I have a bucket list, but I also have a F*#!-it” List.
25 THINGS I DON’T WANNA DO BEFORE I CROAK!
1) Have my hard drive crash, thus losing decades of cherished family photo albums and irreplaceable funny cat videos.
2) A lumbar puncture. There does not exist a potent enough painkiller in the cosmos to make this procedure tolerable, let alone pleasurable.
3) A fiscal colonoscopy by Wall Street or the I.R.S.
4) A taste tour of Malaysian food stalls and rat-infested street bazaars with Andrew Zimmern, the oafish host of The Travel Channel‘s “Bizarre Foods.” Call me unadventurous, but I got zero hankerings for his brand of “gourmet” food – goat gonads tartare, fried scorpion nuts and snake snot on-a-stick. Yuck… it, dude!
Photo Credit: The Travel Channel
5) Wear “Pugnacious Purple” incessantly. This color looks great on The California Raisins, but not on me!
Photo Credit: kisbyto.blogspot.com
The tiniest blemishes and flaws – especially those on your face, neck and ankles due to errant veins and capillaries – will POP like fireworks in the blackest night. Do you really want to stick out like a sore Barney the Dino?
I Love You!
6) Sleep with Mick Jagger. Such an ill-advised tryst would result in a case of multiple whip lash caused by his colossal… wrinkles.
7) Sit through one more vulgar, moronic male buddy comedy. You know who you are – Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler.
8 ) Clean out that weird mess imbedded in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator.
9) Lose that elusive five (okay, fifteen) pounds.
10) Enjoy sit-ups and belly fat crunches. I don’t want to feel the burn – I don’t even want to feel the lukewarm. (Luke Wilson, maybe..)
11) Swim from Cuba to the Florida Keys. (Good try, Diana Nyad)
Photo Credit: Best of Florida Keys
12) Master the Macarena.
13) Learn Mandarin.
14) Rub elbows and knees with Brad and Angelina.
15) Wear a sleep bra.
16) Read a history of sock puppets.
17) Get excited about the latest celebrity hairstyles (exception – Lady Gaga)
18) Savor the subtle hint of hot sauce in Al Roker’s Artichoke Dip.
19) Cuddle an armadillo.
Photo Credit: Jerry Segraves
20) Be stalked by TMZ – especially if I’m sans make-up.
21) Embrace rap music and hip-hop. “Yo, ho bitch.”
22) Pretend I’m remotely interested in the NFL picks, lingerie football or ice hockey brawls.
23) Watch another cutesy car insurance commercial.
24) Boo hoo over spilled soy milk.
25) Regret missed planes, bad luck, false friends and lost loves.
EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW! WHAT’S ON YOUR F*#!-it LIST?
Related articles
- Diana Nyad Begins Her Cuba-to-Florida Swim (huffingtonpost.com)
Barb's Blast 
I love this list!!! I have a few things I don’t want to do, as well. Crack cocaine, for instance. I’m going to have to give this one some thought – see if I can round of 25.
Thanks, K8edid. Would love to hear your list!
All right, I did one – not as many great pics as yours, but still had fun with it. I did have to include Andrew Zimmern (but I’d be surprised if he wasn’t on a LOT of F^%! It Lists). Pop over and check it out.
Thanks, K8edid – imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!
LOVE your list and attitude. I relate – especially alligator wrestling, snake handling, competitive eating contests, ice hotels, anything to do with camping. However, I enjoy para sailing, can’t do it enough – it’s an amazing experience!
funny
Ugh. Cleaned the bio-hazard in my fridge the other day. Awful. Love these list posts. They aren’t easy to do. 🙂
You, Dawn at DawnLightenUp are a braver woman than I.
I agree with you. Someone needs to invent a self-cleaning fridge device. That would ROCK!
Yes, nursemommylaughs! Maybe a robot?
What the hell is a sleep bra? That sounds terrifying!
Yes, terrifying! So I hear…
Seriously speaking, I wouldn’t want to be dependent on others for life before I croak. *Gulp*
Staying healthy is a tough job *thinks of chocolate ice-cream*
I agree with you, great point.
I’d like to add:
** Sleep with my ex. Ever again…
** See Carrot Top in person.
** Know how it feels to have a parasite.
** NOT have a bat-sh*t crazy life to blog about (it’s fun to have fodder, isn’t it?).
I love your list, BTW! 🙂
Love your list, Mikalee! Carrot Top and tapeworm – Ha!
Mikalee I often see your comments pop up on freshly pressed sites and they often provide me with a giggle. This along with Barb’s awesome original post and my morning coffee gave me my much needed Friday morning giggle! Thanks!
Totally agree with your first point!!! Much exclamation points after that one for me! Parasites, well they are just so wrong! Much agreeing on this one also! And the people that purposefully attempt to get them in order to lose weight need help urgently!
Haha — WAY agreeing on the copious exclamation points after my first addendum. In fact, there aren’t enough in the world…
I’m so glad I read Barb’s awesome post myself — food for thought!
🙂
Who in their right mind would EVER want to sleep with Mick Jagger?? Well, unless he’s on your bucket list along with “Getting Gonorrhea”. So gross.
Great list and congratulations on being Freshly Pressed! 😀
Great list! Agree with most of this (especially about cleaning out the fridge and being stalked by TMZ). However, I love armadillos! While I might not wish to cuddle one, I certainly am not against the idea (I’ll do it if it’s a domesticated armadillo. Haha, call me weird!). I think I’ll go compose my own list of 25 things now. Thanks for sharing!
I love this post! So funny!
At the top of my list would be hearing the pilot say “Oh, CRAP!”
Or the surgeon say “oops”.
HA! You said it!
loved these—especially the bradgelia one—for me I will never go on a cheap cruise filled with a boat load of drunk vacationers that normally I would avoid like a plague. Also spending my twilight years lolling around in a RV at 35 mph does not remotely make my “must do list”.
1) “Sink” a “basket,” or whatever the proper terminology is for doing something positive in a sport of some kind.
2) Appreciate avant-garde anything.
3) Eat anything with its head still on.
22 more to go …
I had a lumbar puncture when I was sixteen. One of the most painful memories of my life. You could die a happy death having never experienced this. HaHa
Oh my god …can’t. stop. laughing. I’m pretty sure this was the funniest post I’ve ever read.
Jen, I LOVE YOU! Do subscribe, see you on Twitter. 🙂 Barb @HaBarb
L-O-V-E the concept of a F*#!-it list . . . I shall go about writing mine immediately. Starting with item #1) Actually do something “immediately” that I say I will . . . . 😛
haha. I appreciated this more than I can say. How can I learn to be just like you??
I agree with so many of these, love this post because it’s very witty!
lol..cool.. everyone always writes things they wanna do before they die, never things they dont wanna do..i enjoyed it..:-D
Thanks for the giggle. I plan to forward this blog link to some friends who will agree with so much of your list. Great writing! Numero uno on my list would be joining Facebook. So not happening. Too much life to live outside the little ‘f.’ Tent camping and taking private, pilot lessons would follow.
I’m with you on number 7. Urgh! Can’t stand it!
I despise cleaning the fridge – like a necessary evil thing that must be done. Self cleaning for the oven, toliet and shower – how about the fridge people??? There is always something sticky, stinky and stuck on in the fridge. I do not care for what Andrew Zimmern eats either – just plain disgusting – probably could experiment with the fridge mess and Andrew would probably eat it – YUCK:( Congrats on being FP!
Thank you, good points!
I love the idea of having an F*** it list!
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed.
Thanks, TJ – I’m a big believer in all kinds of lists!
Very interesting list! Can relate to #7 for sure.
I’m going to have to write an entire blog post in response to this, so I won’t take up much space here other that to remind myself to ping back to you as soon as I remember how.
-Elia
Thanks, Ermilia. Looking forward to reading your post – send me a link @HaBarb on Twitter.
Having had a hard drive struck by lightning and a lumbar puncture, i object to them being within the top 2 together. A hard drive crash is the.worst.thing.ever! You can not recover from that! You can recover from a lumbar puncture. There should be at least 2 blank spaces after hard drive crashery that just shows how horrific and traumatic that experience can be! Id also rather have a lumbar puncture than sleep with mick jagger. Dont hate on the L-puncture. Its not that bad. (And I live in a “3rd world” country where medical instruments are not as advanced!)
Amen to number 7. It’s so bad too, because I think their commercials look good.
As for me, personally, I think I could live without causing a nuclear war. 🙂
At first I was surprised by the negativity of your list. Don’t want to learn Mandarin…what? I’m totally interested in learning. Learning Welsh…not so much. I guess it makes sense for a list of things you DON’T want to not be very positive. This is not a criticism, just an observation. You have your own list just like everyone else does. On the bright side, your post’s title got me to click and read. Keep up the good work.
2) A lumbar puncture. <— Had this done.. Not pleasant at all.
Hope you have a great day!
Thanks & Have a great day, DeAnna!
Wow. What a blog. So much to read and so little time. Thanks for sharing. Connie
http://7thandvine.wordpress.com/
Ok, this is a great idea. My blog revolved around my 30 Before 30 for awhile, but i never considered a list of things I didn’t want to do. Off the top of my head…”I don’t want to pay a lot for this muffler!” Haha…remember those commercials? Wow, not sure why that was the first thing that came to mind. Anyway, great post!
HA, sportsjim81! that’s a long list: “I don’t want to pay a lot for this ____!”
This is AWESOME!
Making an F-it list as soon as I possibly can.
Great, Mariana! Send me a link! @HBarb on Twitter 🙂
Enjoyed this list A LOT. Thank you!
Another thing i am not going to do before i head off is buy anything that needs dry-cleaning. It always ends up in the wash basket and gets totally ruined. Wasted hundreds of bills for just one wear.
I also love the idea of a self cleaning fridge… Gonna write that one up on mine over at lebeermat.
Hey GG, would love to see your list!
I’m not going to go bungee jumping, parachuting, bridge swinging or anything else that involves dizzy heights, or fear-forced adrenalin.
Or go on a hippy, find myself quest to India (why spend the money when you can waste it on a shrink in the comfort of your own home with a cup of caffeine?)
Or wear crocs (the most ugly shoes I’ve ever seen)
Neither am I going to ever be employed again (working for yourself is better – at least it is if you’re unemployable like me ;0)
I’ll probably never have the garden of my dreams either (but I wont let that stop me pulling up weeds on a daily basis)
Nor shall I wish I was young again – been there done that and collected far too many t-shirts
Or pretend to like football or male satire…
I will not read the ‘classics’ of literature – honestly they bore me. If i want to read something, i want to be able to read it and enjoy it without having to decode and analyse ever flippin’ sentence!
And I’ll never be cool. But hey… I’m cool with that :0)
Congrats on making Freshly Pressed!
My “F*#!-it” List would have to include moving back in with either parent. When you’re in your mid-40s (like me) the idea is just creepy!
I’d visit the ice hotel, but I don’t think I’d stay overnight.
Having my cooking evaluated by Gordon Ramsay would be up there, even though I’m a darn good cook. The bio-hazard at the bottom of the refrigerator brought that to mind…not because I have one, but because he sees so many on Kitchen Nightmares.
I’d have to think a little harder to fill in the other 22 items.
thanks, The Ice Hotel – that’s a good one!
Love your post. I think my don’t wants would be similar, I have better things to do before I die than to click the next button on the slideshow of celeb hairstyles and possibly pregnant articles. I also don’t ever want to join a choir or watch MINUTE TO WIN it ever again. Time I’ll just never get back. Great Blog, I’ll be back.
Hi-larious list. What I don’t wanna do before I croak: lose my sense of humor. Thanks for the morning giggle.
Love your “lose my sense of humor” – Amen!
ha! I love it. i used to have a list like this on my former blog. Everyone should have one. I know mine would need updated. That was a couple of years ago. I know I need to add “Watch a Jersey Shore marathon” to the list
JuJuBee, great one – “Watch a Jersey Shore marathon!” 🙂 Barb
Wow great list! What a creative alternative to the standard bucket list. Props to you!!
http://howficklemyheart.wordpress.com
Thanks, great name: howficklemyheart 🙂
I am tweeting this for sure. My favorite is “not sleep with Mick Jagger”. Who said he was sexy anyway?? Now Patrick Stewart….
Soooo agree with 8 and 9!
LMAO! OMG, love it!!
I can do with out Andrew Zimmerman’s adventures in eating as well.
You have me thinking now……
Great post! Needed a great laugh! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
I’d say you covered it pretty well!
Okay, love it. Never thought of a f*&kit list before but now that we’re on the subject… you can add Bob Dylan’s name right beside Mick Jaggers… and I don’t think I’d want to be one of Charlie Sheen’s love goddesses either! Wonderfully funny stuff. You’e my new idol!
This is awesome! I think I’ll start my own.
“Fiscal colonoscopy” hilarious & apt! And please god–I don’t want one, either.
Hey Sarah – advicewithagrainofsalt.wordpress.com “Salt: advice with a grain of NaCl Insight for the befuddled” – your blog looks intriguing!
This is absolutely fantastic! I’ve always had a massive bucket list but this is fuel for thought!
thanks!
4: Please….Andrew Zimmern isn’t oafish! He’s a connoisseur of world cultures. Did you catch the episode where he had a dinner made entirely of penises in Asia?
7: You forgot Judd Apatow movies with Seth Rogen. Will Ferrell’s pretty funny, I think.
Good points! Judd Apatow vs. Will Ferrell: I loved Kristen Wigg in Judd’s “Bridesmaids!”
Great list. I may have to steal your idea and do one of my own. If I do I will re-post yours…..which I will probably do anyway.
Yes, please do! Would love that! 🙂
Funny list there.
Thanks for this laugh! It was much needed and it made my day! 🙂
Thank you, Kirsten. you made my day, too!
wow LOL xD love this! 😀
Haha. You had me at “fiscal colonoscopy.”
thanks 🙂
You should be careful about armadillos, you can get leprosy from that shit.
Love this. Great list. I’d say #1 on my list would be to avoid ice skating…for the rest of my life. My ankles are not strong enough to hold my body up in rickety, old, used, smelly ice skates on slippery ice just to go around in a circle over and over again. I have no desire for bruises from falling on rock hard freezing cold ice and frost bitten toes . Some people say this makes me “no fun,” but I would be happy if I never ice skated again!
I LOVVVEEEE This! LOVE!
I never want to . . .
1. Go to a Scrapbooking Convention
2. Learn to play the banjo
3. Understand the opposite sex
4. Date a Senator
Thanks for the laugh, and causing me to look at life from another angle today.
Thank you, Olivia! love your list, can we add “accordian” and “congressperson?”
As someone who has had not one but TWO lumbar punctures, I can tell you you are totally NOT missing out on anything. For real. They were awful. The post, however, is hilarious!
I never want to see a TERMINATOR 2 remake by God i’ll cry!
You have a great sense of humor: current, young and with it. What did you have to do to get into Freshly Pressed?
Best of luck to you…..
A non FP blogger,
Ronnie
Appreciated this list so so much first thing on a Friday morning!!! Much needed giggles!!! I am a HUGE lover of lists! I turned 25 3 years ago and started realising that I have spent the majority of my life helping others fulfill their needs without much regard for my own and that maybe I should be making time to fulfill my needs too. I was in a job I wasn’t happy in, single, introverted blah blah sob story (AKA Bridget Jones with an Aussie accent), got very angry at myself for being a doormat and decided to rediscover life,laugh more, love myself more and find joy in the little things because that would be a much more worthwhile use of my life. 3 years on I am engaged to the most amazing guy I have ever met, I have sung on stage with some amazing Australian artists, I am 1 year off finishing a bachelor of information studies and I am working in a job I LOVE at a University Library.
This was all thanks to a promise list I made to myself – you have inspired me to write an F-it list! And possibly a post on my promise list and what it has gained me… Thank you!!! I am subscribing the second I post my comment!
This made my day, thanks!
a completely new perspective of life i have never think of
i always read the to-do lists
thanks for providing inspirations in life. ^^
Hi Barb, loved your post, you go girl!! lol, several times. Congrats on being FP
Knock on wood! Hahah I loved this post and congrats on Freshly pressed! I am known for being an avid bucket list keeper but a list of things I don’t want to do before I die sounds more challenging. Future blog post? I think so.
I was laughing myself silly reading this list (apart from the lumber puncture thingy which is not fun but sometimes necessary) until I got to #13 Learn Mandarin – WTF thats what I’m doing NOW, in my 60s – maybe I’m crazy? (don’t answer that it was a rhetorical question).My excuse is that I find myself living in Beijing. Now I’m off to compile my own list…you’ve really started something Barb!
Thank you and greetings to you in Beijing! Would love to see your list!
Although I would like to lose the 5 pounds, I would NOT want to smoke, do drugs, wear a bikini, take a philosophy class, get a body piercing, watch the extended edition of LOTR, and a lot of other random things.
great post! very original
-grace
I’m so glad that this was posted on FP! Before reading your post, I didn’t notice how large Barney the singing dinosaur’s hips are. That’s kind of strange to make a costume with such large, child-bearing hips on a male dinosaur. No stranger I guess than putting a tuxedo and microphone on a purple raisin.
Hilarious! I love this comment! Very funny!
#7 was spot on sista! Tell them to stop making movies!!!!
Great twist on the bucket list. Great job.
Thank you for the laugh and for helping me think about my own list. A sleep bra??? Never heard of it, but sounds absolutely awful. Great post.
Love this Barb! Gave me a great chuckle and I am going to have to do my own list on my blog! Bravo! 🙂
Adding “Turkish Bath” would be a good one NOT to do! Don’t ask:), run for any length of time (without being chased) nor be allergic to chocolate!
My goodness, I couldn’t agree more about #7! So sad to think about the hours I will never get back after watching those ridiculous “comedies.” Never again!
26: Use the word “croak”…oh wait…
Great List. Love it. Check out the food in Malaysia here: http://www.turnthere.wordpress.com
Not that bad, some that that good, and if you’re unlucky enough to get food posioning then chalk it up to what else, bad luck.
thanks,
Dave
I tried learning Mandarin. It was a pain in the ass and made me weep. I’m now learning Japanese, which is also a pain in the ass and is about to make me weep. I should have taken up Spanish.
Brilliant. xD But why would you not want to master Macarena? Come on. 😀
great list! it made me laugh 🙂
The number one thing on my F#^# it list? I never want to see another episode of that so-called reality TV series Jersey Shore. If that’s their idea of a show, I wonder what their definition of a movie is.
This is a fantastic list. I feel inspired now. I have a list of things I want to do before I kick it, but I’ve never thought about things I didn’t want to do…like go skydiving or voluntarily watch Avatar.
The ‘Mick Jagger’ thing was absolutely hilarious!! ha ha ha…Amazing list!
lol, agree with you !!
I’m with you on #7, 15, and 22 – you nailed those for me! who cares about your mid-life guy crisis? wah, wah, wah, BORING! watching that stuff inspires cynicism in me so I avoid it.
sweet list. congrats on FP!
Those were fun! Thanks for a great way to start the day with a laugh.
haha this is amazingly hilarious. love it!
🙂
uponatlas.
What a fun post. Was smiling from ear to ear reading it. Thanks!
What the heck is a nightbra? I guess it probably is what it says it is… weird 🙂
Feel Luke Wilson..Lmao. This is the best freshly pressed in my opinion!
wow the list is hilarious. it makes me realize exactly what i DONT want to do too.pls visit my site it feels lonely
In fairness, cuddling an armadillo sounds like something pleasureable in comparison with cavorting with Mick Jagger, or watching Adam Sandler . . . .
Just reminded me of me things on your list that i to, would like to have no part in ever doing. nice! love it!
Awesome F*ck It list!
This made me laugh first thing this morning, Thanks for sharing and you have inspired this blogger to do like wise 🙂
Ha! That’s great. I found your blog via “Freshly Pressed” and I love it!
I don’t wanna croak….until I really have to…and then I’m still gonna resist.
This is too funny! #8 literally made me laugh out loud…and go look in my refrigerator. You are absolutely right! Congrats of being Freshly Pressed!
I bet Mick Jagger will be pi*%ed.
Congratulations on knowing what you do not want to do, I think it might be even more important than knowing what one wants to do.
Enjoy being Freshly Pressed!
Nice list! I don’t think I could ever understand rap or hip hop music. Besides, they all sound the same with their headache-causing beats that bounce around in your skull for minutes on end. No thank you, lol.
hilarious. i love it.
Love it – thanks for a wonderful laugh. I don’t want to do any of that stuff either!!!
Awesome list. I’d have to add a loud AMEN to the Mick Jagger one. That anybody has ever had the desire to have sex with that man is beyond me.
and here I am learning Mandarin… along with Japanese and Korean.
Well either way interesting list indeed, and if I had a list #21 would… defenitly(?) be in there…
I do know of one thing that I never want to do…again. Get food poisoning!
Poor armadilloes, all animals need a cuddle sometimes!
Loved it. Noticed however, that you and most of the commenters are women and much younger than me. As a 70 year old man, I have already not done most of the things you don’t want to do. Well, maybe ALL of the things you don’t want to do. (Mick promised not to tell.)
Ha! No regrets, huh?
Thanks for this post and fresh perspective! Here’s one think I don’t want to do: I don’t want to lose my sarcastic sense of humor
Amen!
I sooooo need a “F@*k It” list! Maybe something including 1) dance on a speaker, 2) experience a spiral fracture, 3) take a cross-border Outlet Mall shopping trip (I’d rather stick rusty pins in my eyes), 4) watch any movie starring Will Farrell….
I love your item number 25. I think a whole bucket list could be built around living to have no regrets. Love it!
And what exactly is wrong with mastering the macarena :p
nuttin’ honey 😀
I just never want to get so old and decrepit that I need Life Alert. Am I asking too much? lol
That’s a really cool list! Like the out-of-the-box thinking! 🙂
Funny list! There are definitely things on there that are totally avoidable, so the list is do-able. For me I’d have to add any type of extreme sport like bungee jumping or skydiving. I just have no need to try to end my life prematurely.
I’m not fussy, but before Death sends me on my merry way I’m going to try and avoid the following:
1 – Fall into a bottomless pit
2 – Get seduced by a Siren
3 – Start leaving comments on blogs
Thank you for making an exception on #3!
Gotta agree with the bizarre foods one! SUCH A WIERD SHOW!
Good blog post, though of things to do before I am worm food, but never things not to do.
Things I’d like not to do before I die:
1) Use a rectal barometer
2) Wet myself
3) Become a custodian at a strip joint
4) Watch Steel Magnolias 10 times in a row
5) Watch any portion of Steel Magnolias
6) Become infamous for something embarrassing
7) Discover that there is a cure for whatever I’m dying of, but whatever I have has advanced too far for the cure to have any effect
8) Discover someone who is more than 6 degrees from Kevin Bacon
A classic dude list, Edward! “Steel Magnolias” – people love it or hate it.
Stop you’re killing me! I saw the Mick Jagger bit and fell about laughing. Thanks for the giggle
Bucket lists are all about doing things before you kick off Planet Earth. But leading my $%^&-it list is…GROWING OLD! The digits that make up my age might increase, but I. Will. Never. Grow. Old.
http://www.onegeekgirl.wordpress.com
I’m with you, Adrianne!
“8 ) Clean out that weird mess imbedded in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator” <–Me either! I think it used to be celery. Maybe carrots. Possibly peppers. I'm not really sure. E
Hmm things i don’t want to do before i kick it.
well i don’t want to keep my mouth shut when my boss does something incredible stupid like call tech support to help him delete a column in an excel spreadsheet.
at the age of 40 I don’t want to have a 3rd heart attack from stress
and I certainly don’t want to get tossed in jail and made to share a cell with a large man with the nickname of cuddles