Tag Archives: Erma Bombeck

Desperate Housewife Boobs

15 Feb

Is Ohio on Mars?

Check out the fun with “Lighten Up” Columnist Dawn Weber & Yours Truly in the Buckeye Lake Beacon newspaper last week…

‘God bless the ‘regular’ folks in Ohio for keeping it real…’

Dawn Weber, proud Ohioan and humor blogger, asked in her “Lighten Up: It’s Time for Quality Reality TV” column (2-5-11) “Where are the regular people? Where are the Ohioans?”

Interestingly, many of them are here in Hollywood working on the shows we love to hate. They are proud that they are from Ohio, but really proud that they left  Ohio. They are tough nuts indeed, with a shrewd eye for entertainment, and bucks are a big reason they are here. (Jerry Springer ring a bell?)

The “achingly beautiful and disgustingly fit” people we must endure on TV are an OCD reflection of the industry’s reverence for the superficial – especially when it comes to women. In L.A. there is a peculiar alien race of ladies over 30 years old with swollen duck lips, fake balloon boobs, and startled looks on their sad faces. They resemble washed up porn stars. (We’ve come a long way baby!)

According to CalorieLab’s “Fattest States 2010” tally, Ohio ranks #13 and California #41. We don’t eat in L.A. – we experience eclectic cuisines in esoteric dining environments. We are not run-of-the mill, garden-variety gluttons – we are foodies. The only sweets we allow ourselves are eye candy – and it’s Halloween every day.

Ms. Weber is correct. There’s enough despair to go around.

In L.A. – where the grass is always greener around the corner at the medical marijuana pharmacy – fat, old and/or ugly people (excluding celebrities) are pretty much spurned, or worse yet pitied. Anyone “ordinary, normal, middle-of-the-road” is dead meat in the fast lane to show business fame and fortune.

Yes, perhaps the state that brought us the exceptional likes of the Wright Brothers, James Thurber, and Erma Bombeck could benefit from a style makeover, but God bless the “regular” folks in Ohio for keeping it real and beautiful.

Lighten up: It’s time for quality, reality TV

2011-02-05 / Editorials & Letters * The Buckeye Lake Beacon

Although I keep trying to forget, it’s winter. Still. So lately I’ve been plopped on the couch like a proper Midwesterner. Watching the boob-tube.

Now that I said “boob,” and I have your attention, I ask you: Where are the regular people? Where are the Ohioans?

All this diversity in entertainment, all these faces in all these different skin tones, yet one thing stays the same – everyone is achingly beautiful and disgustingly fit.

I want to punch them.

As a Buckeye, (State Motto: Eat Your Food – There’s Nothing Else To Do) I’m feeling, well, under-represented. Where are the wrinkles, the paunches, the bellies, the double chins? Where are the split ends, the receding hairlines, the mutts, the American cars, the crappy jobs. Where are any jobs? Do these people work?

Holy Toledo, where are the old people? What have they done to the old people?

Just look at the “Desperate Housewives.” Why so desperate, skinny witches, I mean -ladies? Someone take your Botox docs? Gorgeous little minxes, all of you. Chiseled cheeks, perfect hair, long legs, flat tummies, jutting hipbones…

Us Desperate? Ha!

Hipbones. I remember them from such decades as the 80s.

Want to see a Desperate Housewife? Come visit me in January. Add bored, complaining, housebound kids and 11 piles of laundry. Toss in an elderly parent requiring attention, a rag-tag collection of needy pets and a good 20-lb. stress-induced muffin top.

But it’s not just the nighttime soaps. No, even the reality shows are in on it – “Jersey Shore,“Dancing With the Stars,”Big Brother.” For the most part, the participants in these programs look like they stepped out of fashion magazines…or at least out of high-end brothels.

There are a couple exceptions – for one, ABC’s “The Middle.” Although located in a fictional Indiana, it’s pretty accurate in Mid-America interpretation, with freakishly short Frankie, freakishly tall Mike and their wonderfully weird kids. In a messy, badly decorated, Midwestern house, schlumping through life like the rest of us.

And there’s TVLand’s “Hot In Cleveland,” featuring the usual skinny witches, I mean – supermodel types poking fun at Ohioans. But we can take a joke. Especially since the sitcom also stars a glorious, riotously funny, yay for old people Betty White. The cast may have a laugh at our expense. But they soon find themselves appreciating Midwestern living, just as the Victoria Chase character said in the pilot episode:

“Cleveland: Where everyone is eating. And no one is ashamed!”

Darn straight, Victoria. We are not ashamed, and we won’t be ignored. We are Buckeyes – tough nuts!

