Vote for Comedy

10 Jan

2012 – Leap year and election year.  Who needs Dixville Notch? We got Reese.

Comedy

You go, girl!

 

Reese Witherspoon gets my vote for one of the funniest movies ever  – Election.

 

Comedy

Directed by Alexander Payne. Based on the novel by Tom Perrotta. Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor. 1999. Paramount.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ELECTION MOVIE?

My New Year RIDS-olutions!

2 Jan

Good luck, honey!

  1. I will downsize. This will involve donating 25 years + of crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk) that I no longer use and not getting new crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk). Clutter (see “crap”) is not only “stuck energy” – it is a real hassle to dust.
  2. I will rid myself of the tendency to complain, whine, and kvetch. Gee, this is so hard to do… Whaa! Whaa! Whaa! OMG, what will I write about? Whaaaa!
  3. No matter how compelling the separation issues may be, the laptop and cell phone will not be taken into the bathroom. Too many close calls (get it? calls?)
  4. I will try not to stoop to the level of cheap puns and scatological humor (unless, of course, it amuses me and tickles the dog).
  5. I will stop harboring the desire to eat an entire double-decker box of dark chocolate covered cherries in one sitting unless I’m given a month to live or have really bad PMS, then all bets are off.
  6. However captivating it is to my Twitter followers, I will not tweet inappropriately from (i.e. nice restaurants, children’s birthday parties, business meetings, dental appointments, bed, car accidents, funerals, etc.). Social propriety trumps the compulsion to provide non-stop yuks (often at the expense of loved ones) to total strangers.
  7. I will stop using the Lord’s name (and the Duggars) in vain. Amen.
  8. When dressed in exercise clothes, I will actually make a serious effort to go to the gym and exercise.
  9. I will stop considering french fries “vegetables” and strawberry licorice “fruit.”
  10. I will not pull on my cuticles and shred them like confetti, no matter how dry they are or how excruciatingly boring the meeting/conversation/TV show is.

Minus 12 Grams Fiber

New Year’s Heave

30 Dec

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Mark Twain

Barb'sBlastHumorBlog

Back Off Buster!

Take a deep breath (in and out)

Then indulge in an unreality break before the new year is upon us like mayo on rye.

Put your feet up,

Sit a spell,

Enjoy a cat video or two…

Life is short (time challenged)

You only have one while kitty has nine!

Happy New Year!

Barb Best Humor

I Believe I Can Fly!

Mum Cat Video 4 Million Views +

Hairy Christmas!

20 Dec

1-800-Pet-Meds

Has your dog “Snippy” had his photo taken with Santa yet?

Has he sat on Santa’s lap and communicated his heartfelt wants?

According to the L.A. Times, an Associated PressPetside.com poll shows 52% of pet owners plan to buy their animals a holiday gift — up from 43% last year.

Your cat “Snots” may insist she only wants world peace for Christmas, but I recommend you have a bag or two of her favorite 90 proof catnip snaps on hand just in case.

poundrescue.com

I’ll bet Snippy’s been a really good boy. (We’ll forget about the four sticks of margarine he ate off the kitchen counter yesterday afternoon. Guess his next big gift to you will come already wrapped… I can’t believe it’s not butter!)

Have you bought him a paw-shaped holiday stocking full of candy cane raw hides?

Or a cute, stuffed toy to sleep with and/or rip to pieces?

He may appreciate some fashionable apparel this season. Leopard tees and red turtlenecks are quite handsome – especially on the less dignified breeds.

Snippy will surely enjoy a spa treatment with honey shampoo, tingling chocolate mint conditioner, spray-on detangler and a much needed teeth whitening.

Ever floss a Rotweiller?  (I didn’t think so…)

Hey Fluffy, why not some Botox to go along with those precious pink bows?

A gift certificate for an acupuncture session is a thoughtful gift for the pooch who barks incessantly. You will enjoy it, too.

If puppy seems stressed all the time, why not enlist a therapy dog for him?

It’s the gift that keeps giving.

After all, aren’t ALL dogs therapy dogs?

Memo from the cat:
It’s a wonderful time to donate to local animal welfare organizations and/or adopt a pet!!!

* We wish you a hairy Christmas * We wish you a hairy Christmas *

MORE Holiday Gifts I DON’T Want!

14 Dec

Just wondering… do you know anyone who wants these gifts?

1. COZY PJ’s for 20-SOMETHINGS

 

Perfect for a rockin’ slumber party in their parents’ basement.

They are so cute with those footsies and tails… why, they look like toddlers.

Oh, wait, they kind of are like toddlers.

Oh, well.  Arrested development is so definitely under-rated.

I just want to pinch their cheeks!

You can find these hooded, footed jammies in SkyMall.

 

2.  MAGIC WAND REMOTE

For the man who has everything?  Voila!  Yes, another remote.SkyMallIt’s sheer magic.  Perfect for avid Harry Potter fans, too.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203672747&c=10200

 

3.  “CAT TOILET TRAINING SYSTEM”

“Potty Train Your Cat Faster Than Most People Can Potty Train Their Kids

SkyMall

Dogs are too dumb for this!


Hmm, let me think, is the cat smarter than my kids?

This is a pretty glamorous product. I bet it’s the same system used in the movie “Meet The Parents.” And there’s a video, too.

You guessed it. It’s available at SkyMall.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203198583&c=10723

 

4.  Giraffe

What do you get a two year old who already has a puppy or a kitten?

Yes, a giraffe!  “The perfect accessory in a nursery, this eye-catching giraffe is a great addition to any decor!”   Hope you have a ladder handy.  Wonder how much bamboo and rat guts “Spotty” eats for breakfast every day?

I didn’t have to tell you!  SkyMall has it!

 

5.  ELECTRONIC RACKET ZAPPERS SET

Killing insects has never been so much fun!  Zap!

SkyMallTo hell with reincarnation.  Just pretend you’re swinging at a tennis ball. You can keep score with every fly you swat and spider your squash.

Zap! Zap! Zap! Zam!

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102870451&c=10430

I want to thank SkyMall for the bounty of creative and entertaining products! It’s a gift of that keeps giving.

Photo credits: SkyMall catalog.

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

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Let There be Light

6 Dec
“Popular Science” doesn’t have to be an oxymoron.
Exciting, entertaining, and even sexy news emerges daily from the bright world of scientific innovation. For instance:
From The Washington Post – How to de-stress law school students before exams?  Puppies!
Equal time for cats (or cat scans) of course.

Courtesy of RSNA.org & NPR

Here’s a fish that must be low in calories. What is an x-ray fish, you may ask?  Why, here is a brief description: ehow.com

the x-ray fish

“Baby, baby, can’t you hear my heartbeat?”
“A new study shows that 3-month-old infants and their mothers can synchronize their heartbeats to mere milliseconds.”

ScienceShot: Human Hearts Beat Together  by Meghan Rosen  http://bit.ly/vbQLmX

Saved the best for last.  Here’s a HOT news flash:

I'll have what she's having!

>>  CLICK RIGHT HERE  <<

Enlightening article from Time Magazine:

OR HERE http://healthland.time.com/2011/12/01/first-3d-movie-of-orgasm-in-the-female-brain/?xid=newsletter-weekly

HERE’S A GOOD SPOT, TOO.

Photo credits: x-ray fish (forum.rpg.net) and puppy (wikimedia commons)

Enhanced by ZemantaFunny Or Die – Cats with hats http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/690d

Rhyme Time

1 Dec

Coming Soon!

 

WISDOM

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

We all grace as we grow older,

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Smile, smile and you’ll live longer,

 

Money can’t buy happiness

More isn’t more, it’s less.

Life is for the living

It’s better to be giving,

 

Keep your chin up high

You’ll feel better if you cry,

Love is grand and love is gay

Every dog will have his day,

And I was born just yesterday!

Barb Best

 

The master of light verse, Ogden Nash.

The Fly  
The Lord in His wisdom made the fly,
And then forgot to tell us why.  

- Ogden Nash


Judith Viorst is quite funny!

http://www.simonandschuster.com/multimedia?video=626073741001

 

Dorothy Parker of course.

AFTERNOON

When I am old, and comforted,
And done with this desire,
With Memory to share my bed
And Peace to share my fire,

I’ll comb my hair in scalloped bands
Beneath my laundered cap,
And watch my cool and fragile hands
Lie light upon my lap.

And I will have a sprigged gown
With lace to kiss my throat;
I’ll draw my curtain to the town,
And hum a purring note.

And I’ll forget the way of tears,
And rock, and stir my tea.
But oh, I wish those blessed years
Were further than they be!

– Dorothy Parker

Check out The Dorothy Parker Society for everything Dorothy Parker.

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What do you collect? Comment & Win!

22 Nov

My guest co-blogger this week is “Ditchthebun” from Sydney, Australia. Her blog is interesting and a lot of fun.  Thank you Ditchthebun!

BARB:   Everybody has a collection of some sort.Over the years, I’ve collected travel brochures, ceramic clowns, Mardi Gras comedy tragedy masks, Playbills, water globe souvenir pens, New Yorker Magazines, hot air balloon art prints, vintage postcards, and scented erasers.

Erasers!

I’ve known people who’ve collected china teacups, ceramic salt and pepper shakers, Lladro Porcelain figurines, Swarovski crystal, Rubik’s cubes, Barbie dolls, rock concert tee shirts, Netsukes, first edition books, playing cards, Beanie Babies, owl-dog-cat-bluebird chotchkes, toy elephants, swizzle sticks, refrigerator magnets, ex-husbands, and pet ashes.

Sloane Crosley described her cache of plastic ponies in the essay “The Pony Problem” in her hilarious New York Times Bestseller I Was Told There’d Be Cake published by Riverhead Books.

Ditchthebun collects ice-cube trays and molds. I find this fascinating, then again maybe I don’t bake or entertain enough.

DITCHTHEBUN:

Brains

We actually bought one for my cousin who is studying to be a doctor. It was basically a gag gift. Apparently he uses it all the time. His medical friends loved it so much, he asked me to get him more for them. Somehow I ended up with a spare.

“Oooh BrAiN fOoD!”

BARB: I hope that’s chocolate.

Chillbots Robots

Technically I think my fiancé bought these to give as a gift to a friend of his, but somehow they never got further than our house. I think he’s getting as bad as me now… he called me in the other night to show me a space invaders ice-cube tray.

Gin & Titonic

These were bought for use at one of my parents’ New Years Eve parties the year of the dreaded Y2K. The theme was World’s End and these ice cubes were in a punch bowl labelled “Going Down with the Ship.” I still have no idea what she put in that punch, but it tasted amazing and made my head all tingly 😀

BARB: I’d like to see Leonardo DiCaprio ice cubes. Use your imagination.

Hearts

Originally these heart trays were bought to make rocky road hearts for bon bonnier for our wedding, but a few last minute stresses have severely limited our time so we’ve gone with something far more simple.

BARB: Simple like Twinkies or Hostess cupcakes?

Guitars

These were for my brother’s birthday party. I still claim them as my own, but they are rarely home these days.  Every Easter I make them into chocolate molds and decorate the top for my brother.

Penguins

Honestly I don’t think there was a rhyme or reason behind getting these. I thought they were cute and the tray cost $2 so I thought why not?! Mostly use just for myself in a drink on a Friday afternoon after work 😀  (Or when someone has forgotten to fill the regular ice tray yet again and is desperate for ice – you know a macho man is desperate when he has chubby penguins floating in his scotch and coke).

BARB: Penguin ice cubes – perfect for a global housewarming party.

Baby Feet

This has been used several times for baby showers, baby naming days etc. I think technically it is supposed to be used for fondant, but I don’t really like fondant.  So I have taken to making milk, dark, white & marble chocolate feet. They are a huge hit.

What do YOU collect? We’d love to know! Let us know briefly under “Comments” and win a new copy of The Beverly Hills Organizer’s Home Organizing Bible: A Pro’s Answer to Your Organizing Prayers.

*Winner will be selected on December 1st, 2011. Good luck!

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

Photo Credit: hotshotproducts.org

Humor Books by Women

16 Nov

Looking for a fun read?  Of course you are!

A humor book makes a meaningful, high value, yet affordable gift. Experience the joy that comes from sharing laughter.

These 10 titles are available as quality paperbacks and ebooks on Amazon.

The authors are all funny, sharp women.  Check them out…

The CHICK-tionary From A-Line to Z-Snap, the Words Every Woman Should Know  by Anna Lefler

Hilarious. Includes 450+ words no woman can live without! Destined to be a comedy classic.

Got Milf? The Modern Mom’s Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great, and Rocking a Minivan by Sarah Maizes

Funny and affirmative.   “Celebrates where the modern woman has taken motherhood.”  A mom can so be hot!

How Not to Act Old 185 Ways to Pass for Phat, Sick, Hot, Dope, Awesome, or at Least Not Totally Lame by Pamela Redmond Satran

Brilliant, laugh-out-loud funny, and highly informative. A must read!

I REMEMBER NOTHING And Other Reflections by Nora Ephron

A delightful, insightful look at the past, present, and future by the charming and witty Renaissance woman Nora Ephron.

I FEEL BAD ABOUT MY NECK And Other Thoughts On Being A Woman   by Nora Ephron

Hysterical. The chapter “Parenting In Three Stages” is gold.

I STILL HAVE ITI Just Can’t Remember Where I Put It

Confessions of a Fiftysomething by Rita Rudner

“Near-sighted insights” about aging from the very likable, extremely amusing comedian, actress, screenwriter, and author.

