Holiday Gifts I DON’T Want!

9 Dec

Buy at: dachshundsdressedforshow.com

NO “Dog Snuggie” or hip clothing for the pooch

Animals that chase their tails, lick their private parts incessantly in public and sniff strangers’ crotches willy-nilly should not be making fashion statements.

Sorry Ms. Hilton, but I’ve yet to see a Chihuahua look stylish in a leopard print.  Get over it – a Bassett Hound will never be a fashionista!

Credit:petplanet.co.uk

NO to a pet goat!

Yes,  I understand that according to World Vision, “Goats provide milk, yogurt and cheese – and truly change lives.”

BUT if you give me a goat for Christmas, I swear on a stack of Farmer’s Almanacs, I’ll never speak to you again – not even on FB.

FYI: 7-11s provide milk, yogurt and cheese plus highly entertaining tabloids and nifty lottery tickets, too – and they won’t crap on your carpet, scare the poor cat silly or eat the TV remote.


Buy at: Cafepress.com

NOPE to the hokey jokey T-shirts

BTW “I’m with Stupid” is shockingly redundant for most of us.

Duh!

NO self-published autobiographical tomes

Buy at ChronicleBooks.com

How do I make time to read your 5 trillion word (single-spaced) masterpiece?

I don’t have the time or inclination to skim the instructions to my cell phone – and my life depends upon that.

Reading about your madcap adventures with quirky Grandma at The Mall of America three summers ago just doesn’t scream “High Priority.”

Frankly, it suggests a deep sleep akin to a decade-long coma that one is unlikely to recover from – ever.

Buy at: Amazon.com

NO bizarre personal care items such as “armpit pruner” or “cordless ear wax cleaners” are remotely acceptable as holiday gifts.

“Powerful, yet gentle, suction” should not be used on the ear unless your I Pod headphones have embedded themselves in your ear canals and you literally “just can’t get that song outta your head.”

Credit: ModernPooch.com

NO to the Dog DNA Analysis Kit

($59.95 + $11.99 Shipping & Handling) Instructions read “Simply swab the insides of your dog’s cheeks” – Right!

My crazed Rottweiler-whatever pup will surely let me open his mouth and “swab” away without mutilating my hands and tearing my face off first!

Maybe I can “swab” while I’m brushing and flossing his teeth, he’s so mellow then.

NIX-NAYEnough with the re-gifted curly bow spa baskets!

Soap is soap and I say it’s boring! If you really care…

Come over and give me a Champagne bubble bath and a hot oil massage if you seriously want to gift me like I’m a VIP at The Breakers.

Credit: VanityFair.com

2 Responses to “Holiday Gifts I DON’T Want!”

  1. Heidi December 10, 2010 at 12:35 pm #

    That is hilarious! I’d be afraid to post my list–my mother in law has given me 5 (yes 5) “H” pins. NO more H pins. Thanks for the funny read!

    • BARB BEST December 16, 2010 at 10:07 am #

      Heidi ho, ho, ho! That’s precious. Mother-in-laws are generous in so many interesting ways…

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