Tag Archives: Lady Gaga

25 Things I DON’T Wanna Do Before I Croak!

10 Aug

I have a bucket list, but I also have a F*#!-it” List.


1)  Have my hard drive crash, thus losing decades of cherished family photo albums and irreplaceable funny cat videos.

2) A lumbar puncture. There does not exist a potent enough painkiller in the cosmos to make this procedure tolerable, let alone pleasurable.

3) A fiscal colonoscopy by Wall Street or the I.R.S.

4)  A taste tour of Malaysian food stalls and rat-infested street bazaars with Andrew Zimmern, the oafish host of The Travel Channel‘s “Bizarre Foods.”  Call me unadventurous, but I got zero hankerings for his brand of “gourmet” food – goat gonads tartare, fried scorpion nuts and snake snot on-a-stick.  Yuck… it, dude!


Photo Credit: The Travel Channel


5)  Wear “Pugnacious Purple” incessantly. This color looks great on The California Raisins, but not on me!

Photo Credit: kisbyto.blogspot.com


The tiniest blemishes and flaws – especially those on your face, neck and ankles due to errant veins and capillaries – will POP like fireworks in the blackest night. Do you really want to stick out like a sore Barney the Dino?

I Love You!


6)  Sleep with Mick Jagger.  Such an ill-advised tryst would result in a case of multiple whip lash caused by his colossal… wrinkles.



7)  Sit through one more vulgar, moronic male buddy comedy. You know who you are – Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler.

8 ) Clean out that weird mess imbedded in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator.

9)  Lose that elusive five (okay, fifteen) pounds.

10) Enjoy sit-ups and belly fat crunches. I don’t want to feel the burn – I don’t even want to feel the lukewarm.  (Luke Wilson, maybe..)

11) Swim from Cuba to the Florida Keys.  (Good try, Diana Nyad)


Photo Credit: Best of Florida Keys


12)  Master the Macarena.

13)  Learn Mandarin.

14)  Rub elbows and knees with Brad and Angelina.

15)  Wear a sleep bra.

16)  Read a history of sock puppets.

17)  Get excited about the latest celebrity hairstyles (exception – Lady Gaga)

18)  Savor the subtle hint of hot sauce in Al Roker’s Artichoke Dip.

19)  Cuddle an armadillo.

Photo Credit: Jerry Segraves


20) Be stalked by TMZ – especially if I’m sans make-up.

21) Embrace rap music and hip-hop. “Yo, ho bitch.”

22) Pretend I’m remotely interested in the NFL picks, lingerie football or ice hockey brawls.

23) Watch another cutesy car insurance commercial.

24) Boo hoo over spilled soy milk.

25) Regret missed planes, bad luck, false friends and lost loves.




Born This Way Baby!

12 Jul

“16 Pound Baby Born In Texas.”

“You were born this way baby!”

But 16 pounds?  Now, that’s hard labor.

Don’t you just love a song parody?  This is a huge hit by Weird Al Yankovic.

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Mother’s Day “Cell” Story

4 May

The voice at the end of my cell phone says:

“Happy F-#@!-ing Mother’s Day To You!”   WHAT ????

Barb's Blast

How dare you!

Let me explain!   At the break of dawn on Mother’s Day last year…

(Isn’t Sunday morning still sacred for church, sleep, wild sex or Grandma’s Gingerbread Pancakes?)

My not so smart phone BLARES…

to the jarring, heart skipping gyrations of Lady Gaga (admittedly my dubious choice),

wikimedia commons

Wake Up, sleepyhead!

Eager (okay, desperate) to have a loving Mother’s Day greeting from my sweet daughter at college (who is in a time zone three hours ahead and is hopefully coming out of her nightly coma around this time)

or one of my many lovely nieces (whose birthdays and special days I never forget)

or Federal Express informing me that an extravagant gourmet food & vintage wine basket delivery is speedily on its way to my doorstep,

I gladly jump the phone.

BUT instead of heartfelt greetings rewarding a lifetime of devotion, service and sacrifice,

(Violins, please!)  

I hear a pregnant (PUN ALERT) pause and a chilling automated male voice:

“This is the L.A. County Jail Tele-system.

A prisoner inside the L.A. County Prison System is calling you.

To accept this call, press one…”

ARRRGGH!  I shut the phone off, fling it across the room (sorry pooch) then bathe it in a bucket of Purell hand sanitizer.  YUCK!

BLASPHEMY!  SACRILEGE!  It’s Mother’s Day for heaven’s sake!

Mother’s Day is a sacred day reserved for daisy bouquets and family brunches and soothing back rubs and sticky kisses – NOT creepy, crazy obscene phone calls from serial killers and sociopaths in solitary confinement.

Whew!  Close call!


Happy Mother's Day

As my mother would say (and hers and hers and hers…)

“What is the world coming to?”

I know the answer: It’s coming to our cell phones!

Listen to your mother!

The Art of Helping – Japan

25 Mar

My 30 second appeal… origami-style!

“Songs for Japan” available at iTunes:



19 Mar

Help Tsunami Relief

Lady Gaga on Twitter:
@ladygaga Lady Gaga
I Designed a Japan Prayer Bracelet. Buy It/Donate here and ALL proceeds will go to Tsunami Relief Efforts. Go Monsters: http://bit.ly/f0aYwZ

Donate to Tsunami Relief

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