Food Fight

Yum!

 

I confess to playing around lately – with my food, that is.  I’ve been flirting flagrantly with a macrobiotic diet.

MACROBIOTIC.  Ahem. We all know that “macro” means “large” and “bios” refers to “life.”

But is eating macrobiotic foods actually “living large?”

 

Orzo!

 

The macrobiotic diet consists of WHOLE grains, RAW vegetables and UNADULTERATED fruits, legumes (whatever they are), and lots of FRESH green plant leaves.  ABSOLUTELY NO processed foods.  NO additives.  NO preservatives.  NO artificial colors. NO butter. NO sugar.

(STAB to my heart)  What, NO sugar?

 

NO kidding!  NO double chocolate fudge cream frosting from the can.  NO Swedish fish. We’re talking RAW stuff like crab grass and dandelions – NOT like uncooked cookie dough.  NO means NO, baby!

Only ALL natural virginal foods. Pure, HEALTHY eats.

Will work for food, but Jeez this is hard labor.

I wonder, is this “Food for the Gods” actually good for the soul? What if it merely makes you critically PMS cranky? And chronically pining for comfort food?

 

Photo Credit: Fizzies.com

 

For someone weaned on Twinkies, Spaghetti-O’s, Dots, and Root Beer Fizzies (don’t you just love ’em?) – “macro” is indeed an adjustment to “healthy” food.

SUGAR.  Can’t live with it. Can’t live without it.  I love it brown. I love it white. I love it in cubes. In a bowl. On a stick. In a wet paper packet. I love it as a liquid, gas, and solid. Maple sugar candy is like crack cocaine to this sweet toothed junkie. My hyperactive pancreas craves it.

 

BULGAR WHEAT and GREEN LENTILS. Yum. Really tasty if you enjoy bowls of sticks and stones. Four out of five goats prefer rusty tin cans.

 

Mmmm!

 

WHEAT GRASS.  Really, now – should grass be a liquid? And be served in a methadone maintenance cup? Yes, some brave souls down it like vodka shots,   but I hear Astroturf is tastier (ask any goat).

Need I remind you what happens to your poor dog when he’s foolhardy enough to eat grass in the back yard?  Not a pretty sight.

SPELT.  Never heard of “spelt?” You are not alone. (but you will be… when that dynamite kicks in and you’re frantic for a restroom) People who eat spelt regularly (Ha, Ha. Excuse the pun) are, no doubt, svelte as a cheese cutting board. The phrase, “Whoever spelt it, dealt it” will unfortunately come to mind.

 

SEAWEED.  Available in many unappetizing colors (many a shade of gray) such as inkjet black and funky fuchsia, seaweed is the texture of shredded cellophane and resembles alien vomit.

Yippee! Seaweed with a wheat grass pickle relish and I can make my own bug spray.

Oy, Vegan. Perhaps “food for thought” is the best diet for me, after all.

Diets for Dudes

Hey dudes!  Why should we chicks have all the fun with food?

Pink is not just for girls!

As you guys wolf down double cheeseburgers and gloriously greasy, heavenly salt drenched French fries, we women obsess over calorie and carb counts – daily depriving ourselves of everything remotely fattening. Why should we be the only ones to starve our bodies and souls on onerous fad diets?

There’s an obesity epidemic and – guess what – it is most definitely your fault! We women are obviously fighting the good fight.

Gee, dieting is such fun!

Don’t slide down that slippery slope on your corpulent love handles and middle-age belly fat to chronic diabetes, lower back pain, prostate pee problems and – oh my Viagra! – sexual dysfunction.

Because I care deeply, I have designed the following diets especially for you:

*** DIETS FOR DUDES ***

“The Dine with your Dog Diet”

What the woof are table manners?

Eat all of your meals on the virus-ridden linoleum kitchen floor with your lovable, sloppy four-legged buddy.  This will hopefully curb your appetite – so what if you develop a few antisocial habits?

“The Tic-Tac Diet

Yes, Virgil, tic-tacs are a food group. Waddle over to your local 7-11 and grab a fistful of these zesty little flavor fests.  Great when chased down with Red Bull.

“The Bronx Cheer Diet”

Say Cheese!

Forget South Beach, Forget Beverly Hills, and definitely forget Scarsdale.  The Bronx is where it’s at when it comes to trendy cuisine of the truly beautiful.

“The Salmonella Doughnut Diet”

Dunkin’ Doughnuts, Krispy Crème, Hostess, pick your poison.  Look cool hanging out at salmonella tainted doughnut shops with slacker cops and methadone addicts.

Get the sugar high of your life as you scarf down tons of powdered sugar, lumpy jam fillings and polyurethane chocolate frosting– plus all the cheap Joe you can swill. Even your porcine appetite will dwindle.

Sugar, Sugar!

“The Zoned-Out Diet”

Space out on every video game you can steal from your fanatic computer geek cousin. The resulting neurological damage and relentless muscle spasms will hinder your ability to shovel tons of junk food down your gullet.

“The Colon Hydrotherapy Diet”

Need we say more? “Don’t make me get the hose!”

“The Smut Diet”

Not to be crass, but your right hand will constantly be “indisposed” therefore you will likely cut down your food intake by 50-65%.

“The Rugged Man Fiber Diet”

Eat crushed pineapple for every meal, chase it down with a quart of papaya juice. Yum, top it off with shredded coconut. You’ll have the runs so much you’ll think you’re training for a triathlon in an undeveloped country. So what if the pounds lost are in precious body fluids?

I love sit-ups!