Heartland homeys, it’s time to take back the tube and tell Hollyweird: Listen up! We want to see some more “average!” We want hard-working folks living in two story, mill-worker row-houses, with beat-up Fords and a crabby mom who needs her roots done. Kids with messy hair, glued to electronic boxes! A dad scratching himself in front of the Ohio State game! A dog who wets on the floor! Sometimes!

Now THAT’S my house – I mean, some quality, reality television.

Dawn Weber blogs at DAWNLIGHTENUP

Like New Jersey, but land locked?

What To Wear?

25 Jan

The eternal question looms before us daily. What to wear?

For me, the answer is simple. What works for me?  Black, black and more black!

Boo!

Okay, some gray (it matches my roots) but not too many shades of gray as that shatters my clarity.

As a transplanted NY comedy writer in LA and the 2010 Erma Bombeck Global Humor Winner (Erma rocks!) I feel compelled to wear black most days.  (So much so, that my concerned neighbor inquired, “Dear, are you in mourning?”)

For me, black summons the Muse. Black is cosmopolitan. Black is bodacious. Ha, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, black camouflages belly fat, love handles and flabby thighs (all the more reason to love it, I say!)

I like “comfy shab” when I’m plugging away on my humor blog Barb’s Blast (you’re reading it now honey!) or my books (stay tuned!) but also when – like many contemporary women (translation: multi-tasking, overachieving masochists)

I am a working wife (is there any other kind?), working mother (geez, is there any other kind?) coach, mentor, CFO, CEO, COO, microwave chef, dog nurturer, Satellite Sisters & Chaos Chronicles fan, Dorothy Parker & Robert Benchley worshiper, entrepreneur, bad TV aficionado, pop culture critic, aspiring cougar, pet therapist, chief wine and water bottle recycler, caffeine addict and other things I can’t recall.

With classic black and gray styles, I am as equally fashionable squeezing cantaloupe and kiwi in the busy market as editors and clients in onerous business meetings.

I am as comfortable stripping down in airport security lines as I am crafting uppity one-liners.

I look casually chic even when I feel as scattered as a pile of pick-up sticks in a 5.5 earthquake.

Shucks, I toss some fake pearls on and folks take me for a classy broad.

Serious and playful; It works for me.

Classic Song

Play or download at

Ho, Ho, Ho, Ha!

23 Dec
Christmas in the post-War United States

Image via Wikipedia

Ho, Ho, Ho, Ha!   Merry Christmas from Barbs Blast!

Thank You Mirth Mother!

16 Dec

THANK YOU ERMA!


Andrews McMeel Publishing

We baby boomers share a common “Mirth Mother” in beloved humorist and best selling author Erma Bombeck.

We were weaned on Erma’s wise and witty columns via newspaper clippings that our mothers proudly posted on the refrigerator door (this served as a blog in ancient times.)

While many of our mothers were marginalized by stunted cultural expectations and a crying lack of opportunity, Erma broke through those prickly barriers of her day with brilliant humor and unforgettable humanity to provide Mom with a powerful voice and much needed comic relief.

Sweetly subversive and hot damn hilarious, Erma poked enormous fun at the absurdity of women’s lives yet clearly valued parenting, marriage, and the vital importance for us all to fulfill our potential.

photo credit: Heidiclaire.blogspot.com

Erma epitomized “The One Who Does It All” – successful career, happy family – not to mention fame and fortune – all while being incredibly funny and (genuinely) nice. No small feat, but a worthy goal!

Let us thank “Erma Bombeck, Mirth Mother“ for blessing us with the inspiration, the role model and the legacy of laughter.  (Now sit up straight and stop chewing with your mouth open!)

Barb Best, 2010 Erma Bombeck Global Humor Winner

Erma Bombeck Museum

Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop

What Me Worry?

3 Dec

Credit: cbs.com

* Pray tell, do I have gingivitis and not even know it?

"Where's Waldo?"

*If bovine flatulence causes climate change, will new global regulations cause the price of Camembert to escalate idiotically?

IledeFrancecheese.com

Don’t mooch my cheese!

Arrrggh!

How do I know there isn’t a flesh-eating virus copulating madly on my TV remote?

Why do the firming qualities of almond butter and avocado paste sadly elude me?

How do you know your terminally cranky mail carrier doesn’t have critical “mental health issues?”

Why is my little sister dating a pig farmer she met on the Internet when she doesn’t even eat pork?

For sale:Iamshopping.com

How come you can never find a Bozo Bop Bag to kick the crapola out of when you really need one?

Lock those lips!

Why isn’t there LIFELOCK for LIPS – “LIPLOCK?“

Who doesn’t need a service to prevent that dastardly faux pas or grossly insensitive remark that we occasionally blurt out in precarious social situations like the office holiday party or Thanksgiving dinner with the snobby in-laws?

For Sale at coffee.org

I may be full of Arabica beans, but what the blue blazes is the point of decaffeinated breakfast blend?

%d bloggers like this: