Tag Archives: YouTube

Celebrity Smile

17 Oct

Yay! I’m the guest humorist at the funny “Stupid Ass Questions” blog all this week. It’s a hilarious spoof on “Dear Abby.”  Ask a stupid question, get a stupid…

I’ll be answering a new stupid question every day! Please check it out. Monday’s fun at SAQ + my short “Celebrity Smile” video is here…

“Stupid Ass Questions”

 

Special thanks to Suzie at SAQ and to humorists Rose Valenta & Dan Burt.

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I Talk to The Animals

16 May

The academics are at it again with a brilliant (okay, blindingly stupid) study.

According to The Journal of Animal Ethics,

          “Despite its prevalence, “pets” is surely a derogatory term both of the animals concerned and their human carers.”

“Pet” is a derogatory term?

Hola!

Are Fido, Lucky, and Coco really offended by “Pet?”  Animals that lick their balls at the dinner table, eat everything and anything under the sun, beneath the moon, in the yard (you know what I mean), and chase Ford Explorers with the intent of catching them?

Dogs and cats are probably more offended by albeit loving (but fairly idiotic) baby talk and endearments like “baby boo””poochie boy” “sweetie pie.”   (Pie? Did someone say “pie?” Woof!)

Let’s not insult them. A dog has pride. Cats have hubris.  A little R-E-S-P-E-C-T please!

I suggest they are more offended by being dressed up in holiday costumes and leopard print ski sweaters. (A turtleneck does not flatter a Pekingese… then again, what does?)

Beware of dog!  Soon, Fido will be lawyering up. There will likely be harassment charges over that undue stress you inflicted upon him as a puppy when you desperately encouraged that paper training debacle.

The JAE continues…

          “In addition, we invite authors to use the words “free-living”, “free-ranging” or “free-roaming” rather than “wild animals”… For most, “wildness” is synonymous with uncivilized, unrestrained, barbarous existence. There is an obvious prejudgment here that should be avoided.”

Girls Gone Wild” is fine, but “An orangutan is a wild animal. Do not shack up with him like he’s your boyfriend. Someone just might get hurt!” is insensitive.

photo credit:dipity.com

Dr. Dolittle may not have done a lot, but he sure said a lot – to the monkeys, giraffes, elephants, cougars (four-legged variety). And he didn’t whisper, he sang!

FYI: “The JAE has been launched by a US and UK academic partnership with the goal of widening international debate about the moral status of animals, and is the result of years of collaboration between the Oxford Centre for Animal Ethics and the University of Illinois Press.”

Link to study:

http://www.press.uillinois.edu/wordpress/?p=7710

Click for Comedy

20 Mar
twitter

@HaBarb

Twitter is a great way for humor blogs to send links to funny videos.

@HaBarb tweet

Click for Comedy

Follow The Funny

9 Mar

My homage to comedians on Twitter:

Steve Martin on his Twitter Followers:

http://youtu.be/mpYqv2JgV3M

Top Mom: Flight Log of a Helicopter Parent

1 Nov

6:00 a.m.     Strength train for endurance.  Focus on flabby upper body muscles.  Remind self that helicopter parenting is an ultra marathon, not a cakewalk for wimps.

6:30 a.m.     Fuel up at Starbuck’s on a tall quadruple Espresso Roast, Komodo Dragon Blend – no milk, no sugar, no cup.

credit:blogs.oracle.com

7:00 a.m.     Drill preadolescent kids with calculus and chemistry flashcards over Omega-3 rich, low-fructose breakfasts. Remind them: “Bone up, those AP courses are right around the corner.”

7:30 a.m.     Drop off sweet, attention-challenged male child and intense, snarky female child at middle school with detailed instructions for the entire day.

8:00 a.m.     Check female child’s “MySpace” page. Enter grandiose compliments anonymously to improve her body image and boost core self-esteem.

8:30 a.m.     Install filter on male child’s laptop so those “naughty thong girls acting wild and wet” web sites don’t inexplicably pop up again on his favorites list.

9:01 a.m.     Answer call from whining school principal upset with male child’s “inappropriate” lunchtime behavior. Listen politely, threaten multiple lawsuits and 911 calls to the ACLU and Huff Post. (Make note to confiscate said child’s pocket video camera.)

Smile honey!

9:30 a.m.     Crank up on personal stash of putrid herbal energy supplements since hovering requires continuous, active corrections from the pilot.

Wow! Better than a Polaroid!

10:00 a.m.    Call male child’s cell phone.  Leave firm message that “trying to appreciate the female gender” does not include filming the morbidly obese school librarian straining in the teachers’ lounge, then posting it on “You Tube.”

Golf is in your future

Geez, what will Harvard think?

10:30 a.m.    Drop by schoolyard at snack time and nudge female child, thus aggravating both your eating disorders.  “Are you relishing your vegetables?

Repeat the mantra: “Remember, broccoli is brain food… and it’s slimming, too.”

