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PunEmployed

1 Mar

Will work for chocolate…

With unemployment and underemployment so high, many of us are reinventing ourselves professionally.

Baby Boomers, I’m not just talking to you!

You may need to rethink your life mission, your calling, your purpose. Have you perhaps considered these little known professions?  Tell me yours!

* How about?

Tarot Card Scholar

Cleanse Coach

Gumball Historian

Pity Party Planner

Hairball Stylist

Aroma Therapy Artist

Disgusting Flavor Jellybean Taster

Twitter Addiction Therapist

Social Media Profile Photo Consultant

Spam Chef

Diva Enabler

Sleep Coach

Clutter Creator

Principal Caregiver to All Devices Electronic

Rant Management Supervisor

Canine Audio Mitigation Specialist

Goldfish Grief Counselor

Zombie Health Practitioner

Ridiculous Excuse Inventor

Spinner to the Stars

Post-It Technician

Procrastination Coordinator

Giggle Facilitator

Sand Castle CEO

Piggy Bank CFO

Prevarication Tutor

Brain Fart Expert

Food Cravings Blogger

Novelty Piercing Retailer

Dream Consultant

Trampoline Tester

Mirth Maven

Government Pork Regulator

Private Parts Investigator

Jellyfish De-boner

Donkey Behaviorist

Dementia Bracelet Designer

Geriatric Sex Counselor

Houseplant Psychiatrist

DVR Instructor

Memory Engineer

“Men Only Spa” Alcoholic Beverage Coordinator

Pekingese Etiquette Coach

“Girls Night Out” Feelings Auditor

Lollipop Historian

Adult Entertainment Researcher

Spanx Trainer

Pet Wedding Photographer

Professional Wallet Organizer

Candle Counter

I’ll bet you have one… Tell me yours!

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Barb Best and Barb’s Blast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
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The Scarlet Letter

19 Feb
Credit: theknot.com.au

Credit: theknot.com.au

In Scrabble, the letter “F” merits a respectable four points. There are only two “F” tiles in the game set, which makes the number of words you can form with the letter “F” relatively limited.

In the real world, the “F” word is everywhere.

In the evolution of the English language, when did “Oh, darn!” become  “Oh, Fu#!” What happened to “friggin?” When did “fudge” deteriorate into “Fu#!”?

When did “take the F train” become “take the ‘Fu#!-ing’ train?”

When did dropping the F-bomb so casually become the status quo?

“F” used to convey a meaning of failure.  A rude, red “F” on a spelling quiz or a math exam would elicit disappointment, or at the least – some extra homework.  Now, “F” means “Fantastic! Fabulous! Good effort! You’re gifted.“

Thank you, Adam Mansbach for your mega bestseller, “Go The F**k To Sleep.”

I’m writing a new book entitled “Stop hurling the “F” word every five seconds because you’re coarsening the language and culture. Plus it’s lazy and boring!”

At some point, talking like a truck driver became cooler than driving a truck.  But like carbon emissions, sulfur dioxide, and lead, “F” contributes to air pollution.

We expect a liberal use of the “F” word from sailors, soldiers, pimps, graffiti artists, New Jersey housewives, Vice Presidents, and F-list stand-up comics, but not from role models or mommy bloggers.

Overheard at the dinner table:

Ten year old daughter:  “Mommy uses the “F” word on her blog!”

Hubs (to Mom):  “You do?”

Mom:  “No, of course not. Well, sometimes, but -”

Daughter:  “You shouldn’t say ‘butt’ either.”

Mom:  “Sweetheart, I’m a writer. I have poetic license.”

Daughter:  “I saw the “F” word twice on your last post.”

Hubs:  “Great. I hope my parents don’t read your blog.”

Daughter:  “And she says it on Twitter ALL the time!”

Hubs:  “Geez…”

Mom:  “Well, you know, everyone else does it…”

Daughter:  “In CAPS. On Twitter. That’s like yelling it.”

Mom:  “It’s for dramatic effect.  I’m using the vernacular. Look it up, honey.”

Daughter:  “In the dictionary?”

Mom:  “Just Google it. V-E-R-”

Daughter:  “Never mind, Mommy. Fu#!” it!”

*****

What do you think?

MORE Holiday Gifts I DON’T Want!

14 Dec

Just wondering… do you know anyone who wants these gifts?

1. COZY PJ’s for 20-SOMETHINGS

 

Perfect for a rockin’ slumber party in their parents’ basement.

They are so cute with those footsies and tails… why, they look like toddlers.

Oh, wait, they kind of are like toddlers.

Oh, well.  Arrested development is so definitely under-rated.

I just want to pinch their cheeks!

