Food Fight

26 Jul
Barb's BlastYum!

 

I confess to playing around lately – with my food, that is.  I’ve been flirting flagrantly with a macrobiotic diet.

MACROBIOTIC.  Ahem. We all know that “macro” means “large” and “bios” refers to “life.”

But is eating macrobiotic foods actually “living large?”

 

Barb's Blast

Orzo!

 

The macrobiotic diet consists of WHOLE grains, RAW vegetables and UNADULTERATED fruits, legumes (whatever they are), and lots of FRESH green plant leaves.  ABSOLUTELY NO processed foods.  NO additives.  NO preservatives.  NO artificial colors. NO butter. NO sugar.

(STAB to my heart)  What, NO sugar?

 

Barb's Blast Humor Blog

NO kidding!  NO double chocolate fudge cream frosting from the can.  NO Swedish fish. We’re talking RAW stuff like crab grass and dandelions – NOT like uncooked cookie dough.  NO means NO, baby!

Only ALL natural virginal foods. Pure, HEALTHY eats.

Will work for food, but Jeez this is hard labor.

I wonder, is this “Food for the Gods” actually good for the soul? What if it merely makes you critically PMS cranky? And chronically pining for comfort food?

 

Photo Credit: Fizzies.com

 

For someone weaned on Twinkies, Spaghetti-O’s, Dots, and Root Beer Fizzies (don’t you just love ’em?) – “macro” is indeed an adjustment to “healthy” food.

SUGAR.  Can’t live with it. Can’t live without it.  I love it brown. I love it white. I love it in cubes. In a bowl. On a stick. In a wet paper packet. I love it as a liquid, gas, and solid. Maple sugar candy is like crack cocaine to this sweet toothed junkie. My hyperactive pancreas craves it.

 

BULGAR WHEAT and GREEN LENTILS. Yum. Really tasty if you enjoy bowls of sticks and stones. Four out of five goats prefer rusty tin cans.

 

Mmmm!

 

WHEAT GRASS.  Really, now – should grass be a liquid? And be served in a methadone maintenance cup? Yes, some brave souls down it like vodka shots,   but I hear Astroturf is tastier (ask any goat).

Need I remind you what happens to your poor dog when he’s foolhardy enough to eat grass in the back yard?  Not a pretty sight.

SPELT.  Never heard of “spelt?” You are not alone. (but you will be… when that dynamite kicks in and you’re frantic for a restroom) People who eat spelt regularly (Ha, Ha. Excuse the pun) are, no doubt, svelte as a cheese cutting board. The phrase, “Whoever spelt it, dealt it” will unfortunately come to mind.

 

Barb's Blast

SEAWEED.  Available in many unappetizing colors (many a shade of gray) such as inkjet black and funky fuchsia, seaweed is the texture of shredded cellophane and resembles alien vomit.

Yippee! Seaweed with a wheat grass pickle relish and I can make my own bug spray.

Oy, Vegan. Perhaps “food for thought” is the best diet for me, after all.

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7 Responses to “Food Fight”

  1. Dawn July 27, 2011 at 11:13 am #

    Lol! “four out of five goats prefer rusty tin cans”. Awesome!

    • BARB BEST July 28, 2011 at 10:02 am #

      Thanks, Dawn. Goats crack me up, too.

    • Agata Stanford August 1, 2011 at 3:24 pm #

      You are too much, woman!
      I cringe when I hear what the healthy eating veggans are ingesting these days. I prefer anorexia.

      • BARB BEST August 1, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

        Ha, Agata! Oy Vegan, they’ll never know the joys of red velvet cake and New York strip steak.

  2. southmainmuse August 1, 2011 at 12:08 pm #

    Good grief. I’m jealous of chutzpah. I need to turn my eating around but everytime I try something I loss interest. But I’ve reached the age that running an extra mile does not cut it. Hope you this works for you. Will be interested to hear.

    • BARB BEST August 1, 2011 at 2:26 pm #

      Will keep you posted! Been slipping a bit – like you, I love the coffee and caffeine.

  3. southmainmuse August 1, 2011 at 12:11 pm #

    oops. I’m jealous of your chutzpah. I lose interest in changing my eating habits. And I’m going to go make myself a cup of coffee to wake up. Caffeine’s probably not on your diet. That’s why these things never last for me.

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