gross gender subordination such as – “Screw it honey! There’s no friggin’ difference between Diet Swiss Miss Cocoa and No Sugar Swiss Miss Calcium – they both make you FAT.”)  Oh, boy…

Welcome Home Dear!

Tolerance and compassion will not be demonstrated for such right brain challenged dolts.  No “Express Check-Out” privileges for you, sonny.

What’s Up Doc?

11 Jan

TheDoctorsTVshow

WHAT’S UP DOC?

Doc, you’re so funny

Surely you jokes,

Forget the fat?

No more smokes?

photo credit: delish.com

Lay off the sugar?

Ease off the salt?

Whoa, no more booze

Not even malt?

theblueseatsnyc.com

Doc, that’s a good one

My sides are splitting,

Oh, what I’d give if only…

You were kidding!

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Check out the 501c3 nonprofit http://www.rxlaughter.org/

(Previously published – Barb Best – in print – The Malibu Times)

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