What Women Want

Gunfire is illegal, so here’s a poem in celebration of Valentine’s Day.

 

WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?

What do women want, dude?

I’ll tell you!

Kill the black widow spider

Smash the horse fly

Wrestle that ’gator in yonder lake

Slice the venom-spitting snake.

 

Pulverize the prowler

In one Superman swoop,

No spurting blood

No cracking bones

Do it nice, don’t tell me how

No messes, but do it now.

 

What do women want, dude?

I’ll tell you!

Purr like a kitten, tiger

Dance the Howdy Doody

Rock ‘n Roll me with violins,

Shower me with mortal sins.

 

Sail me love letters

In my alphabet soup

Stir it hard,

Use your imagination,

Be a prince, show some stately grace,

Valentine me with diamonds and lace.

 

What do women want, dude?

Most of all?

At least try to enthrall,

A dozen red roses, pricks and all.

Available on Amazon as a paperback and an eBook http://amzn.to/tgOu8b

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Related articles

• My Funny Valentine (barbsblast.wordpress.com)
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My Funny Valentine

Guess what?  Only 3 weeks to go…  will you be my funny valentine?

The reviews are rolling in…

GRADY HARP, Hall of Fame Reviewer, says:

“One of those `must have’ books not only because it is terrific reading but also because it has a lot to say about contemporary relationships. Kudos to a crew of writers who are very in the know about love and relationships. This is a little treasure of a book with some of the most terse humor being written today!”

“a fun read by 40 of the funniest writers in America”

“a little treasure of a book”

“hilarious bits by Barb Best”

A fresh and funny gift for “Love Day” – goes great with chocolate, flowers, hugs, kisses, diamonds, cars, gulf stream jets, Malibu beach houses, sock puppets!

Paperback and eBook on sale at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

 

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Laugh Last, Laugh BEST!

I Heart You

It is mid-January and we all know what that means: the winter blues, blinding snowstorms, frigid temperatures, searing credit card bills, tedious diets, MLK day, I Have A Dream, football, and – of course – chocolate.

Did someone say “chocolate?” Yes, chocolate! Kiss me quick!

My lips to yours!

The Valentine’s Day chocolate, wrapped flamboyantly in all of its heart-shaped, ruby red glory is on full frontal display NOW in every retail store in America.

And not a moment too soon. The collective holiday cheer and goodwill has worn off like the crotches of our faded blue jeans.  We need sweetness. We need love. We need romance. We need chocolate!

Welcome you cocky Cupid-cooing boxes of cocao creams.

Seduce us with your curly velvet bows and sexy see-through cellophane slips.

Bring it on, smooth, juicy cherries and succulent berries dripping in it.

So what if the clearance rack of dusty chocolate marshmallow Santas and forlorn Christmas reindeer sit nearby begging for someone to rescue them from their inevitable fate in the back alley dumpster?

V-Day Godiva is here.  People salivate at the word “Godiva” not because they are aroused by the image of a callow nude beauty on a studly horse – but because their taste buds anticipate the luxurious rush of cocoa lust.

Milk, white and dark.  Nuts, no nuts. “Love, luv, luff, heart” them all back. Especially dark chocolate. You need those delicious antioxidants. Doctor’s orders!

Here’s a link to a great article by Brianne Carlon Media on “Hearty Healthy Chocolate” http://briannecarlon.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/hearty-healthy-chocolate/