Tag Archives: Weight loss

What’s Up Doc?

11 Jan

TheDoctorsTVshow

WHAT’S UP DOC?

Doc, you’re so funny

Surely you jokes,

Forget the fat?

No more smokes?

photo credit: delish.com

Lay off the sugar?

Ease off the salt?

Whoa, no more booze

Not even malt?

theblueseatsnyc.com

Doc, that’s a good one

My sides are splitting,

Oh, what I’d give if only…

You were kidding!

Buy card at RxLaughter.org

Check out the 501c3 nonprofit http://www.rxlaughter.org/

(Previously published – Barb Best – in print – The Malibu Times)

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Questions for the Curious

7 Nov

Eat your vegetables!

* Could someone tell the food industry that salmonella is not a seasoning?

It keeps popping up in salads like bacon bits.

Credit:onlineclocks.net

* When we “fall back, spring forward” and hit our heads or slip a disc, can we sue the government for liability?

* When the “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” get “fillers” next time, how about a heavy dose of the gray matter?

Credit:celebrifi.com

* Are male chauvinist pigs especially prone to catching swine flu?

Hey babe, come here often?

* Remember when the only doctors on TV were fictional or in commercials? It was more about cola and less about on-air colonoscopies.

I make house calls

I can make you feel better

Where does it hurt?

* Doesn’t Jackie Warner, the diet coach on Bravo’s “Thintervention” make Jillian Michaels on “The Biggest Loser” look like Mary Poppins?

Credit:JessicRalphblogspot

Meow!

How come it’s legal to buy sex toys and doobies in San Francisco, but you can’t score a Scooby-Doo! toy with a hamburger?

* If a Barbie Doll overdoses, is it considered “barbicide?”

Breathe in, breathe out!

A brush (and comb) with death

Diets for Dudes

27 Sep

Hey dudes!  Why should we chicks have all the fun with food?

Pink is not just for girls!

As you guys wolf down double cheeseburgers and gloriously greasy, heavenly salt drenched French fries, we women obsess over calorie and carb counts – daily depriving ourselves of everything remotely fattening. Why should we be the only ones to starve our bodies and souls on onerous fad diets?

There’s an obesity epidemic and – guess what – it is most definitely your fault! We women are obviously fighting the good fight.

Gee, dieting is such fun!

Don’t slide down that slippery slope on your corpulent love handles and middle-age belly fat to chronic diabetes, lower back pain, prostate pee problems and – oh my Viagra! – sexual dysfunction.

Because I care deeply, I have designed the following diets especially for you:

*** DIETS FOR DUDES ***

The Dine with your Dog Diet

What the woof are table manners?

Eat all of your meals on the virus-ridden linoleum kitchen floor with your lovable, sloppy four-legged buddy.  This will hopefully curb your appetite – so what if you develop a few antisocial habits?

The Tic-Tac Diet

Yes, Virgil, tic-tacs are a food group. Waddle over to your local 7-11 and grab a fistful of these zesty little flavor fests.  Great when chased down with Red Bull.

The Bronx Cheer Diet

Say Cheese!

Forget South Beach, Forget Beverly Hills, and definitely forget Scarsdale.  The Bronx is where it’s at when it comes to trendy cuisine of the truly beautiful.

The Salmonella Doughnut Diet

Dunkin’ Doughnuts, Krispy Crème, Hostess, pick your poison.  Look cool hanging out at salmonella tainted doughnut shops with slacker cops and methadone addicts.

Get the sugar high of your life as you scarf down tons of powdered sugar, lumpy jam fillings and polyurethane chocolate frosting– plus all the cheap Joe you can swill. Even your porcine appetite will dwindle.

Sugar, Sugar!

The Zoned-Out Diet

Space out on every video game you can steal from your fanatic computer geek cousin. The resulting neurological damage and relentless muscle spasms will hinder your ability to shovel tons of junk food down your gullet.

The Colon Hydrotherapy Diet

Need we say more? “Don’t make me get the hose!”

The Smut Diet

Not to be crass, but your right hand will constantly be “indisposed” therefore you will likely cut down your food intake by 50-65%.

The Rugged Man Fiber Diet

Eat crushed pineapple for every meal, chase it down with a quart of papaya juice. Yum, top it off with shredded coconut. You’ll have the runs so much you’ll think you’re training for a triathlon in an undeveloped country. So what if the pounds lost are in precious body fluids?

I love sit-ups!

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