Facebook Dudes

16 Aug


You gotta have friends. Song lyrics do not lie.

As an enthusiastic member of the booming Facebook community, you undoubtedly receive numerous, if not hundreds (or thousands if you have a super sexy photo) of friend requests.

Frankly, some of these overtures may come from nefarious dudes who are trolling FB for babe pics to add to their “collections.”


As the classic New Yorker cartoon by Peter Steiner says: “On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.”

True, but there are clues. Look for the red flags. Listen for the “Woof!”

Here are my top 12 Red Flags – what are yours?

  • He is posed proudly in his profile photo wearing a neck brace, a “Star Trek” cap – and no pants.
  • He is smiling creepily in his pic with totally tattooed, ape-hairy arms clasped lustfully around his  a) many motorcycles  b) five teenage wives c) pregnant sister  d) machine gun  e) camel.
  • His photo is a mean, fugly mug shot.  It is embossed with a row of federal I.D. numbers, and the fine print reads “Maximum Security.”
  • He proudly lists among his activities and interests the following:  graffiti, taxidermy, yak farming, farting, and stalking.
  • He claims his favorite TV shows are The View, Oprah!, Rachael Ray, and Ellen.   (Fat chance girlfriend!)

Credit: Ellen DeGeneres Show

  • His FB friends are exclusively lovely women who look amazingly and eerily similar to you.  (Hmmm…  this is no coincidence.)
  • He’s a haggard old geezer, older than your grandfather.
  • He is your grandfather.
  • He spells his name in pig Latin, OR he uses a name that is only initials, i.e. “B.J.”
  • Under “Religion” he proclaims he found God during his first alien abduction.
  • He “Likes” the Charles Manson Music fan page.

Harper Collins Publishers – author of “How To Talk To Girls



18 Responses to “Facebook Dudes”

  1. molly campbell August 16, 2011 at 9:37 am #

    Barb, I adore you, and your blog is HILARIOUS. I loved the film clip. Blondies and dirty blonde. I am on the B list, but just glad to make it. At least I have no CURLS. xoxo

    • BARB BEST August 16, 2011 at 11:17 am #

      Thanks, Molly. That means a lot coming from you – award-winning humorist, author, and master of the Twittersphere @mollydcampbell 🙂

    • molly campbell August 16, 2011 at 1:55 pm #

      A little clarification. I am on that little guy’s B list of women. The A list includes the blondies and the dirty blondes. We poor brown heads are always second, but at least I don’t have curls. I agree about the book deal! Since when do little kids with cute ideas need to have books out? What about all of us who are mature, witty, and actually read above the sixth grade level? lol molly

      • BARB BEST August 16, 2011 at 8:20 pm #

        Ah ha! You’re on the six year old’s “b list!” At least the little whippersnapper didn’t proclaim he was a “leg man” or a “breast man.”

  2. Dana Leipold (@me_randomchick) August 16, 2011 at 9:56 am #

    I’m printing this list out and posting it next to my computer. I need to be more aware of dudes who are interested in “graffiti, taxidermy, yak farming, farting, and stalking.” Ha ha ha!

    • BARB BEST August 16, 2011 at 11:20 am #

      Thanks, Dana @me_randomchick – two of those activities (I’ll let you guess which ones) were actually listed on FB friend requests to me. I swear!

  3. Rachel Thompson (@RachelintheOC) August 16, 2011 at 9:58 am #

    Great post and the clip? Darling. That little boy killed me. You gotta love Ellen. She’s an amazing chick.

    • BARB BEST August 16, 2011 at 11:22 am #

      @RachelintheOC – I agree, Ellen’s terrific, very generous!

  4. Rachel Thompson (@RachelintheOC) August 16, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    Hmmm…left a comment but I don’t think it posted. 😦

    Great post & that clip is darling. That kid has a future! Ellen is amazing. Her timing is fab & I love the opportunities she gives to people. She’s a really good person.

    • BARB BEST August 16, 2011 at 11:25 am #

      Comment posted just fine 🙂 However, isn’t it annoying when every doggone six year old has a book deal with Harper Collins? The kid is enterprising!

  5. Joanne (@OpinionsToGo) August 16, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

    Your list is EXACTLY why I am not on facebook! One thing
    you forgot to mention… the good looking articulate ones
    aka…Ted Bundy!

    • BARB BEST August 16, 2011 at 8:08 pm #

      Thanks, good choice! Some of those photos actually may be Ted Bundy…

  6. Jamie August 17, 2011 at 11:56 am #

    Any man with a “pretty” picture. Even pictures with all their kids. If they happen to look all buff and posed, eek. Vanity + men = creepy.

    That was a great post. Lots of truth..

  7. harlan petersen August 18, 2011 at 9:12 pm #

    Years ago (too many) during my bachelor years, I attempted to find a date via the new technique of computer dating (at that time) but did not have much success for any long lasting relationship. Other more traditional ways worked out better. However I hope that this new “Facebook technique” works out well for many young searchers . . . altho there are many characters that young women should be wary of.
    It works quite well though, for connecting cousins across the Atlantic as is done by our
    daughter and her daughters.

    • BARB BEST August 21, 2011 at 5:07 pm #

      Harlan, I couldn’t agree with you more! 🙂

  8. Dawn August 22, 2011 at 10:51 am #

    I used to get these requests. Then I hid myself from almost everyone. One guy “Sergei Gehan” was extremely handsome. Then I realized he looked familiar. Then I realized the picture was Jake Gyllenhaal. Ol’ Sergei had used Jake’s profile pic as his own. Ha! He almost had me. I almost friended him. Because Jake is HAWT! Apparently Sergei was NOT! lol

    • BARB BEST August 23, 2011 at 10:18 am #

      Funny stuff, Dawn. It is tempting to click on those (often bogus) super attractive pics of people!

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