Tag Archives: Facebook

My New Year RIDS-olutions!

2 Jan

Good luck, honey!

  1. I will downsize. This will involve donating 25 years + of crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk) that I no longer use and not getting new crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk). Clutter (see “crap”) is not only “stuck energy” – it is a real hassle to dust.
  2. I will rid myself of the tendency to complain, whine, and kvetch. Gee, this is so hard to do… Whaa! Whaa! Whaa! OMG, what will I write about? Whaaaa!
  3. No matter how compelling the separation issues may be, the laptop and cell phone will not be taken into the bathroom. Too many close calls (get it? calls?)
  4. I will try not to stoop to the level of cheap puns and scatological humor (unless, of course, it amuses me and tickles the dog).
  5. I will stop harboring the desire to eat an entire double-decker box of dark chocolate covered cherries in one sitting unless I’m given a month to live or have really bad PMS, then all bets are off.
  6. However captivating it is to my Twitter followers, I will not tweet inappropriately from (i.e. nice restaurants, children’s birthday parties, business meetings, dental appointments, bed, car accidents, funerals, etc.). Social propriety trumps the compulsion to provide non-stop yuks (often at the expense of loved ones) to total strangers.
  7. I will stop using the Lord’s name (and the Duggars) in vain. Amen.
  8. When dressed in exercise clothes, I will actually make a serious effort to go to the gym and exercise.
  9. I will stop considering french fries “vegetables” and strawberry licorice “fruit.”
  10. I will not pull on my cuticles and shred them like confetti, no matter how dry they are or how excruciatingly boring the meeting/conversation/TV show is.

Minus 12 Grams Fiber

Photo Blast

1 Nov

Shoe store, West Village

westvillage

"I'll have what she's wearing!"

The city never sleeps…

Sweet Dreams

Doggie Daycare, Greenwich Village

They'll be here soon!

Sign, Washington Square Park

Beware of lawyers!

Intersection, Beverly Hills

BeverlyHills

Name dropper!

Heaven

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

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Facebook Dudes

16 Aug

Friends!

You gotta have friends. Song lyrics do not lie.

As an enthusiastic member of the booming Facebook community, you undoubtedly receive numerous, if not hundreds (or thousands if you have a super sexy photo) of friend requests.

Frankly, some of these overtures may come from nefarious dudes who are trolling FB for babe pics to add to their “collections.”

Facebook

As the classic New Yorker cartoon by Peter Steiner says: “On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.”

True, but there are clues. Look for the red flags. Listen for the “Woof!”

Here are my top 12 Red Flags – what are yours?

  • He is posed proudly in his profile photo wearing a neck brace, a “Star Trek” cap – and no pants.
  • He is smiling creepily in his pic with totally tattooed, ape-hairy arms clasped lustfully around his  a) many motorcycles  b) five teenage wives c) pregnant sister  d) machine gun  e) camel.
  • His photo is a mean, fugly mug shot.  It is embossed with a row of federal I.D. numbers, and the fine print reads “Maximum Security.”
  • He proudly lists among his activities and interests the following:  graffiti, taxidermy, yak farming, farting, and stalking.
  • He claims his favorite TV shows are The View, Oprah!, Rachael Ray, and Ellen.   (Fat chance girlfriend!)

Credit: Ellen DeGeneres Show

  • His FB friends are exclusively lovely women who look amazingly and eerily similar to you.  (Hmmm…  this is no coincidence.)
  • He’s a haggard old geezer, older than your grandfather.
  • He is your grandfather.
  • He spells his name in pig Latin, OR he uses a name that is only initials, i.e. “B.J.”
  • Under “Religion” he proclaims he found God during his first alien abduction.
  • He “Likes” the Charles Manson Music fan page.

Harper Collins Publishers – author of “How To Talk To Girls

http://harpercollins.com/books/How-Talk-Girls/?isbn=9780061709999

Malibu Beach Break

21 Mar

“April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain.”T.S. Eliot

B.S. to you T.S.  April is a peep show for wimps. March is the meanest month of all.

marshmallow peeps

March sucks. There is the promise of spring, and yet… it’s MIA. The bees ain’t buzzing and the flowers ain’t blooming nowhere. Our hearts skip a pitiful little beat when we glimpse a faint suggestion of sun peeking out from a Prozac gray sky, then it rains nonstop for a week.

You know you’re buckling under the stress when you succumb to severe crankiness with loved ones (even the dog) night sweats, dry scalp, asymmetrical eyelid twitching, ice pick headaches, email dysfunction, and rectal bleeding.

basset hound

Bitch!

Desperate for a frigging break from brutal winter weather, windchill whippings, bad ass storms, worldwide wars, Tsunami grief, Facebook flacks, Twitter twaddle, Charlie Sheen, and the joy numbing drudgery that is daily life?

You need a day at the beach, friends!

Here is a short beach break to replenish your spirit:

10 DONT’S ON A JOB INTERVIEW

20 Sep

A certain modicum of professionalism and courtesy is expected of you as you appear for a job interview in these tough economic times…

 

Tips for Success

Therefore, please DON’T:

1. Chomp or blow bubble gum

2. Groove to your IPod – even though you’re bored silly

3. Text and/or take calls on your cell phone

4. Clutch your teddy bear

5. Scratch, pick, rub yourself – even though you are “self-soothing”

Remember!

6. Mention that you’re addicted to Facebook and Twitter

7. Cry for your helicopter mommy

8. Brag about not wearing underwear

9. Smoke anything

10. Be two days late

Helpful Advice!

Eat, Pray, Like!

6 Sep

I – and millions of my close personal cyber friends – eat, pray and “Like” everyday.

Om. We eat at our desks in front of our computers.

Om. We pray that our internet connections do not crash.

Om. We “Like” on Facebook and all over the darn place. We Like this. We Like that. If we find ourselves in a particularly generous mood, we like everything we see. Click, click, click. It’s easy. It’s fun. And like swilling Vitameatavegamin, it’s so tasty, too.

Share the love!

The popular social media plug-in “I Like” gets a thumbs up from me. “I Like” sure knows how to push my buttons.

As my loving mother barked at me, “Be nice to your creepy little brother! So what if he put a Boa Constrictor down your bra? Why can’t you just like each other?”

I Love You!

As Barney the painfully purple dinosaur sang at us, “I love you, You love me, we’re a happy family.” Barney & Friends liked each other into a diabetic coma. Historic note – The “I Love You” song is so annoying that it has reportedly been used by interrogators at Guantamano Bay to coerce detainees.

In Venice, a handsome young Italian man wearing a snug striped shirt and form fitting pants (and obviously enamored of me) smiled up at me from his sidewalk sausage cart on the Piazza San Marco and blurted, “You like-a me?” I do-a! I do-a! (Who says American women are naive among Italian stallions?)

"You Like-a Me?"

Spiritual leaders – and The Beatles – remind us that it is easier to like and love than to dislike or hate.

There is a whole lotta liking going on out there. And i figure it can only add to the love in the world. You Like?

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