Tag Archives: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Hubs and Grubs

1 Feb

Oops!

Have you noticed how difficult it is making your way through the grocery store to pick up a few overpriced necessities lately? Packs of preoccupied people (say that fast five times) obstruct the aisles – – and all of them are busy chatting, texting or squinting away on their cell phones. Enough already!

Put the phone down!

Not only is efficiency lost, but there is gridlock in the frozen food section, tailgating in the produce section and fender benders in the cereal aisle. Head-on collisions occur. Chain reaction crashes involving multiple shoppers result in cart loads of injuries. Hit and Runs abound.

“Clean Up on Aisle Four!” used to refer to a split sack of flour or a dropped jar of pickles – now it’s a call for EMTs and body bags.

Road rage in the health food aisle is also a big problem. I note that strict vegans are especially cranky, but my thinking may be dull from the fat and sugar in the Starbucks super sized blueberry lemon cream muffins I reward myself with more or less on a regular basis  (I call it m-o-t-i-v-a-t-i-o-n!)

Perhaps it’s time to station traffic cops in the local Safeway. (After all, it is called “Safe” way…) They can keep it moving, hand out warnings, issue tickets to repeat offenders, and if necessary, confiscate those smart phones from not so smart cookies.

Exemptions can be made for befuddled husbands struggling to comply with grocery lists meticulously composed by their wives.  They will be permitted three emergency phone calls per trip unless they exhibit a sore lack of diligence or gross gender subordination such as – “Screw it honey! There’s no friggin’ difference between Diet Swiss Miss Cocoa and No Sugar Swiss Miss Calcium – they both make you FAT.”)  Oh, boy…

Welcome Home Dear!

Tolerance and compassion will not be demonstrated for such right brain challenged dolts.  No “Express Check-Out” privileges for you, sonny.

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My Favorite Things

4 Jan

“These are a few of my favorite things…”

(Trumpets)

In honor of the 5,283 rd time that I have been coerced (okay, gladly) into watching “The Sound of Music”  +  to celebrate my disturbing infatuation with the highly enriching TV show “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”

Hallo Dawling!

(Ta-Da)

MY FAVORITE THINGS (A parody)

Champagne and roses and tattoos on yacht sailors

Bright ruby bracelets and mega power players

Blue velvet bags filled with diamond rings

These are a few of my favorite things,

(Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!)

Credit:festivalgifts.org

Dudes in Gucci leather and aviator glasses

Chanel No. 5 sprayed on the masses

Long winter weekends with barons and kings

These are a few of my favorite things,

(Mmmm)

Credit: Bravo TV

When the dog barfs

When the Botox stings

When I’m feeling sad

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don’t feel so bad!

(Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!)

Credit:cassiesclosetinc.com

Red Lamborghinis and fluffy white poodles

Silver and gold 24K, oodles and oodles

Dividend checks that the butler brings

These are a few of my favorite things,

(Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!)  

Biceps and bulges and movie star looks

Days spent alone with bloody good books

A beautiful romance with lots of bling-blings,

These are a few of my favorite things

(Mmmm)

Credit:WarnerBrothersHouseofWax

When the dog barfs

When the Botox stings

When I’m feeling sad

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don’t feel so mad bad sad!

(Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!) 

Chanel

Clubbing all night and sleeping ‘til noon

Creme brulee with a big silver spoon

Louis Vuitton, Cartier and caviar beluga

A ’51 Rolls with a horn, Oogah! Oogah!

A ’round the world cruise without any strings

These are a few of my favorite things!

(Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!)

(Applause)

Questions for the Curious

7 Nov

Eat your vegetables!

* Could someone tell the food industry that salmonella is not a seasoning?

It keeps popping up in salads like bacon bits.

Credit:onlineclocks.net

* When we “fall back, spring forward” and hit our heads or slip a disc, can we sue the government for liability?

* When the “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” get “fillers” next time, how about a heavy dose of the gray matter?

Credit:celebrifi.com

* Are male chauvinist pigs especially prone to catching swine flu?

Hey babe, come here often?

* Remember when the only doctors on TV were fictional or in commercials? It was more about cola and less about on-air colonoscopies.

I make house calls

I can make you feel better

Where does it hurt?

* Doesn’t Jackie Warner, the diet coach on Bravo’s “Thintervention” make Jillian Michaels on “The Biggest Loser” look like Mary Poppins?

Credit:JessicRalphblogspot

Meow!

How come it’s legal to buy sex toys and doobies in San Francisco, but you can’t score a Scooby-Doo! toy with a hamburger?

* If a Barbie Doll overdoses, is it considered “barbicide?”

Breathe in, breathe out!

A brush (and comb) with death

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