11:00 a.m.    At biweekly appointment, ask therapist to define “hover.” Deny lack of stability ‘til the friggin’ malevolent methane emitting cows come home.

Fuel Up!

12:00 noon    Fuel up on iced mocha double double espresso Frappucino Gazebo Blend with cumin sprinkles and whipped cream. Top off with a scrumptious giant cherry apricot scone for extra lift.

12:30 p.m.    Incessant helicopter din and teeth-rattling vibration grating on already rattled nerves.

Get lube job (and mani-pedi) at tacky day spa.  Have mechanic sharpen motor blades and check torque tension.

1:55 p.m.      Ignore slacker husband’s remark, “Why do you think they call it HELLicopter?”

2:00 p.m.     Do research for female child’s science project on “Hummingbirds and the Physics of Flight.”  You gotta earn those A’s!  (They don’t grow on trees – especially on our family tree!)

yhsbiology.wikispaces.com

2:45 p.m.     Call female child’s English teacher and berate her for that “B” on the Macbeth essay last week.

2:55 p.m.     Call male child on cell phone and insist he text message his score on the afternoon’s spelling test now. Excellence waits for no one.

3:00 p.m.     Call therapist. Demand she clarify “too involved.” Disagree vehemently and vow innocence ‘til Iceland melts off the geothermal map.

credit telegraph.co.uk

3:15 p.m.     Detect ominous downward spiral at accelerating speed. Panic creeps in.

3:16 p.m.     Reflect upon therapist’s comment, “Helicopters are very unstable; hovering is like balancing yourself while standing on a large beach ball.”

3:17 p.m.     Chopper pitches and rolls like a drunken windmill.  “Holy F#@*!!!”

3:18 p.m.     Tear up parent card and toss pilot wings in the trash.

3:19 p.m.     Prepare for a crash landing as fuel abruptly runs out.  View is totally obscured by stress-induced, adrenaline juiced brain fog.

Hello Kitty Parachute IPhone APP

3:20 p.m.     Collapse at cyclic switch, kiss your asinine aspirations “adieu” as your chopper shakes to a million bits in mid-air.

3:21 p.m.     Plummet to a sure death of regret and many broken bones — but then land miraculously… in an empty nest.

3:33p.m.     Vegetate there while deviant male child and dour female child learn to fly on their own two feet – and perhaps some day in the very distant future – elect to conduct a Search and Rescue Mission for you – their “Top Mom.”

Get Stuck On Smart

I Ink, Therefore I Am

18 Oct

Hmmm, should I get a tattoo?

Now that the sales of eBooks, Kindles, iPads and Nooks are surging, I wonder where all the ink from the printing of traditional books is going?

My theory is that most of it is ending up on various body parts as (you guessed it) tattoos.

Take a look around you (especially if you’re cursed to live in a stylish, relatively young and ultra hip city like Los Angeles, Miami or San Francisco) – what do you see?

Hmmm... can I tattoo my eyeballs?

Everyone and his mamma (statistically accurate + or – 25%) is sporting a tattoo.

Tattoos are also ubiquitous in the designs of T-shirts, sneakers, jeans, jackets, leather accessories, whips, glassware – seemingly everything but caskets.

Just ask artist Ed Hardy.

When did pretty in pink become pretty in ink?

I can’t pick up Twinkies and vodka at the A & P without being flashed by sexy tattoos from every woman who bends over to empty her grocery cart or pick up a can of creamed beef from the bottom shelf

(God forbid she spill her purse on the floor and have to scramble on all fours!)

No doubt the popularity of tattoos and low-rise jeans has magnified the shock and awe of classic “plumber’s crack.”

Peek-a-boo! Thrusting out at you from a red tattered thong strap is a snake entwined rose bush, a couple of love birds on park swings, a broken heart with the letters “R.I.P. U S.O.B.” and a couple of smirking skeletons “doing it.”

All hands on deck!

Pray tell, must every sacrun and coccyx from Hoboken to Hialeah be personalized in ink?  Must every metacarpal and phalange from Philly to Fullerton be branded in henna body art?

Celebrities such as Kat Von D, Jesse James, Carey Hart and Tommy Lee encourage the myth that all this ink on your skin is an irresistibly cool thing!

You lookin' at me?

Me thinks skin that’s totally covered with ink should be called “skink.”

Me thinks the tattoo mania will peter out soon… hopefully before the ink dries.

If you’re feeling like a relaxing YouTube break, check out the video below that portrays ink making as a sensual experience. Really.

The music alone – Alfred Brendel Piano Concerto No.5 in E flat major Op.73 -“Emperor” – 2 Adagio un poco mosso  – will sooth your soul.

(Think spa day!)

(Credit: A Chief Ink Maker shows how colour and ink is created from the raw ingredients–powder, varnish, and passion. Everything designers and printers need to know about the process, the challenges and joy of ink making.

http://www.theprintinginkcompany.ca/

The Printing Ink Company: True Performance in Colour
Presented by Peter Welfare, president and head ink maker, The Printing Ink Company. )

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