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2 Apr

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Pharmacy Funk

21 Mar

So Many Ticked off Weary Texters Feigning Satisfaction

PharmacyFun


Standing for over an hour in a ridiculously long line at the hospital pharmacy? (Thank God for smart phones.)

So what if you were just released from the ICU after a week’s stay that was life-saving but spirit-numbing? You may resume your normal activities. Go run that marathon, honey!

This is your first endurance test: Will you get that golden prescription filled in time for the highly critical first dose? Hmm, will you make it to the front of the line alive? Definitely kicking, but alive?

One might assume the pharmacist could do the math and put some more chairs out for the slew of sick and tired waiters. Or perhaps a chaise lounge for dying patients customers?  Maybe an I.V. of chicken soup?  A cookie?

One would assume incorrectly.  (Best to lower those silly expectations.)

PharmacyFun

Stop Making Those Wishful Thoughts Fetch Sadness

How about a creative visualization DVD running on a flat screen TV?  The sound of waves are so soothing. Great for anger management.

I hope this doesn’t come with floss…

Save My Time With The Fake Schmooze. “JUST GIVE ME MY MEDS, DUDE!”

PharmacyFun

*** Nothing says “Mother” like a trip to the emergency room and a week in the hospital with your kid. Thank yous to NYU Medical Center and the superb care they gave my daughter! ***

Follow me on Twitter @HaBarb

New York University School of Medicine

New York University School of Medicine (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

PunEmployed

1 Mar

Will work for chocolate…

With unemployment and underemployment so high, many of us are reinventing ourselves professionally.

Baby Boomers, I’m not just talking to you!

You may need to rethink your life mission, your calling, your purpose. Have you perhaps considered these little known professions?  Tell me yours!

* How about?

Tarot Card Scholar

Cleanse Coach

Gumball Historian

Pity Party Planner

Hairball Stylist

Aroma Therapy Artist

Disgusting Flavor Jellybean Taster

Twitter Addiction Therapist

Social Media Profile Photo Consultant

Spam Chef

Diva Enabler

Sleep Coach

Clutter Creator

Principal Caregiver to All Devices Electronic

Rant Management Supervisor

Canine Audio Mitigation Specialist

Goldfish Grief Counselor

Zombie Health Practitioner

Ridiculous Excuse Inventor

Spinner to the Stars

Post-It Technician

Procrastination Coordinator

Giggle Facilitator

Sand Castle CEO

Piggy Bank CFO

Prevarication Tutor

Brain Fart Expert

Food Cravings Blogger

Novelty Piercing Retailer

Dream Consultant

Trampoline Tester

Mirth Maven

Government Pork Regulator

Private Parts Investigator

Jellyfish De-boner

Donkey Behaviorist

Dementia Bracelet Designer

Geriatric Sex Counselor

Houseplant Psychiatrist

DVR Instructor

Memory Engineer

“Men Only Spa” Alcoholic Beverage Coordinator

Pekingese Etiquette Coach

“Girls Night Out” Feelings Auditor

Lollipop Historian

Adult Entertainment Researcher

Spanx Trainer

Pet Wedding Photographer

Professional Wallet Organizer

Candle Counter

I’ll bet you have one… Tell me yours!

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Barb Best and Barb’s Blast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
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The Scarlet Letter

19 Feb
Credit: theknot.com.au

Credit: theknot.com.au

In Scrabble, the letter “F” merits a respectable four points. There are only two “F” tiles in the game set, which makes the number of words you can form with the letter “F” relatively limited.

In the real world, the “F” word is everywhere.

In the evolution of the English language, when did “Oh, darn!” become  “Oh, Fu#!” What happened to “friggin?” When did “fudge” deteriorate into “Fu#!”?

When did “take the F train” become “take the ‘Fu#!-ing’ train?”

When did dropping the F-bomb so casually become the status quo?

“F” used to convey a meaning of failure.  A rude, red “F” on a spelling quiz or a math exam would elicit disappointment, or at the least – some extra homework.  Now, “F” means “Fantastic! Fabulous! Good effort! You’re gifted.“

Thank you, Adam Mansbach for your mega bestseller, “Go The F**k To Sleep.”

I’m writing a new book entitled “Stop hurling the “F” word every five seconds because you’re coarsening the language and culture. Plus it’s lazy and boring!”

At some point, talking like a truck driver became cooler than driving a truck.  But like carbon emissions, sulfur dioxide, and lead, “F” contributes to air pollution.

We expect a liberal use of the “F” word from sailors, soldiers, pimps, graffiti artists, New Jersey housewives, Vice Presidents, and F-list stand-up comics, but not from role models or mommy bloggers.

Overheard at the dinner table:

Ten year old daughter:  “Mommy uses the “F” word on her blog!”

Hubs (to Mom):  “You do?”

Mom:  “No, of course not. Well, sometimes, but -”

Daughter:  “You shouldn’t say ‘butt’ either.”

Mom:  “Sweetheart, I’m a writer. I have poetic license.”

Daughter:  “I saw the “F” word twice on your last post.”

Hubs:  “Great. I hope my parents don’t read your blog.”

Daughter:  “And she says it on Twitter ALL the time!”

Hubs:  “Geez…”

Mom:  “Well, you know, everyone else does it…”

Daughter:  “In CAPS. On Twitter. That’s like yelling it.”

Mom:  “It’s for dramatic effect.  I’m using the vernacular. Look it up, honey.”

Daughter:  “In the dictionary?”

Mom:  “Just Google it. V-E-R-”

Daughter:  “Never mind, Mommy. Fu#!” it!”

*****

What do you think?

Sweet Talk

12 Feb

Gotta love romance in advertising.  Sweet talk seduces us.

This sharp little Mini Cooper S Convertible is officially Champagne colored.

Sweet Talk

Topless!

However accurate they may be, the words “Beige,” “Fungus,” and “Urine” don’t seem to have the same attraction as “Champagne.”

I hope the paint doesn’t have a lot of bubbles in it.

I’ll bet it’s really easy to get a DUI in this  car.

Cruising topless in your champagne colored car = joy ride.

“Passion” perfume.

Credit: Californiaperfumes.com

Names like “Bonking,” “Boffing,” or “Horny” don’t hold the same power or charm as “Passion,” do they?

“Kiss.”

Photo Credit: Amazon.com

Obviously, “Kiss” says it better than “peck,” “canoodle,” or “buss.”

Wikimedia Commons

Hershey

Hershey “Pecks?” “Smooches?” “Osculations?” No thank you.

Paris Hilton “Tease.”

Credit: Cupidspulse.com

“Tease” says it better than “Shallow,” “Ditzy,” or “Silly Billy.”  Smells like… money!

“My Funny Valentine” available on Amazon as a paperback and an eBook http://amzn.to/tgOu8b

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

Ain’t That Rich?

29 Jan

In dire economic times, professionals may employ downright crazy strategies to save (steal) money.

A penny saved is worth five to fifteen in the slammer.

According to the Associated Press, 1-24-12:

“A former dentist in Massachusetts has pleaded guilty to Medicaid fraud for using paper clips instead of stainless steel posts in root canals. Authorities say instead of stainless steel posts for root canals, he used sections of paper clips — which can cause pain and even infection — in an effort to save money.”

Root canal is bad enough… without your endodontist cutting (no pun, ouch) corners in such a tawdry fashion. Instead…

Couldn’t he have just cancelled some of those swanky magazine subscriptions in his office?

Or sell the flat screen TV in the waiting room? Not necessary!  Nobody’s looking at it. Everybody has their head up focused on their cell phones.

Maybe cut down on the annoying muzak in the examining rooms? Man, we’re nervous enough.

Wax his own damn moustache?

This won't hurt a bit!

Not pick up the tab for his perky, big boobed receptionist’s weekly manicures?

Engage in some serious extreme couponing like everyone else?

Oy, I wonder…  Did he also recycle the bloody gauze from patients’ mouths?

Did he instruct his patients to bring their own water to rinse?

Stock up on his instruments from this guy?

If you’d like to indulge your paranoia over dentists, check these entertaining gems out:

Images: Barb Best and Wikimedia Commons.

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

My Funny Valentine

24 Jan

Guess what?  Only 3 weeks to go…  will you be my funny valentine?

The reviews are rolling in…

GRADY HARP, Hall of Fame Reviewer, says:

“One of those `must have’ books not only because it is terrific reading but also because it has a lot to say about contemporary relationships. Kudos to a crew of writers who are very in the know about love and relationships. This is a little treasure of a book with some of the most terse humor being written today!”

“a fun read by 40 of the funniest writers in America”

“a little treasure of a book”

“hilarious bits by Barb Best”

A fresh and funny gift for “Love Day” – goes great with chocolate, flowers, hugs, kisses, diamonds, cars, gulf stream jets, Malibu beach houses, sock puppets!

Paperback and eBook on sale at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

 

Barb Best

Vote for Comedy

10 Jan

2012 – Leap year and election year.  Who needs Dixville Notch? We got Reese.

Comedy

You go, girl!

 

Reese Witherspoon gets my vote for one of the funniest movies ever  – Election.

 

Comedy

Directed by Alexander Payne. Based on the novel by Tom Perrotta. Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor. 1999. Paramount.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ELECTION MOVIE?

My New Year RIDS-olutions!

2 Jan

Good luck, honey!

  1. I will downsize. This will involve donating 25 years + of crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk) that I no longer use and not getting new crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk). Clutter (see “crap”) is not only “stuck energy” – it is a real hassle to dust.
  2. I will rid myself of the tendency to complain, whine, and kvetch. Gee, this is so hard to do… Whaa! Whaa! Whaa! OMG, what will I write about? Whaaaa!
  3. No matter how compelling the separation issues may be, the laptop and cell phone will not be taken into the bathroom. Too many close calls (get it? calls?)
  4. I will try not to stoop to the level of cheap puns and scatological humor (unless, of course, it amuses me and tickles the dog).
  5. I will stop harboring the desire to eat an entire double-decker box of dark chocolate covered cherries in one sitting unless I’m given a month to live or have really bad PMS, then all bets are off.
  6. However captivating it is to my Twitter followers, I will not tweet inappropriately from (i.e. nice restaurants, children’s birthday parties, business meetings, dental appointments, bed, car accidents, funerals, etc.). Social propriety trumps the compulsion to provide non-stop yuks (often at the expense of loved ones) to total strangers.
  7. I will stop using the Lord’s name (and the Duggars) in vain. Amen.
  8. When dressed in exercise clothes, I will actually make a serious effort to go to the gym and exercise.
  9. I will stop considering french fries “vegetables” and strawberry licorice “fruit.”
  10. I will not pull on my cuticles and shred them like confetti, no matter how dry they are or how excruciatingly boring the meeting/conversation/TV show is.

Minus 12 Grams Fiber

New Year’s Heave

30 Dec

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Mark Twain

Barb'sBlastHumorBlog

Back Off Buster!

Take a deep breath (in and out)

Then indulge in an unreality break before the new year is upon us like mayo on rye.

Put your feet up,

Sit a spell,

Enjoy a cat video or two…

Life is short (time challenged)

You only have one while kitty has nine!

Happy New Year!

Barb Best Humor

I Believe I Can Fly!

Mum Cat Video 4 Million Views +

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