Tag Archives: Shopping

Win Win Shopping

23 May
Touchstone Pictures, Jerry Bruckheimer Films

Touchstone Pictures, Jerry Bruckheimer Films

Great news for those of us who love to shop!

Regular retail therapy seems to help people live longer, suggests research published online in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

Born to shop?

Now you can shop ’til you don’t drop dead.

According to Amanda Gardner in HealthDay Reporter,

“A shopping trip-a-day may help keep the doctor away, not to mention the Grim Reaper….”

Shopping involves walking, social interaction,  a sense of involvement in the community, companionship, handling money, decision making. These are activities generally beneficial to one’s physical and cognitive well-being.

If shopping is good for older folks, hey, why leave shoplifting to troubled young actresses like Lindsay Lohan and Winona Ryder?  Sounds like all that danger and drama might be highly stimulating for Granny, too.

In the study, “The once-a-day shoppers were 27 percent less likely to die than the shop-a-phobics…”

Shop-a-phobia?  Now there’s a pitiful mental impairment that needs a telethon.

Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health

Article by Amanda Gardner, HealthDay News

‘Retail therapy’ might really work

Mother’s Day “Cell” Story

4 May

The voice at the end of my cell phone says:

“Happy F-#@!-ing Mother’s Day To You!”   WHAT ????

Barb's Blast

How dare you!

Let me explain!   At the break of dawn on Mother’s Day last year…

(Isn’t Sunday morning still sacred for church, sleep, wild sex or Grandma’s Gingerbread Pancakes?)

My not so smart phone BLARES…

to the jarring, heart skipping gyrations of Lady Gaga (admittedly my dubious choice),

wikimedia commons

Wake Up, sleepyhead!

Eager (okay, desperate) to have a loving Mother’s Day greeting from my sweet daughter at college (who is in a time zone three hours ahead and is hopefully coming out of her nightly coma around this time)

or one of my many lovely nieces (whose birthdays and special days I never forget)

or Federal Express informing me that an extravagant gourmet food & vintage wine basket delivery is speedily on its way to my doorstep,

I gladly jump the phone.

BUT instead of heartfelt greetings rewarding a lifetime of devotion, service and sacrifice,

(Violins, please!)  

I hear a pregnant (PUN ALERT) pause and a chilling automated male voice:

“This is the L.A. County Jail Tele-system.

A prisoner inside the L.A. County Prison System is calling you.

To accept this call, press one…”

ARRRGGH!  I shut the phone off, fling it across the room (sorry pooch) then bathe it in a bucket of Purell hand sanitizer.  YUCK!

BLASPHEMY!  SACRILEGE!  It’s Mother’s Day for heaven’s sake!

Mother’s Day is a sacred day reserved for daisy bouquets and family brunches and soothing back rubs and sticky kisses – NOT creepy, crazy obscene phone calls from serial killers and sociopaths in solitary confinement.

Whew!  Close call!


Happy Mother's Day

As my mother would say (and hers and hers and hers…)

“What is the world coming to?”

I know the answer: It’s coming to our cell phones!

Listen to your mother!

Holiday Gifts I DON’T Want!

9 Dec

Buy at: dachshundsdressedforshow.com

NO “Dog Snuggie” or hip clothing for the pooch

Animals that chase their tails, lick their private parts incessantly in public and sniff strangers’ crotches willy-nilly should not be making fashion statements.

Sorry Ms. Hilton, but I’ve yet to see a Chihuahua look stylish in a leopard print.  Get over it – a Bassett Hound will never be a fashionista!


NO to a pet goat!

Yes,  I understand that according to World Vision, “Goats provide milk, yogurt and cheese – and truly change lives.”

BUT if you give me a goat for Christmas, I swear on a stack of Farmer’s Almanacs, I’ll never speak to you again – not even on FB.

FYI: 7-11s provide milk, yogurt and cheese plus highly entertaining tabloids and nifty lottery tickets, too – and they won’t crap on your carpet, scare the poor cat silly or eat the TV remote.

Buy at: Cafepress.com

NOPE to the hokey jokey T-shirts

BTW “I’m with Stupid” is shockingly redundant for most of us.


NO self-published autobiographical tomes

Buy at ChronicleBooks.com

How do I make time to read your 5 trillion word (single-spaced) masterpiece?

I don’t have the time or inclination to skim the instructions to my cell phone – and my life depends upon that.

Reading about your madcap adventures with quirky Grandma at The Mall of America three summers ago just doesn’t scream “High Priority.”

Frankly, it suggests a deep sleep akin to a decade-long coma that one is unlikely to recover from – ever.

Buy at: Amazon.com

NO bizarre personal care items such as “armpit pruner” or “cordless ear wax cleaners” are remotely acceptable as holiday gifts.

“Powerful, yet gentle, suction” should not be used on the ear unless your I Pod headphones have embedded themselves in your ear canals and you literally “just can’t get that song outta your head.”

Credit: ModernPooch.com

NO to the Dog DNA Analysis Kit

($59.95 + $11.99 Shipping & Handling) Instructions read “Simply swab the insides of your dog’s cheeks” – Right!

My crazed Rottweiler-whatever pup will surely let me open his mouth and “swab” away without mutilating my hands and tearing my face off first!

Maybe I can “swab” while I’m brushing and flossing his teeth, he’s so mellow then.

NIX-NAYEnough with the re-gifted curly bow spa baskets!

Soap is soap and I say it’s boring! If you really care…

Come over and give me a Champagne bubble bath and a hot oil massage if you seriously want to gift me like I’m a VIP at The Breakers.

Credit: VanityFair.com


20 Sep

A certain modicum of professionalism and courtesy is expected of you as you appear for a job interview in these tough economic times…


Tips for Success

Therefore, please DON’T:

1. Chomp or blow bubble gum

2. Groove to your IPod – even though you’re bored silly

3. Text and/or take calls on your cell phone

4. Clutch your teddy bear

5. Scratch, pick, rub yourself – even though you are “self-soothing”


6. Mention that you’re addicted to Facebook and Twitter

7. Cry for your helicopter mommy

8. Brag about not wearing underwear

9. Smoke anything

10. Be two days late

Helpful Advice!

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