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Sweet Talk

12 Feb

Gotta love romance in advertising.  Sweet talk seduces us.

This sharp little Mini Cooper S Convertible is officially Champagne colored.

Sweet Talk

Topless!

However accurate they may be, the words “Beige,” “Fungus,” and “Urine” don’t seem to have the same attraction as “Champagne.”

I hope the paint doesn’t have a lot of bubbles in it.

I’ll bet it’s really easy to get a DUI in this  car.

Cruising topless in your champagne colored car = joy ride.

“Passion” perfume.

Credit: Californiaperfumes.com

Names like “Bonking,” “Boffing,” or “Horny” don’t hold the same power or charm as “Passion,” do they?

“Kiss.”

Photo Credit: Amazon.com

Obviously, “Kiss” says it better than “peck,” “canoodle,” or “buss.”

Wikimedia Commons

Hershey

Hershey “Pecks?” “Smooches?” “Osculations?” No thank you.

Paris Hilton “Tease.”

Credit: Cupidspulse.com

“Tease” says it better than “Shallow,” “Ditzy,” or “Silly Billy.”  Smells like… money!

“My Funny Valentine” available on Amazon as a paperback and an eBook http://amzn.to/tgOu8b

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
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What Women Want

5 Feb

Gunfire is illegal, so here’s a poem in celebration of Valentine’s Day.

 

WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?

What do women want, dude?

I’ll tell you!

Kill the black widow spider

Smash the horse fly

Wrestle that ’gator in yonder lake

Slice the venom-spitting snake.

 

Pulverize the prowler

In one Superman swoop,

No spurting blood

No cracking bones

Do it nice, don’t tell me how

No messes, but do it now.

 

What do women want, dude?

I’ll tell you!

Purr like a kitten, tiger

Dance the Howdy Doody

Rock ‘n Roll me with violins,

Shower me with mortal sins.

 

Sail me love letters

In my alphabet soup

Stir it hard,

Use your imagination,

Be a prince, show some stately grace,

Valentine me with diamonds and lace.

 

What do women want, dude?

Most of all?

At least try to enthrall,

A dozen red roses, pricks and all.

Available on Amazon as a paperback and an eBook http://amzn.to/tgOu8b

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

My Funny Valentine

24 Jan

Guess what?  Only 3 weeks to go…  will you be my funny valentine?

The reviews are rolling in…

GRADY HARP, Hall of Fame Reviewer, says:

“One of those `must have’ books not only because it is terrific reading but also because it has a lot to say about contemporary relationships. Kudos to a crew of writers who are very in the know about love and relationships. This is a little treasure of a book with some of the most terse humor being written today!”

“a fun read by 40 of the funniest writers in America”

“a little treasure of a book”

“hilarious bits by Barb Best”

A fresh and funny gift for “Love Day” – goes great with chocolate, flowers, hugs, kisses, diamonds, cars, gulf stream jets, Malibu beach houses, sock puppets!

Paperback and eBook on sale at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

 

Barb Best

New Year’s Heave

30 Dec

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Mark Twain

Barb'sBlastHumorBlog

Back Off Buster!

Take a deep breath (in and out)

Then indulge in an unreality break before the new year is upon us like mayo on rye.

Put your feet up,

Sit a spell,

Enjoy a cat video or two…

Life is short (time challenged)

You only have one while kitty has nine!

Happy New Year!

Barb Best Humor

I Believe I Can Fly!

Mum Cat Video 4 Million Views +

Hairy Christmas!

20 Dec

1-800-Pet-Meds

Has your dog “Snippy” had his photo taken with Santa yet?

Has he sat on Santa’s lap and communicated his heartfelt wants?

According to the L.A. Times, an Associated PressPetside.com poll shows 52% of pet owners plan to buy their animals a holiday gift — up from 43% last year.

Your cat “Snots” may insist she only wants world peace for Christmas, but I recommend you have a bag or two of her favorite 90 proof catnip snaps on hand just in case.

poundrescue.com

I’ll bet Snippy’s been a really good boy. (We’ll forget about the four sticks of margarine he ate off the kitchen counter yesterday afternoon. Guess his next big gift to you will come already wrapped… I can’t believe it’s not butter!)

Have you bought him a paw-shaped holiday stocking full of candy cane raw hides?

Or a cute, stuffed toy to sleep with and/or rip to pieces?

He may appreciate some fashionable apparel this season. Leopard tees and red turtlenecks are quite handsome – especially on the less dignified breeds.

Snippy will surely enjoy a spa treatment with honey shampoo, tingling chocolate mint conditioner, spray-on detangler and a much needed teeth whitening.

Ever floss a Rotweiller?  (I didn’t think so…)

Hey Fluffy, why not some Botox to go along with those precious pink bows?

A gift certificate for an acupuncture session is a thoughtful gift for the pooch who barks incessantly. You will enjoy it, too.

If puppy seems stressed all the time, why not enlist a therapy dog for him?

It’s the gift that keeps giving.

After all, aren’t ALL dogs therapy dogs?

Memo from the cat:
It’s a wonderful time to donate to local animal welfare organizations and/or adopt a pet!!!

* We wish you a hairy Christmas * We wish you a hairy Christmas *

MORE Holiday Gifts I DON’T Want!

14 Dec

Just wondering… do you know anyone who wants these gifts?

1. COZY PJ’s for 20-SOMETHINGS

 

Perfect for a rockin’ slumber party in their parents’ basement.

They are so cute with those footsies and tails… why, they look like toddlers.

Oh, wait, they kind of are like toddlers.

Oh, well.  Arrested development is so definitely under-rated.

I just want to pinch their cheeks!

You can find these hooded, footed jammies in SkyMall.

 

2.  MAGIC WAND REMOTE

For the man who has everything?  Voila!  Yes, another remote.SkyMallIt’s sheer magic.  Perfect for avid Harry Potter fans, too.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203672747&c=10200

 

3.  “CAT TOILET TRAINING SYSTEM”

“Potty Train Your Cat Faster Than Most People Can Potty Train Their Kids

SkyMall

Dogs are too dumb for this!


Hmm, let me think, is the cat smarter than my kids?

This is a pretty glamorous product. I bet it’s the same system used in the movie “Meet The Parents.” And there’s a video, too.

You guessed it. It’s available at SkyMall.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203198583&c=10723

 

4.  Giraffe

What do you get a two year old who already has a puppy or a kitten?

Yes, a giraffe!  “The perfect accessory in a nursery, this eye-catching giraffe is a great addition to any decor!”   Hope you have a ladder handy.  Wonder how much bamboo and rat guts “Spotty” eats for breakfast every day?

I didn’t have to tell you!  SkyMall has it!

 

5.  ELECTRONIC RACKET ZAPPERS SET

Killing insects has never been so much fun!  Zap!

SkyMallTo hell with reincarnation.  Just pretend you’re swinging at a tennis ball. You can keep score with every fly you swat and spider your squash.

Zap! Zap! Zap! Zam!

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102870451&c=10430

I want to thank SkyMall for the bounty of creative and entertaining products! It’s a gift of that keeps giving.

Photo credits: SkyMall catalog.

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

Humor Books by Women

16 Nov

Looking for a fun read?  Of course you are!

A humor book makes a meaningful, high value, yet affordable gift. Experience the joy that comes from sharing laughter.

These 10 titles are available as quality paperbacks and ebooks on Amazon.

The authors are all funny, sharp women.  Check them out…

The CHICK-tionary From A-Line to Z-Snap, the Words Every Woman Should Know  by Anna Lefler

Hilarious. Includes 450+ words no woman can live without! Destined to be a comedy classic.

Got Milf? The Modern Mom’s Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great, and Rocking a Minivan by Sarah Maizes

Funny and affirmative.   “Celebrates where the modern woman has taken motherhood.”  A mom can so be hot!

How Not to Act Old 185 Ways to Pass for Phat, Sick, Hot, Dope, Awesome, or at Least Not Totally Lame by Pamela Redmond Satran

Brilliant, laugh-out-loud funny, and highly informative. A must read!

I REMEMBER NOTHING And Other Reflections by Nora Ephron

A delightful, insightful look at the past, present, and future by the charming and witty Renaissance woman Nora Ephron.

