Eye Q

26 Apr

Barbs Blast

Have you noticed… when you go to the eye doctor, your I.Q. drops precipitously like Lucy’s in the presence of a celebrity on “I Love Lucy” or Kirstie Alley doing a pirouette on DWTS?

After the 50 minute wait and the mandatory FBI check on your health insurance and credit history…

You are seated in a serious chair (eerily similar to the one in the movie “Marathon Man“) and a never-ending series of drops (curiously resembling the dyes used to color Easter eggs) are plopped into your eyes.

Interestingly, some people become oddly flustered and challenged by performance anxiety when instructed to read the eye chart (perhaps because they are anticipating how much fun it will be to drive home after the appointment when unable to differentiate between a parked school bus and a traffic cone).


Please tell me, what happens to the I.Q. when the ophthalmologist tries out different strength lenses in the bizarre binocular contraption we look through?

DR: “Which one is clearer – 1 or 2?

ME: (total guess)  2?

DR:  2 or 3?

ME: (hell, I have no idea)  3?

DR:  3 or 4?

ME:  (clueless)  1?

DR: (sighing) 1 isn’t a choice. Try to pay attention. 3 or 4?

ME: (faking it) 4.

DR:  4 or 5?  5 or 4?

ME: (thinking)

DR: (rapidly)  4 or 5? 5 or 4? 4 or 3?  4 or 1?

ME:  Oy… 4?  Maybe 1?

DR:  (faster than the speed of light) 1 or 2?  4 or 1?   2 or 4?  a or b?

POOR ME:  WHAT? Letters? I thought you were doing numbers! STOP confusing me!”

wikimedia commons

It gets worse. Time to test peripheral vision. Something happens to the brain when you cover one eye…

DR: Look “Up”

HAPLESS: (pause)  Up. Got that.

DR: “Down”

HAPLESS:  (in slow motion) Hmm. Okay. Down.

DR: “Right”

HAPLESS: Thank you.

DR:  Look “right.”

HAPLESS: (looking left) Oh.

DR:  Look “right”

HAPLESS: Oops. Heck, I know that.

DR:  “Left”

HAPLESS: (Long pause, nervous giggle)

DR: (strained) Look “left”

The Doctor mutters something about ulcers and retirement.

What happens?  Check future scientific journals. There will be a study done. Your tax dollars at work.🙂

Photo credits: Wikimedia Commons, Barb Best.

10 Responses to “Eye Q”

  1. Dawn@LightenUp! April 26, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    3…no 1…. no A….no…C….ahhh! Ha Barb, funny stuff. And I am sure there will be stidies, no doubt! Haha!

    • BARB BEST April 26, 2011 at 9:46 pm #

      Hey Dawn, maybe all the lenses are actually the same… Will have to run that conspiracy by Charlie Sheen!
      Readers will enjoy following you on Twitter @dawnlightenup

  2. Barbara April 27, 2011 at 10:28 am #

    You are so right, Barb:) I actually think the eye doctor is worse than the dentist. At least at the dentist when he asks you questions, he’s not really expecting coherent answers. The eye doctor, on the other hand, is playing mind games with you. I’m pretty sure half of those lenses are exactly the same.

  3. NotesFrom2Half April 28, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

    I get so nervous at the eye doctor. I didn’t even wear glasses most of my life, then just readers. It was only a year ago I got some fairly mild glasses/readers (progressive lenses which I totally recommend)and yet every time I feel panicked. I want to scream I DON’T KNOW! I mean seriously some of them look exactly the same. What if I goof up and they label me legally blind or something? And then I am saying but I can see, I can see and they point to the results, tests don’t lie ma’am. Same thing at the Driver’s License office. This year I have to go in, I can see fine, I have glasses IF I need them which eye doc says I am fine to drive without them. My heart races in anticipation of the event. What if they say I am too stupid to drive because I guessed wrong on the eye test? You have totally touched on one of my phobias.

    • BARB BEST April 30, 2011 at 11:23 am #

      Interesting… perhaps you should study for your next eye exam?

      • lucypuppyprincess April 30, 2011 at 1:23 pm #

        I guess not everyone gets my sense of humor. LOL

      • BARB BEST May 3, 2011 at 10:31 am #

        Fun blog Lucy (woof, woof), can’t wait for your book!

  4. lucypuppyprincess May 3, 2011 at 9:34 pm #

    Thanks for complimenting my blog! I am so upset though, my incredibly witty and pawrific first post didn’t make it on here! No wonder no one thought I was funny!
    grrrrrr on the post not posting! My paw must have hit the wrong key.
    I was laughing at my Mommy, NotesFrom2Half.
    I told my Mommy what you did, maybe she should STUDY for the eye test!

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