Tag Archives: Charlie Sheen

25 Reasons I Can’t Sleep

20 Sep

Over 5,000 people viewed “Freshly Pressed” “25 Things I DON’T Wanna Do Before I Croak” on Sept. 15th-16th. THANKS for all the great comments. You guys are funny! 😀

Photo Credit: Barb Best

WHAT KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT?  A QUIZ

(Check all that apply & add your own!)

1) The industrial strength garlic in the pasta carbonara I had for lunch

2) The dog is snoring like a moose and drooling on my pillow

3) I can’t turn off my brain

4) I’m hot

5) I’m cold

6) I need sex so bad my cavities ache

7) Memory… all alone in the moonlight… I can smile at the old days. What Broadway musical was that darn song from…  and why am I craving salmon?

8 ) I have restless Lego Syndrome (my inner child still can’t fit all the pieces together)

9) I’m hungry

10) I ate too much marbleized meat at dinner

11) I went to the damn movie Contagion

12) Did I eat infected cantaloupe in that over-priced fruit salad I had in the cafeteria yesterday? OMG, do I have listeria?

13) I’m not the least bit superstitious — but there will be NO #13.

14) My Visa bill is due in two weeks.

15) Charlie Sheen

16) The fact that I actually know who Snooki is…

17) Knowing that the Kardashians are laughing all the way to the bank

18) My young boyfriend

19) My young girlfriend

20) Your husband (the restraining order isn’t working)

21) I drank a pot of regular coffee after 5:00 p.m. and now I can’t close my eyes. I may have to tape them shut.

22) The national debt

23) Realization that Cher disturbs me a lot more than Chaz

24) Knowing that there is one more slice of chocolate birthday cake left in the fridge (and it’s got my name on it)

25) Space junk is gonna fall on my face any day. I just know it.

Paris Hilton’s Foot Reflexology Chart (via Barb’s Blast)

3 Jun

Summer is party time!

Paris Hilton's Foot Reflexology Chart In foot reflexology, the parts of the foot correspond to body organs. This is an analysis of the current state of Paris Hilton’s feet: 1. Her toes reflect what's going on in her head. When a noun, “head” follows “air.” Also a verb. 2. The heel end of her foot relates to her Sexual Organs. Tilted, due to wearing 3-inch spike high heel shoes worn dancing, clubbing, starring in X-rated videos and running towards paparazzi. 3. The heel corresponds to … Read More

via Barb's Blast

Malibu Beach Break

21 Mar

“April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain.”T.S. Eliot

B.S. to you T.S.  April is a peep show for wimps. March is the meanest month of all.

marshmallow peeps

March sucks. There is the promise of spring, and yet… it’s MIA. The bees ain’t buzzing and the flowers ain’t blooming nowhere. Our hearts skip a pitiful little beat when we glimpse a faint suggestion of sun peeking out from a Prozac gray sky, then it rains nonstop for a week.

You know you’re buckling under the stress when you succumb to severe crankiness with loved ones (even the dog) night sweats, dry scalp, asymmetrical eyelid twitching, ice pick headaches, email dysfunction, and rectal bleeding.

basset hound

Bitch!

Desperate for a frigging break from brutal winter weather, windchill whippings, bad ass storms, worldwide wars, Tsunami grief, Facebook flacks, Twitter twaddle, Charlie Sheen, and the joy numbing drudgery that is daily life?

You need a day at the beach, friends!

Here is a short beach break to replenish your spirit:

Most Annoying People of 2010

28 Dec

Hi fellow Blasters!  These are 5 of my most annoying — who are yours?

Eliot Spitzer (Too ugly for a photo here)

This loser sleazeball is rewarded for being a scuzzy sleazeball by being gifted a tedious TV show with journalist Kathleen Parker.

cnn store

Cynics may venture a wild guess that this is CNN’s flaccid attempt to jack up cheesy sexual curiosity for (you guessed it) ratings.

Load up on Purell, Ms. Parker.

purell.com

Justin Bieber

Too young. Too cute. Sings like a girl. Way too successful for a weeny little puppy.

justjaredjr.buzznet.com

Call me in ten years, Bieber.  I’ll tuck you in then!

Hugh Hefner

the more the merrier

105 year old Hugh Hefner and his 15 year old fiance + all of his former main squeezes – especially the ones with their own reality shows. (you know who you are)

Yup, macho man Hef will keep her up all night – with diaper changes.

Hiccup Girl

Help, I can't stop!

If there is anything more annoying than having hiccups yourself (especially at the theater or on a hot date) – it is “hiccup girl.”  “BOO” to you!

Charlie Sheen

Why does “bad boy behavior” (domestic violence, assault, drugs, disorderly conduct, etc.) translate into increased popularity on a family oriented TV sitcom?

Do not collect $2,000,000

Paris Hilton’s Foot Reflexology Chart

30 Aug

In foot reflexology, the parts of the foot correspond to body organs. This is an analysis of the current state of Paris Hilton’s feet:

1. Her toes reflect what’s going on in her head. When a
noun, “head” follows “air.” Also a verb.

2. The heel end of her foot relates to her Sexual Organs.
Tilted, due to wearing 3-inch spike high heel shoes
worn dancing, clubbing, starring in X-rated videos and
running towards paparazzi.

3. The heel corresponds to the Knees – see “head” a verb.
Traces of athlete’s foot visible due to contact sports
with various hunks and cute jocks.

4. Her Sole reveals the state of her Stomach and
Pancreas. Her stomach is shriveled due to years of ditzy
model diets. Pancreas is flooded with Splenda and a
natural sweetness associated with a challenged I.Q.

5. The Balls of her feet tells us what’s happening in the Lungs. Weak from
weed, likely unable to blow up a balloon.

6. The Center of the foot relates to the Heart. Her heart is big as a
ballroom in a 5 Star Hotel, but wide open as a Bentley convertible.

7. The Lower Middle of the feet reflect the Large Intestine. It is often
quite full.

8. The Inside Edge of the foot reveals the Kidney. Her kidneys are
saturated with Perrier, Evian, Pellegrino, Grey Goose.

9. The Outside Edges of the feet are directly linked to the Liver. It is
stressed from drinking green apple martinis at Sunset Strip clubs,
doing cocaine with sleazy boyfriends in Vegas and, of course, from
numerous bookings at city jails.

10. The Big Toe corresponds to the Nose. Bunions indicate
heightened olfactory sensitivity, can smell publicity a mile off.

(Images: novadetox.co.uk, The Bookish Dilettante, funnymations)

Footsies

%d bloggers like this: