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My Favorite Things
4 Jan
“These are a few of my favorite things…”
(Trumpets)
In honor of the 5,283 rd time that I have been coerced (okay, gladly) into watching “The Sound of Music” + to celebrate my disturbing infatuation with the highly enriching TV show “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”
Hallo Dawling!
(Ta-Da)
MY FAVORITE THINGS (A parody)
Champagne and roses and tattoos on yacht sailors
Bright ruby bracelets and mega power players
Blue velvet bags filled with diamond rings
These are a few of my favorite things,
(Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!)
Credit:festivalgifts.org
Dudes in Gucci leather and aviator glasses
Chanel No. 5 sprayed on the masses
Long winter weekends with barons and kings
These are a few of my favorite things,
(Mmmm)
Credit: Bravo TV
When the dog barfs
When the Botox stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad!
(Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!)
Credit:cassiesclosetinc.com
Red Lamborghinis and fluffy white poodles
Silver and gold 24K, oodles and oodles
Dividend checks that the butler brings
These are a few of my favorite things,
(Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!) 
Biceps and bulges and movie star looks
Days spent alone with bloody good books
A beautiful romance with lots of bling-blings,
These are a few of my favorite things
(Mmmm)
Credit:WarnerBrothersHouseofWax
When the dog barfs
When the Botox stings
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so mad bad sad!
(Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!) 
Chanel
Clubbing all night and sleeping ‘til noon
Creme brulee with a big silver spoon
Louis Vuitton, Cartier and caviar beluga
A ’51 Rolls with a horn, Oogah! Oogah!
A ’round the world cruise without any strings
These are a few of my favorite things!
(Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching! Ca-Ching!)
(Applause)
Most Annoying People of 2010
28 DecHi fellow Blasters! These are 5 of my most annoying — who are yours?
Eliot Spitzer (Too ugly for a photo here)
This loser sleazeball is rewarded for being a scuzzy sleazeball by being gifted a tedious TV show with journalist Kathleen Parker.
cnn store
Cynics may venture a wild guess that this is CNN’s flaccid attempt to jack up cheesy sexual curiosity for (you guessed it) ratings.
Load up on Purell, Ms. Parker.
purell.com
Too young. Too cute. Sings like a girl. Way too successful for a weeny little puppy.
justjaredjr.buzznet.com
Call me in ten years, Bieber. I’ll tuck you in then!
Hugh Hefner
the more the merrier
105 year old Hugh Hefner and his 15 year old fiance + all of his former main squeezes – especially the ones with their own reality shows. (you know who you are)
Yup, macho man Hef will keep her up all night – with diaper changes.
Hiccup Girl
Help, I can't stop!
If there is anything more annoying than having hiccups yourself (especially at the theater or on a hot date) – it is “hiccup girl.” “BOO” to you!
Why does “bad boy behavior” (domestic violence, assault, drugs, disorderly conduct, etc.) translate into increased popularity on a family oriented TV sitcom?
Do not collect $2,000,000
Thank You Mirth Mother!
16 DecTHANK YOU ERMA!
Andrews McMeel Publishing
We baby boomers share a common “Mirth Mother” in beloved humorist and best selling author Erma Bombeck.
We were weaned on Erma’s wise and witty columns via newspaper clippings that our mothers proudly posted on the refrigerator door (this served as a blog in ancient times.)
While many of our mothers were marginalized by stunted cultural expectations and a crying lack of opportunity, Erma broke through those prickly barriers of her day with brilliant humor and unforgettable humanity to provide Mom with a powerful voice and much needed comic relief.
Sweetly subversive and hot damn hilarious, Erma poked enormous fun at the absurdity of women’s lives yet clearly valued parenting, marriage, and the vital importance for us all to fulfill our potential.
photo credit: Heidiclaire.blogspot.com
Erma epitomized “The One Who Does It All” – successful career, happy family – not to mention fame and fortune – all while being incredibly funny and (genuinely) nice. No small feat, but a worthy goal!
