Credit: theknot.com.au

In Scrabble, the letter “F” merits a respectable four points. There are only two “F” tiles in the game set, which makes the number of words you can form with the letter “F” relatively limited.

In the real world, the “F” word is everywhere.

In the evolution of the English language, when did “Oh, darn!” become  “Oh, Fu#!” What happened to “friggin?” When did “fudge” deteriorate into “Fu#!”?

When did “take the F train” become “take the ‘Fu#!-ing’ train?”

When did dropping the F-bomb so casually become the status quo?

“F” used to convey a meaning of failure.  A rude, red “F” on a spelling quiz or a math exam would elicit disappointment, or at the least – some extra homework.  Now, “F” means “Fantastic! Fabulous! Good effort! You’re gifted.“

Thank you, Adam Mansbach for your mega bestseller, “Go The F**k To Sleep.”

I’m writing a new book entitled “Stop hurling the “F” word every five seconds because you’re coarsening the language and culture. Plus it’s lazy and boring!”

At some point, talking like a truck driver became cooler than driving a truck.  But like carbon emissions, sulfur dioxide, and lead, “F” contributes to air pollution.

We expect a liberal use of the “F” word from sailors, soldiers, pimps, graffiti artists, New Jersey housewives, Vice Presidents, and F-list stand-up comics, but not from role models or mommy bloggers.

Overheard at the dinner table:

Ten year old daughter:  “Mommy uses the “F” word on her blog!”

Hubs (to Mom):  “You do?”

Mom:  “No, of course not. Well, sometimes, but -”

Daughter:  “You shouldn’t say ‘butt’ either.”

Mom:  “Sweetheart, I’m a writer. I have poetic license.”

Daughter:  “I saw the “F” word twice on your last post.”

Hubs:  “Great. I hope my parents don’t read your blog.”

Daughter:  “And she says it on Twitter ALL the time!”

Hubs:  “Geez…”

Mom:  “Well, you know, everyone else does it…”

Daughter:  “In CAPS. On Twitter. That’s like yelling it.”

Mom:  “It’s for dramatic effect.  I’m using the vernacular. Look it up, honey.”

Daughter:  “In the dictionary?”

Mom:  “Just Google it. V-E-R-”

Daughter:  “Never mind, Mommy. Fu#!” it!”

*****

What do you think?

Related articles

• “Go The F**k To Sleep” Author Adam Mansbach (omnivoracious.com)

This sharp little Mini Cooper S Convertible is officially “Champagne“ colored.

Topless!

However accurate they may be, the words “Beige,” “Fungus,” and “Urine” don’t seem to have the same attraction as “Champagne.”

I hope the paint doesn’t have a lot of bubbles in it.

I’ll bet it’s really easy to get a DUI in this  car.

Cruising topless in your champagne colored car = joy ride.

“Passion” perfume.

Credit: Californiaperfumes.com

Names like “Bonking,” “Boffing,” or “Horny” don’t hold the same power or charm as “Passion,” do they?

“Kiss.”

Photo Credit: Amazon.com

Obviously, “Kiss” says it better than “peck,” “canoodle,” or “buss.”

Hershey

Hershey “Pecks?” “Smooches?” “Osculations?” No thank you.

Paris Hilton “Tease.”

Credit: Cupidspulse.com

“Tease” says it better than “Shallow,” “Ditzy,” or “Silly Billy.”  Smells like… money!

“My Funny Valentine” available on Amazon as a paperback and an eBook http://amzn.to/tgOu8b

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

Related articles

• Celebrate With Champagne – Easy Tips on Choosing Champagne for Your Wedding (lizpalmer.wordpress.com)
• Paris Hilton’s Can Can: A Blind Sniff Test (bellasugar.com)

WHAT DO WOMEN WANT?

What do women want, dude?

I’ll tell you!

Kill the black widow spider

Smash the horse fly

Wrestle that ’gator in yonder lake

Slice the venom-spitting snake.

Pulverize the prowler

In one Superman swoop,

No spurting blood

No cracking bones

Do it nice, don’t tell me how

No messes, but do it now.

What do women want, dude?

I’ll tell you!

Purr like a kitten, tiger

Dance the Howdy Doody

Rock ‘n Roll me with violins,

Shower me with mortal sins.

