I have a bucket list, but I also have a F*#!-it” List.
25 THINGS I DON’T WANNA DO BEFORE I CROAK!
1) Have my hard drive crash, thus losing decades of cherished family photo albums and irreplaceable funny cat videos.
2) A lumbar puncture. There does not exist a potent enough painkiller in the cosmos to make this procedure tolerable, let alone pleasurable.
3) A fiscal colonoscopy by Wall Street or the I.R.S.
4) A taste tour of Malaysian food stalls and rat-infested street bazaars with Andrew Zimmern, the oafish host of The Travel Channel‘s “Bizarre Foods.” Call me unadventurous, but I got zero hankerings for his brand of “gourmet” food – goat gonads tartare, fried scorpion nuts and snake snot on-a-stick. Yuck… it, dude!
Photo Credit: The Travel Channel
5) Wear “Pugnacious Purple” incessantly. This color looks great on The California Raisins, but not on me!
Photo Credit: kisbyto.blogspot.com
The tiniest blemishes and flaws – especially those on your face, neck and ankles due to errant veins and capillaries – will POP like fireworks in the blackest night. Do you really want to stick out like a sore Barney the Dino?
I Love You!
6) Sleep with Mick Jagger. Such an ill-advised tryst would result in a case of multiple whip lash caused by his colossal… wrinkles.
7) Sit through one more vulgar, moronic male buddy comedy. You know who you are – Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler.
8 ) Clean out that weird mess imbedded in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator.
9) Lose that elusive five (okay, fifteen) pounds.
10) Enjoy sit-ups and belly fat crunches. I don’t want to feel the burn – I don’t even want to feel the lukewarm. (Luke Wilson, maybe..)
11) Swim from Cuba to the Florida Keys. (Good try, Diana Nyad)
Photo Credit: Best of Florida Keys
12) Master the Macarena.
13) Learn Mandarin.
14) Rub elbows and knees with Brad and Angelina.
15) Wear a sleep bra.
16) Read a history of sock puppets.
17) Get excited about the latest celebrity hairstyles (exception – Lady Gaga)
18) Savor the subtle hint of hot sauce in Al Roker’s Artichoke Dip.
19) Cuddle an armadillo.
Photo Credit: Jerry Segraves
20) Be stalked by TMZ – especially if I’m sans make-up.
21) Embrace rap music and hip-hop. “Yo, ho bitch.”
22) Pretend I’m remotely interested in the NFL picks, lingerie football or ice hockey brawls.
23) Watch another cutesy car insurance commercial.
24) Boo hoo over spilled soy milk.
25) Regret missed planes, bad luck, false friends and lost loves.
EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW! WHAT’S ON YOUR F*#!-it LIST?
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