Diets for Dudes

27 Sep

Hey dudes!  Why should we chicks have all the fun with food?

Pink is not just for girls!

As you guys wolf down double cheeseburgers and gloriously greasy, heavenly salt drenched French fries, we women obsess over calorie and carb counts – daily depriving ourselves of everything remotely fattening. Why should we be the only ones to starve our bodies and souls on onerous fad diets?

There’s an obesity epidemic and – guess what – it is most definitely your fault! We women are obviously fighting the good fight.

Gee, dieting is such fun!

Don’t slide down that slippery slope on your corpulent love handles and middle-age belly fat to chronic diabetes, lower back pain, prostate pee problems and – oh my Viagra! – sexual dysfunction.

Because I care deeply, I have designed the following diets especially for you:

*** DIETS FOR DUDES ***

The Dine with your Dog Diet

What the woof are table manners?

Eat all of your meals on the virus-ridden linoleum kitchen floor with your lovable, sloppy four-legged buddy.  This will hopefully curb your appetite – so what if you develop a few antisocial habits?

The Tic-Tac Diet

Yes, Virgil, tic-tacs are a food group. Waddle over to your local 7-11 and grab a fistful of these zesty little flavor fests.  Great when chased down with Red Bull.

The Bronx Cheer Diet

Say Cheese!

Forget South Beach, Forget Beverly Hills, and definitely forget Scarsdale.  The Bronx is where it’s at when it comes to trendy cuisine of the truly beautiful.

The Salmonella Doughnut Diet

Dunkin’ Doughnuts, Krispy Crème, Hostess, pick your poison.  Look cool hanging out at salmonella tainted doughnut shops with slacker cops and methadone addicts.

Get the sugar high of your life as you scarf down tons of powdered sugar, lumpy jam fillings and polyurethane chocolate frosting– plus all the cheap Joe you can swill. Even your porcine appetite will dwindle.

Sugar, Sugar!

The Zoned-Out Diet

Space out on every video game you can steal from your fanatic computer geek cousin. The resulting neurological damage and relentless muscle spasms will hinder your ability to shovel tons of junk food down your gullet.

The Colon Hydrotherapy Diet

Need we say more? “Don’t make me get the hose!”

The Smut Diet

Not to be crass, but your right hand will constantly be “indisposed” therefore you will likely cut down your food intake by 50-65%.

The Rugged Man Fiber Diet

Eat crushed pineapple for every meal, chase it down with a quart of papaya juice. Yum, top it off with shredded coconut. You’ll have the runs so much you’ll think you’re training for a triathlon in an undeveloped country. So what if the pounds lost are in precious body fluids?

I love sit-ups!

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7 Responses to “Diets for Dudes”

  1. molly campbell September 28, 2010 at 5:53 pm #

    I love this. I would choose the “Eat With Your Dog” diet. My husband makes me sick: in order to lose five pounds, he stops having COFFEEMATE in his coffee daily. I have to give up anything that tastes remotely like food. xo molly

    • BARB BEST October 1, 2010 at 10:26 pm #

      Hey Molly, got ya new web site linked now! thanks for the comment, Barb

  2. Marcia Fine September 29, 2010 at 4:06 pm #

    Barb–You’re a riot! Love your sense of humor! Hope all is going well.
    Marcia
    jeanrubinblog.com

    • BARB BEST October 1, 2010 at 10:30 pm #

      Hey there Marcia, great to hear from you, thanks for the good cheer. on page one of Barbs Blast, I have linked you and “Stressed in Scottsdale” under “More Funny Stuff!” Barb

  3. kathleennorton1 September 30, 2010 at 8:48 pm #

    This is funny! I wrote about the fallout when my guy went off the Man Diet, started counting calories and wanted to be my shopping friend! Check it out.

    http://kathleennorton1.wordpress.com/2010/04/10/farewell-man-diet-hello-girlfriend/

    • BARB BEST October 7, 2010 at 4:10 pm #

      Hi Kathleen, thanks for the comment, just “discovered” your blog, subscribed. Love the Elmo piece.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tweets that mention Diets for Dudes « Barbs Blast -- Topsy.com - October 4, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Samantha Hoffman, Barb Best. Barb Best said: Barbs Blast @EBWW – Guys and food! Diets for Dudes: http://t.co/YAUZRM3 […]

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