I FEEL BAD ABOUT MY NECK And Other Thoughts On Being A Woman   by Nora Ephron

Hysterical. The chapter “Parenting In Three Stages” is gold.

I STILL HAVE ITI Just Can’t Remember Where I Put It

Confessions of a Fiftysomething by Rita Rudner

“Near-sighted insights” about aging from the very likable, extremely amusing comedian, actress, screenwriter, and author.

Rebel Without A Minivan Observations on Life in the ‘burbs

by Tracy Beckerman

Highly entertaining collection of essays by the author of the popular syndicated humor column, LOST IN SUBURBIA® and grand prize winner of The Balancing Act’s “America’s Top Blogger.”

Sitting On Cold Porcelain by Rose A. Valenta

Amusing, perceptive collection of satirical essays about current events and politics by top syndicated columnist and humorist.

Confessions of A Semi-Natural Woman Mostly True Tales of a Woman under the Influence of Laughter by Leigh Anne Jasheway

Funny stuff from award-winning humor writer, motivational speaker, and stand-up comedienne. She has an M.P.H. – “master of public health/mistress of public humor!”

The Women’s Daily Irony Supplement by Judy Gruen

Classic collection of comedic essays on family and foibles that succeeds beautifully at being both sophisticated and relatable.

ENJOY!    What are your favorite humor books?

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Barb Best and Barb’s Blast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
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Halloween GPS

25 Oct

BOO!

Down boy!

So, what are you going to be for Halloween?

And what does that say about where you “are” in your life?

At various times in my life, I have been a pumpkin, a circus clown, a gypsy, a ghost, a court jester, a brain surgeon, Cat Woman, Dorothy Parker, a sexy ventriloquist, an ultra sexy Martian, Edith Piaf, a nun with a fly swatter, Charlie Chaplin, an urban cowgirl, and nothing.

Nothing is NO fun!

I will leave it up to your imaginations as to which developmental phases I was bumbling through at the various times when those particular costumes were selected. Where was I?

Halloween used to be almost exclusively for children, but today the “dress-up party” is increasingly popular with adults. There is nothing more annoying than a middle-aged man in a diaper, holding a rattle, begging every woman in the room to breast feed him.

The Kid

However, costume parties are an irresistible opportunity for us to connect with our inner playful children, expose our flamboyant tendencies, and possibly reveal that latent cross dressing compulsion. Halloween can be a great opportunity to embrace your inherent theatricality and perhaps even flirt with notions of reinvention.

BarbBest

What fun - a nun at a party

This year I am going to be… a pet psychologist specializing in early puppy development. Sounds like therapy fun.

So, what are YOU going TO BE for Halloween? I’d love to know!

Popular Halloween Costumes 2011 – Time Magazine

Copyright 2011

11 Funny Money Tips

14 Sep
BARB BEST

Love ya Ben!

The economy sucks big time. We must cut corners. We must stuff our piggy banks ’til they burst at the seams. We must pinch pennies ’til they scream to be tossed into the nearest fountain.

Here are 11 Money Saving TIPS… you may not have seen elsewhere!

  • Recycle dental floss. This requires some imagination (and admittedly it is fairly gross) but if you’re conscientious about oral hygiene (and I hope you are) – you’ll rake in the bucks.
  • The kitchen whisk doubles nicely as a head massager. Self-pleasure is the name of the game here. The moola saved on masseuse fees and the hours spent begging your spouse for a freebie is saved. Voila!
  • Who needs “Meatless Mondays?” Why not “Meatless Months” and “Supper-free Seasons” for bona fide fiscal impact?
  • Join the legions of lazies who subscribe religiously to “Waffle Week.” Frozen waffles make a dandy meal for the entire family. And they are only $3.59 a box. ($3.49 if you have a lousy coupon)
  • Let’s see how much they really love you! Shake down Gramps and Granny for some serious dental gold, old cigarette lighters, brass knuckles, and silver fountain pens. While you’re at it, filch the sterling tea service in the dining room they never use. Then beat a beeline – with your shiny stash – to the local pawnbroker or gold dealer for some quick cash.
  • The pet toy business is a $25 billion dollar industry. You need not spend big dollars to keep your pets feeling adored and entertained. A Goldfish cracker on kite string or used dental floss (see TIP #1) makes a nifty cat toy for Little Fluffy. (And she’ll thank you for the fresher breath)
  • Skippy loves to play, too. According to NSNC award winning humorist Dawn Weber, asphalt makes a fine (and free) dog chew toy. After dark, take the kids and head over to the nearby Interstate with your handy jack hammer. Drill, baby, drill. Bag yourself some choice chunks. Hours of pleasure for puppy.