You can find these hooded, footed jammies in SkyMall.

 

2.  MAGIC WAND REMOTE

For the man who has everything?  Voila!  Yes, another remote.SkyMallIt’s sheer magic.  Perfect for avid Harry Potter fans, too.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203672747&c=10200

 

3.  “CAT TOILET TRAINING SYSTEM”

“Potty Train Your Cat Faster Than Most People Can Potty Train Their Kids

SkyMall

Dogs are too dumb for this!


Hmm, let me think, is the cat smarter than my kids?

This is a pretty glamorous product. I bet it’s the same system used in the movie “Meet The Parents.” And there’s a video, too.

You guessed it. It’s available at SkyMall.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203198583&c=10723

 

4.  Giraffe

What do you get a two year old who already has a puppy or a kitten?

Yes, a giraffe!  “The perfect accessory in a nursery, this eye-catching giraffe is a great addition to any decor!”   Hope you have a ladder handy.  Wonder how much bamboo and rat guts “Spotty” eats for breakfast every day?

I didn’t have to tell you!  SkyMall has it!

 

5.  ELECTRONIC RACKET ZAPPERS SET

Killing insects has never been so much fun!  Zap!

SkyMallTo hell with reincarnation.  Just pretend you’re swinging at a tennis ball. You can keep score with every fly you swat and spider your squash.

Zap! Zap! Zap! Zam!

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102870451&c=10430

I want to thank SkyMall for the bounty of creative and entertaining products! It’s a gift of that keeps giving.

Photo credits: SkyMall catalog.

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

Let There be Light

6 Dec
“Popular Science” doesn’t have to be an oxymoron.
Exciting, entertaining, and even sexy news emerges daily from the bright world of scientific innovation. For instance:
From The Washington Post – How to de-stress law school students before exams?  Puppies!
Equal time for cats (or cat scans) of course.

Courtesy of RSNA.org & NPR

Here’s a fish that must be low in calories. What is an x-ray fish, you may ask?  Why, here is a brief description: ehow.com

the x-ray fish

“Baby, baby, can’t you hear my heartbeat?”
“A new study shows that 3-month-old infants and their mothers can synchronize their heartbeats to mere milliseconds.”

ScienceShot: Human Hearts Beat Together  by Meghan Rosen  http://bit.ly/vbQLmX

Saved the best for last.  Here’s a HOT news flash:

I'll have what she's having!

>>  CLICK RIGHT HERE  <<

Enlightening article from Time Magazine:

OR HERE http://healthland.time.com/2011/12/01/first-3d-movie-of-orgasm-in-the-female-brain/?xid=newsletter-weekly

HERE’S A GOOD SPOT, TOO.

Photo credits: x-ray fish (forum.rpg.net) and puppy (wikimedia commons)

Enhanced by ZemantaFunny Or Die – Cats with hats http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/690d

What do you collect? Comment & Win!

22 Nov

My guest co-blogger this week is “Ditchthebun” from Sydney, Australia. Her blog is interesting and a lot of fun.  Thank you Ditchthebun!

BARB:   Everybody has a collection of some sort.Over the years, I’ve collected travel brochures, ceramic clowns, Mardi Gras comedy tragedy masks, Playbills, water globe souvenir pens, New Yorker Magazines, hot air balloon art prints, vintage postcards, and scented erasers.

Erasers!

I’ve known people who’ve collected china teacups, ceramic salt and pepper shakers, Lladro Porcelain figurines, Swarovski crystal, Rubik’s cubes, Barbie dolls, rock concert tee shirts, Netsukes, first edition books, playing cards, Beanie Babies, owl-dog-cat-bluebird chotchkes, toy elephants, swizzle sticks, refrigerator magnets, ex-husbands, and pet ashes.

Sloane Crosley described her cache of plastic ponies in the essay “The Pony Problem” in her hilarious New York Times Bestseller I Was Told There’d Be Cake published by Riverhead Books.

Ditchthebun collects ice-cube trays and molds. I find this fascinating, then again maybe I don’t bake or entertain enough.

DITCHTHEBUN:

Brains

We actually bought one for my cousin who is studying to be a doctor. It was basically a gag gift. Apparently he uses it all the time. His medical friends loved it so much, he asked me to get him more for them. Somehow I ended up with a spare.

“Oooh BrAiN fOoD!”

BARB: I hope that’s chocolate.

Chillbots Robots

Technically I think my fiancé bought these to give as a gift to a friend of his, but somehow they never got further than our house. I think he’s getting as bad as me now… he called me in the other night to show me a space invaders ice-cube tray.