Let us thank “Erma Bombeck, Mirth Mother“ for blessing us with the inspiration, the role model and the legacy of laughter. (Now sit up straight and stop chewing with your mouth open!)
Barb Best, 2010 Erma Bombeck Global Humor Winner
Holiday Gifts I DON’T Want!
9 Dec
Buy at: dachshundsdressedforshow.com
NO “Dog Snuggie” or hip clothing for the pooch
Animals that chase their tails, lick their private parts incessantly in public and sniff strangers’ crotches willy-nilly should not be making fashion statements.
Sorry Ms. Hilton, but I’ve yet to see a Chihuahua look stylish in a leopard print. Get over it – a Bassett Hound will never be a fashionista!
Credit:petplanet.co.uk
NO to a pet goat!
Yes, I understand that according to World Vision, “Goats provide milk, yogurt and cheese – and truly change lives.”
BUT if you give me a goat for Christmas, I swear on a stack of Farmer’s Almanacs, I’ll never speak to you again – not even on FB.
FYI: 7-11s provide milk, yogurt and cheese plus highly entertaining tabloids and nifty lottery tickets, too – and they won’t crap on your carpet, scare the poor cat silly or eat the TV remote.
Buy at: Cafepress.com
NOPE to the hokey jokey T-shirts
BTW “I’m with Stupid” is shockingly redundant for most of us.
Duh!
NO self-published autobiographical tomes
Buy at ChronicleBooks.com
How do I make time to read your 5 trillion word (single-spaced) masterpiece?
I don’t have the time or inclination to skim the instructions to my cell phone – and my life depends upon that.
Reading about your madcap adventures with quirky Grandma at The Mall of America three summers ago just doesn’t scream “High Priority.”
Frankly, it suggests a deep sleep akin to a decade-long coma that one is unlikely to recover from – ever.
Buy at: Amazon.com
NO bizarre personal care items such as “armpit pruner” or “cordless ear wax cleaners” are remotely acceptable as holiday gifts.
“Powerful, yet gentle, suction” should not be used on the ear unless your I Pod headphones have embedded themselves in your ear canals and you literally “just can’t get that song outta your head.”
Credit: ModernPooch.com
NO to the Dog DNA Analysis Kit
($59.95 + $11.99 Shipping & Handling) Instructions read “Simply swab the insides of your dog’s cheeks” – Right!
My crazed Rottweiler-whatever pup will surely let me open his mouth and “swab” away without mutilating my hands and tearing my face off first!
Maybe I can “swab” while I’m brushing and flossing his teeth, he’s so mellow then.
NIX-NAY – Enough with the re-gifted curly bow spa baskets!
Soap is soap and I say it’s boring! If you really care…
Come over and give me a Champagne bubble bath and a hot oil massage if you seriously want to gift me like I’m a VIP at The Breakers.
Credit: VanityFair.com
Charities I’d Like To See
14 Nov
* Habitat for Hummus
Join the movement to salvage the scurrilous reputation of hummus – that much maligned chickpea pigeon poop paste that even rabid goats and war camp detainees won’t suck on if they are starving to death. So what if this trendy excuse for guano isn’t as nutritious as smoked bacon or French onion dip?
I say it’s compost and I say to hell with it!
Bottoms Up!
* MADT – Mothers Against Drunk Texting
This is captain obvious, but we all know how deadly serious this issue is. Loose lips sink friendships. Friends don’t let friends drink and send. Don’t just take the keys; take the keywords and the keyboards. BTW OMG NO TM WEN BLOTTO BOOHOO TYVM
* Save the Nails
This 501(c)3 provides respectable manicures for the truly needy. For those who suffer from the heartbreak of sore, split, chipped, chewed, broken, jagged, anemic pathetic looking fingernails.