Dawn Lighten Up

  • Instead of a fancy schmancy birthday cake for those extra special family members, how about a vat of communal humus and day old cupcakes? Yum.
  • I realize this is a touchy subject with some of you. However, please consider diluting your daily bottles of “Mom Wine.” This will make it stretch a little longer, thus saving you a load of loot (and perhaps a few brain cells, too).
BarbBest

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

  • Home energy costs got you down? Turn the heater “OFF.” For warmth, scrounge up your old, sad holiday candles and fire away. Tell your children you’re conducting a home school study unit on Colonial America. Wow, how our spunky settlers dealt with their harsh, bitter cold winters!
  • Vacations are so passe. “Staycations” are the thing now. What an excellent opportunity to camp out on your sofa, binge on Costco snacks, and catch up on juicy episodes of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” and “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Watching those crazy broads roll in the dough is, at least, a vicarious kick.

FACTOID: The “staycation” was invented by Donna Reed in the classic film “It’s A Wonderful Life.” No money for that honeymoon in Hawaii? So what, we got chickens on the spit!” Right in our living room! Hooray!

Birthday Babes

7 Sep

Barb's Blast Humor Blog

Has “the sweet bird of youth” flown the coop and left you humming the blues?

Birthdays (especially milestone birthdays – you know who you are) tend to inspire heartfelt contemplation and soul-searching reflection – in spite of our vigorous attempts to resist such angst-inducing review.

It is indeed more pleasant to fill ourselves silly with a delectable excess of red velvet cake and cheap champagne ’til our senses are lulled into the lovely La-La Land of Ennui than to stare mortality squarely in the ugly mug.

My recent birthday musings were conveniently not focused upon me.  Nonetheless, they include these insightful gems (cough): 

I'm an old man!

… and he doesn’t look a day over 5 months old (in stuffed elephant years, that is).

  • Barbie has a Facebook Page with over 2,500,000 friends. Why don’t I?   Boo Damn Hoo.  Life is NOT fair!

Photo Credit: CarrieBee

  • How old is Barbie anyway?  I sure can’t tell… she’s obviously had tons of “work” done.  She was born in 1959 – you do the math.
  • “Malibu Barbie” only admits to being 18 years old, but we know better, don’t we? What a marvel she is – years spent lounging on the beach in a zebra bikini and no apparent sun damage. How does she do it?
  • Why isn’t there a Beverly Hills Barbie (aka Botox Barbie)?  Just imagine the designer clothes, accessories, and jewelry.

Damn that Barbie, she has all the fun! http://barbiestyle.barbie.com/history.aspx

 

  • Wonder Woman   How old is she?  She still has the perkiest darn breasts! She must work out every day.  It helps to have a wardrobe that consists exclusively of Spanx Power Panties, lycra corsets, and Wonder Bras.

Cool wardrobe, WW

 

  • Betty Boop  Born in 1930, animated Betty has always been in super shape. Look at those gams. Must be the dancing.

Kick up your heels, honey!

 

  • My personal favorite.  Mrs. Potato Head got a makeover in 2011 — now she is 25 pounds slimmer.  Potatoes must be good role models.

The new me!

 

I’ll leave you with these wise words: “Remember my birthday, forget my age!”

Photo Credits: Wonder Woman FAO Schwarz: Limited Edition Wonder Woman Deluxe Trunk Set · FAO Schwarz: thisnext.com; Madeline:drtoy.com; Mrs. Potato Head:glamour.com;Betty Boop:allposters.com

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