Gin & Titonic

These were bought for use at one of my parents’ New Years Eve parties the year of the dreaded Y2K. The theme was World’s End and these ice cubes were in a punch bowl labelled “Going Down with the Ship.” I still have no idea what she put in that punch, but it tasted amazing and made my head all tingly 😀

BARB: I’d like to see Leonardo DiCaprio ice cubes. Use your imagination.

Hearts

Originally these heart trays were bought to make rocky road hearts for bon bonnier for our wedding, but a few last minute stresses have severely limited our time so we’ve gone with something far more simple.

BARB: Simple like Twinkies or Hostess cupcakes?

Guitars

These were for my brother’s birthday party. I still claim them as my own, but they are rarely home these days.  Every Easter I make them into chocolate molds and decorate the top for my brother.

Penguins

Honestly I don’t think there was a rhyme or reason behind getting these. I thought they were cute and the tray cost $2 so I thought why not?! Mostly use just for myself in a drink on a Friday afternoon after work 😀  (Or when someone has forgotten to fill the regular ice tray yet again and is desperate for ice – you know a macho man is desperate when he has chubby penguins floating in his scotch and coke).

BARB: Penguin ice cubes – perfect for a global housewarming party.

Baby Feet

This has been used several times for baby showers, baby naming days etc. I think technically it is supposed to be used for fondant, but I don’t really like fondant.  So I have taken to making milk, dark, white & marble chocolate feet. They are a huge hit.

What do YOU collect? We’d love to know! Let us know briefly under “Comments” and win a new copy of The Beverly Hills Organizer’s Home Organizing Bible: A Pro’s Answer to Your Organizing Prayers.

*Winner will be selected on December 1st, 2011. Good luck!

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

Photo Credit: hotshotproducts.org

Photo Blast

1 Nov

Shoe store, West Village

westvillage

"I'll have what she's wearing!"

The city never sleeps…

Sweet Dreams

Doggie Daycare, Greenwich Village

They'll be here soon!

Sign, Washington Square Park

Beware of lawyers!

Intersection, Beverly Hills

BeverlyHills

Name dropper!

Heaven

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. Direct questions regarding permissions to barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

Think Different

18 Oct

Apple CEO Steve Jobs: Visionary. Inventor. Creative genius. Entrepreneur. Gifted marketer. An inspiration to all.

In the spirit of creativity, fun, and entrepreneurship, here are eight quirky – yet original – novelty products you may not have seen anywhere else.

1. Ice Screams – You scream, I scream, we all scream for Edvard MunchThe Scream” ice cube molds. These clever blocks of ice will surely impress the pretentious academics and wretched overachievers at your next cocktail soiree.

Arrrgh!

 

2. Wasabi Gumballs.  Yum, kids. Forget those tutty fruity, wimpy minty flavors – we got horseradish!

3. What’s a party without a couple dozen Stupidiotic Pills in the candy dish? When you’re short on liquor, these will surely do the trick – and quicker.  And totally legal! Of course, some folks won’t need any chemical assistance whatsoever in achieving sheer foolishness – they are naturals.

4.  Bacon Flavored Toothpicks. Ideal for plucking celery strands from between your bicuspids. And so classy, too!

Sharp!

 

5.  Unicorn Meat. “Excellent source of sparkles. Product of Ireland. Magic in every bite.”  Hey, don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it. I hear it tastes like chicken gizzards. But a leprechaun told me that, so who knows?

6.  Roadrage Megaphone. “Every car needs one.”  A great gift for that special family member with an anger management issue. Particularly effective in New York and Los Angeles where bullying is a sport.

7.  Shakespearean Insult Gum. My favorite! Put literate louts in their place with a highbrow crack from the Bard himself. “Thy breath stinks from eating toasted cheese.”

Thou suck!

 

8. Handerpants. Underpants for your hands. Supports the palms. Great for pajama blogging or playing the piano in a bordello. Let your fingers do the walking… to the wild side.

Photo Credits: Apple Computer, Barb Best

All products available at AAH’S.

copyright 2011

Meredith Baxter Journey

3 Oct

“A witty memoir of Family, Fame, and Floundering”

Crown Publishing

Guess what?  This book is funny, frank, and fascinating!

Untied shares Meredith’s story of triumph over profound personal challenges – troubled childhood, devastating marriages, alcoholism, breast cancer, and coming out as a lesbian – on national TV – fairly late in life.  You will be inspired!

Read an excerpt from Meredith’s memoir at Oprah.com

You can buy Untied at Amazon

Watch Meredith Baxter on “The Joy Behar Show”

Besides being a much beloved and highly accomplished actress, Meredith is a sought-after public speaker on surviving the experiences of breast cancer, substance abuse and overcoming domestic violence.