For those of you whose horny protrusions at the tips of your gnarly digits barely seem fit for scraping year old chewing gum off the gas station restroom floor, let alone for quality time with your Blackberry.
* The Red Floss
All donations to this health care initiative fund medical research aimed at curing bleeding gums when you floss. Put an end to the horror you feel when you spit a mouthful of fire engine red blood into your sparkling white bathroom sink.
glub, glub
* The Make A Dish Foundation
A Le Cordon Bleu Chef will come to your home, plop you down in front of the TV with a chilled glass of Chardonnay and a fat jar of cocktail onions, then proceed to your kitchen where he/she will lovingly cook and serve you the five-star, gourmet meal of your salivary gland dreams.
Bon appetit!
* The Smile Train Wreck
Donations to this organization will bribe prominent cosmetic surgeons to risk their medical malpractice insurance ratings to try to correct that crooked smile on your loved one’s face. So what if you don’t have a cleft lip or cleft palate? (Think Dick Cheney!)
* Plant Parenthood
An education initiative that helps educate and rehabilitate those of us who lack a green thumb.
You know whom you are, you sad sacks who can’t keep a potted plant alive in your kitchen for more than a few days.
Heal the despair and low self-esteem that comes from not being trusted to take care of a measly houseplant.
credit:sirefinder.com
* Old McDonald House
Old McDonald House is a residential facility supervised by mental health practitioners where the extreme animal lover can heal their addiction to their four-legged, furry, foul-smelling friends.
Yes, it’s nice to have a dog or cat, but you have a problem if before you know it you’re hoarding animals in your studio apartment.
A rescue mutt here, a stray cat there, a sick puppy here and there, and – E-Eye-E-Eye-Oh – before you know it you’ve got a shipload of kitties, cockatoos, chickens, a pig, a pony and a five foot boa constrictor (he was so cute as a baby).
credit:Dorling Kindersley:DK Readers
Holy Moly, Angelina Jolie!
4 OctBam, Zam, Wow! You rock as super CIA agent Evelyn Salt in your latest thriller “Salt.” James Bond and Jason Bourne, tip your toupees to Evelyn and Angelina.
This is why they pay me the big bucks.
In the movie, you karate kick the flying gizzards out of a brigade of burly Commie psychos, sucker punch a platoon of New York City cops, put the slip on the Secret Service and the FBI – not to mention construct a most effective rocket launcher from a fire extinguisher and table legs.
Don't mess with me!
Oh, and much thanks for saving the world from nuclear annihilation. Someone had to do it.
A bit of an unbelievable plot and hero, you say?
Jump me!
Shucks, I never heard any guy coming out of a James Bond flick, complaining “Gee, that was kind of farfetched, he doesn’t look muscular enough to highjack a speeding motorcycle, jump from a bridge to the roof of a careening trailer tractor, leap from a top security helicopter into the freezing Potomac River and charge through the woods carrying a backpack full of nuclear reactors.” All while being shot at and shagging a Super Model.
Math is hard!
Angie baby, as super spy Evelyn Salt, you are also a real woman who demonstrates tenderness for her mild mannered, mole-flecked husband and cute pooch, is darn nice to small neighbor children who find math hard, and – get this – even offers to cook breakfast.
Hmm. You just don’t see “Bond, James Bond” stop to feed the cat or kiss a wife goodbye or canoodle the kids before mountain biking up Mount Kilimanjaro, hang gliding off the Cliffs of Moher or scaling a remote island castle in the Arctic sea to blow away Goldfinger and Octopussy.
Like a back rub?
It’s refreshing to see a non-animated female character (even if the role was originally written for a male) who embodies intellectual power, intestinal fortitude, strength, heart – and, yes – beauty.
Donate to Unicef
Check out Angelina Jolie’s equally impressive work for Unicef:
Barb Best
ERMA BOMBECK GLOBAL HUMOR WINNER
My Funny Valentine
PAPERBACK FOR SALE on AMAZON
Barb's Blast 