Rebel Without A Minivan Observations on Life in the ‘burbs

by Tracy Beckerman

Highly entertaining collection of essays by the author of the popular syndicated humor column, LOST IN SUBURBIA® and grand prize winner of The Balancing Act’s “America’s Top Blogger.”

Sitting On Cold Porcelain by Rose A. Valenta

Amusing, perceptive collection of satirical essays about current events and politics by top syndicated columnist and humorist.

Confessions of A Semi-Natural Woman Mostly True Tales of a Woman under the Influence of Laughter by Leigh Anne Jasheway

Funny stuff from award-winning humor writer, motivational speaker, and stand-up comedienne. She has an M.P.H. – “master of public health/mistress of public humor!”

The Women’s Daily Irony Supplement by Judy Gruen

Classic collection of comedic essays on family and foibles that succeeds beautifully at being both sophisticated and relatable.

ENJOY!    What are your favorite humor books?

©2011, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Barb Best and Barb’s Blast with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

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Jury Duty – Sentenced!

8 Nov

You can’t avoid the envelope. It has that unmistakable crimson ink branded on jaundiced yet official looking “Penalty by Law” speckled government surplus paper! The kind of sad paper they use in prison bathrooms, inner city schools and Port-O-Sans.

Oh, joy! It’s your annual “Howdy Duty Time” greeting from the Superior Court of (insert any major city with a crime rate that exceeds its literacy rate.)

It reads: “Hi there chump! Here is your Summons for Jury Service. May your work schedule, social life and special travel plans be disrupted for the foreseeable future. Any slacker who blows this off, pretends to be dead or fakes a highly contagious disease will be fined $1500 (Penal Code FU-505.)”

“You may postpone your service for up to 90 days, but then we’ll really nail your ass on a long gruesome criminal case so why not just go ahead and eat the nasty frog?  After all, jury ‘duty’ is a privilege, not a punishment, right?

They’ve got you licked, so you buck up like a good citizen, put your life on hold and head down to the courthouse on the assigned date.

There is an hour and a half commute in rush hour traffic, a nasty battle for a parking spot, a security process that resembles a cavity search, and an elevator ride where you are sandwiched between beefy guys with gang tattoos plastered across their subway- train-size heads.

The jury room (termed “the pool” – short for cesspool?) is located in the bowels of the courthouse and is depressingly reminiscent of  detention hall in your recurring nightmare of high school hell.

The prospective jurors (“detainees”) are not happy campers. Most feel as if they have just been arrested themselves. Mournful sighs and expressions of “I never thought I’d miss my (insert job, kids, unemployment) so much” ripple through the bereaved bunch like a wave at a baseball game.

At some point (you’ve lost track of time) you’re sent to a courtroom hallway to wait – standing – for a few more hours with a group of 12 x 12 angry men and women.

In the “Voir Dire” (French for “say something Guano crazy and you get to go home”) the judge will ask if anyone has a significant reason not to serve on a trial. This is a highly entertaining opportunity to see just how creative (and desperate) your fellow detainees are – and how far they will go to be sprung from the joint.

A mousy woman peeps up, “I was arrested for an axe murder and it was a bad experience for me. I carry a buzz saw in my underpants. Wanna see?” (Bingo. Bye honey!)

“I hate all cops. They all lie. I wouldn’t believe any cop who told me anything, even if they just saved my twin babies from a burning car crash.” (Ding! You win the freezer. Adios, amigo!)

“I hate all (insert the race, gender, religion, political party of your choice.) The #!#@!#s  are all #!#@!# crooks and should all be executed. Let me flip the #!#@!# switch.”  (Don’t let the door hit your walker on the way out, granny!)

“I hit and run for a hobby. Helps me vent my road rage.  Got a texting teen on the way her!”  (Hmm, were you charged with that? If not, you can serve.)

And so it drags on, a tedious game of twenty dumb bunny questions in excruciatingly slow motion. There is a note taped to the jury box facing our seats. It says: “No gum chewing. No flip-flops. No alcoholic beverages allowed. DO NOT SLEEP!”

As hours and days drag by at a sadistic pace, you may bond inappropriately with total strangers who have been similarly randomly targeted. Affairs are not uncommon as there are more long bathroom and lunch breaks than any preschooler could imagine.

Call it Stockholm syndrome, but you may find yourself falling madly for the handsome judge who looks so sharp in those slimming black robes. Nobody apologizes incessantly for delays the way “Hugh” does.

Then, for no seemingly rational reason at all, it ends abruptly. You are excused. Free to go. Justice has been served. Ode to Joy! Never will you see mentally stable, cold sober folks act so ebullient in public. You’d think they just won fifty grand and a red Corvette on a game show. “Yippee! I’m free! Now I can make my root canal appointment!”

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