She founded “The Meredith Baxter Fund for Breast Cancer Research” and works on behalf of the CLARE Foundation.

Barb's Blast Humor Blog

10-2-11

For her work on the 1994 Lifetime TV movie “My Breast,” she received a special award for public awareness from the National Breast Cancer Coalition.

PhotoCredit: Barb Best

Barb & Meredith

Untied at Amazon

Photo Credit: Barb Best

Special thanks to Reva Solomon and The West Hollywood Book Fair.

25 Reasons I Can’t Sleep

20 Sep

Over 5,000 people viewed “Freshly Pressed” “25 Things I DON’T Wanna Do Before I Croak” on Sept. 15th-16th. THANKS for all the great comments. You guys are funny! 😀

Photo Credit: Barb Best

WHAT KEEPS YOU UP AT NIGHT?  A QUIZ

(Check all that apply & add your own!)

1) The industrial strength garlic in the pasta carbonara I had for lunch

2) The dog is snoring like a moose and drooling on my pillow

3) I can’t turn off my brain

4) I’m hot

5) I’m cold

6) I need sex so bad my cavities ache

7) Memory… all alone in the moonlight… I can smile at the old days. What Broadway musical was that darn song from…  and why am I craving salmon?

8 ) I have restless Lego Syndrome (my inner child still can’t fit all the pieces together)

9) I’m hungry

10) I ate too much marbleized meat at dinner

11) I went to the damn movie Contagion

12) Did I eat infected cantaloupe in that over-priced fruit salad I had in the cafeteria yesterday? OMG, do I have listeria?

13) I’m not the least bit superstitious — but there will be NO #13.

14) My Visa bill is due in two weeks.

15) Charlie Sheen

16) The fact that I actually know who Snooki is…

17) Knowing that the Kardashians are laughing all the way to the bank

18) My young boyfriend

19) My young girlfriend

20) Your husband (the restraining order isn’t working)

21) I drank a pot of regular coffee after 5:00 p.m. and now I can’t close my eyes. I may have to tape them shut.

22) The national debt

23) Realization that Cher disturbs me a lot more than Chaz

24) Knowing that there is one more slice of chocolate birthday cake left in the fridge (and it’s got my name on it)

25) Space junk is gonna fall on my face any day. I just know it.

Birthday Babes

7 Sep

Barb's Blast Humor Blog

Has “the sweet bird of youth” flown the coop and left you humming the blues?

Birthdays (especially milestone birthdays – you know who you are) tend to inspire heartfelt contemplation and soul-searching reflection – in spite of our vigorous attempts to resist such angst-inducing review.

It is indeed more pleasant to fill ourselves silly with a delectable excess of red velvet cake and cheap champagne ’til our senses are lulled into the lovely La-La Land of Ennui than to stare mortality squarely in the ugly mug.

My recent birthday musings were conveniently not focused upon me.  Nonetheless, they include these insightful gems (cough): 

I'm an old man!

… and he doesn’t look a day over 5 months old (in stuffed elephant years, that is).

  • Barbie has a Facebook Page with over 2,500,000 friends. Why don’t I?   Boo Damn Hoo.  Life is NOT fair!

Photo Credit: CarrieBee

  • How old is Barbie anyway?  I sure can’t tell… she’s obviously had tons of “work” done.  She was born in 1959 – you do the math.
  • “Malibu Barbie” only admits to being 18 years old, but we know better, don’t we? What a marvel she is – years spent lounging on the beach in a zebra bikini and no apparent sun damage. How does she do it?
  • Why isn’t there a Beverly Hills Barbie (aka Botox Barbie)?  Just imagine the designer clothes, accessories, and jewelry.

Damn that Barbie, she has all the fun! http://barbiestyle.barbie.com/history.aspx

 

  • Wonder Woman   How old is she?  She still has the perkiest darn breasts! She must work out every day.  It helps to have a wardrobe that consists exclusively of Spanx Power Panties, lycra corsets, and Wonder Bras.

Cool wardrobe, WW

 

  • Betty Boop  Born in 1930, animated Betty has always been in super shape. Look at those gams. Must be the dancing.

Kick up your heels, honey!

 

  • My personal favorite.  Mrs. Potato Head got a makeover in 2011 — now she is 25 pounds slimmer.  Potatoes must be good role models.

The new me!

 

I’ll leave you with these wise words: “Remember my birthday, forget my age!”

Photo Credits: Wonder Woman FAO Schwarz: Limited Edition Wonder Woman Deluxe Trunk Set · FAO Schwarz: thisnext.com; Madeline:drtoy.com; Mrs. Potato Head:glamour.com;Betty Boop:allposters.com

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