Tag Archives: Humorist

Most Annoying People of 2010

28 Dec

Hi fellow Blasters!  These are 5 of my most annoying — who are yours?

Eliot Spitzer (Too ugly for a photo here)

This loser sleazeball is rewarded for being a scuzzy sleazeball by being gifted a tedious TV show with journalist Kathleen Parker.

cnn store

Cynics may venture a wild guess that this is CNN’s flaccid attempt to jack up cheesy sexual curiosity for (you guessed it) ratings.

Load up on Purell, Ms. Parker.

purell.com

Justin Bieber

Too young. Too cute. Sings like a girl. Way too successful for a weeny little puppy.

justjaredjr.buzznet.com

Call me in ten years, Bieber.  I’ll tuck you in then!

Hugh Hefner

the more the merrier

105 year old Hugh Hefner and his 15 year old fiance + all of his former main squeezes – especially the ones with their own reality shows. (you know who you are)

Yup, macho man Hef will keep her up all night – with diaper changes.

Hiccup Girl

Help, I can't stop!

If there is anything more annoying than having hiccups yourself (especially at the theater or on a hot date) – it is “hiccup girl.”  “BOO” to you!

Charlie Sheen

Why does “bad boy behavior” (domestic violence, assault, drugs, disorderly conduct, etc.) translate into increased popularity on a family oriented TV sitcom?

Do not collect $2,000,000

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Ho, Ho, Ho, Ha!

23 Dec
Christmas in the post-War United States

Image via Wikipedia

Ho, Ho, Ho, Ha!   Merry Christmas from Barbs Blast!

Holiday Gifts I DON’T Want!

9 Dec

Buy at: dachshundsdressedforshow.com

NO “Dog Snuggie” or hip clothing for the pooch

Animals that chase their tails, lick their private parts incessantly in public and sniff strangers’ crotches willy-nilly should not be making fashion statements.

Sorry Ms. Hilton, but I’ve yet to see a Chihuahua look stylish in a leopard print.  Get over it – a Bassett Hound will never be a fashionista!

Credit:petplanet.co.uk

NO to a pet goat!

Yes,  I understand that according to World Vision, “Goats provide milk, yogurt and cheese – and truly change lives.”

BUT if you give me a goat for Christmas, I swear on a stack of Farmer’s Almanacs, I’ll never speak to you again – not even on FB.

FYI: 7-11s provide milk, yogurt and cheese plus highly entertaining tabloids and nifty lottery tickets, too – and they won’t crap on your carpet, scare the poor cat silly or eat the TV remote.


Buy at: Cafepress.com

NOPE to the hokey jokey T-shirts

BTW “I’m with Stupid” is shockingly redundant for most of us.

Duh!

NO self-published autobiographical tomes

Buy at ChronicleBooks.com

How do I make time to read your 5 trillion word (single-spaced) masterpiece?

I don’t have the time or inclination to skim the instructions to my cell phone – and my life depends upon that.

Reading about your madcap adventures with quirky Grandma at The Mall of America three summers ago just doesn’t scream “High Priority.”

Frankly, it suggests a deep sleep akin to a decade-long coma that one is unlikely to recover from – ever.

Buy at: Amazon.com

NO bizarre personal care items such as “armpit pruner” or “cordless ear wax cleaners” are remotely acceptable as holiday gifts.

“Powerful, yet gentle, suction” should not be used on the ear unless your I Pod headphones have embedded themselves in your ear canals and you literally “just can’t get that song outta your head.”

Credit: ModernPooch.com

NO to the Dog DNA Analysis Kit

($59.95 + $11.99 Shipping & Handling) Instructions read “Simply swab the insides of your dog’s cheeks” – Right!

My crazed Rottweiler-whatever pup will surely let me open his mouth and “swab” away without mutilating my hands and tearing my face off first!

Maybe I can “swab” while I’m brushing and flossing his teeth, he’s so mellow then.

NIX-NAYEnough with the re-gifted curly bow spa baskets!

Soap is soap and I say it’s boring! If you really care…

Come over and give me a Champagne bubble bath and a hot oil massage if you seriously want to gift me like I’m a VIP at The Breakers.

Credit: VanityFair.com

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