Sail me love letters

In my alphabet soup

Stir it hard,

Use your imagination,

Be a prince, show some stately grace,

Valentine me with diamonds and lace.

What do women want, dude?

Most of all?

At least try to enthrall,

A dozen red roses, pricks and all.

Available on Amazon as a paperback and an eBook http://amzn.to/tgOu8b

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

Related articles

• My Funny Valentine (barbsblast.wordpress.com)
• Valentine’s Day Facts & Superstitions (proflowers.com)

A penny saved is worth five to fifteen in the slammer.

According to the Associated Press, 1-24-12:

“A former dentist in Massachusetts has pleaded guilty to Medicaid fraud for using paper clips instead of stainless steel posts in root canals. Authorities say instead of stainless steel posts for root canals, he used sections of paper clips — which can cause pain and even infection — in an effort to save money.”

Root canal is bad enough… without your endodontist cutting (no pun, ouch) corners in such a tawdry fashion. Instead…

Couldn’t he have just cancelled some of those swanky magazine subscriptions in his office?

Or sell the flat screen TV in the waiting room? Not necessary!  Nobody’s looking at it. Everybody has their head up focused on their cell phones.

Maybe cut down on the annoying muzak in the examining rooms? Man, we’re nervous enough.

Wax his own damn moustache?

This won't hurt a bit!

Not pick up the tab for his perky, big boobed receptionist’s weekly manicures?

Engage in some serious extreme couponing like everyone else?

Oy, I wonder…  Did he also recycle the bloody gauze from patients’ mouths?

Did he instruct his patients to bring their own water to rinse?

Stock up on his instruments from this guy?

If you’d like to indulge your paranoia over dentists, check these entertaining gems out:

Images: Barb Best and Wikimedia Commons.

©2012, Barb Best and Barb’s Blast Humor Blog. All rights reserved.

Direct questions regarding permissions: barbsblast@gmail.com

Be a fan of “Barb’s Blast Humor Blog” on Facebook, CLICK HERE
Follow me on Twitter, CLICK HERE

The reviews are rolling in…

GRADY HARP, Hall of Fame Reviewer, says:

“One of those `must have’ books not only because it is terrific reading but also because it has a lot to say about contemporary relationships. Kudos to a crew of writers who are very in the know about love and relationships. This is a little treasure of a book with some of the most terse humor being written today!”

“a fun read by 40 of the funniest writers in America”

“a little treasure of a book”

“hilarious bits by Barb Best”

A fresh and funny gift for “Love Day” – goes great with chocolate, flowers, hugs, kisses, diamonds, cars, gulf stream jets, Malibu beach houses, sock puppets!

Paperback and eBook on sale at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

FUN STUDY GUIDE

Your kid doesn’t need a “Tiger Mom” to berate or shame him or her into being a good student.

They don’t need to be workaholics or spend all their time on homework, test prep, calculus or – God forbid – the violin!

All they need is a desire to succeed, positive motivation, respect, common sense and solid advice from a student who’s been there and done that – recently.

Help your kid! Help yourself! Get this down-to-earth study guide from Princeton University graduate Suzanne Raga in an easy to read and entertaining eBook.

*You can buy the eBook for $4.99 at Amazon and Barnes & Noble

http://yourockbook.wordpress.com/

About (Late) Last Night: ‘Tiger Mother’ Amy Chua defends herself to Stephen Colbert [Video].

You go, girl!

Reese Witherspoon gets my vote for one of the funniest movies ever  – Election.

Directed by Alexander Payne. Based on the novel by Tom Perrotta. Screenplay by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor. 1999. Paramount.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE ELECTION MOVIE?

Good luck, honey!

1. I will downsize. This will involve donating 25 years + of crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk) that I no longer use and not getting new crap (nonsense, rubbish, junk). Clutter (see “crap”) is not only “stuck energy” – it is a real hassle to dust.
2. I will rid myself of the tendency to complain, whine, and kvetch. Gee, this is so hard to do… Whaa! Whaa! Whaa! OMG, what will I write about? Whaaaa!
3. No matter how compelling the separation issues may be, the laptop and cell phone will not be taken into the bathroom. Too many close calls (get it? calls?)
4. I will try not to stoop to the level of cheap puns and scatological humor (unless, of course, it amuses me and tickles the dog).
5. I will stop harboring the desire to eat an entire double-decker box of dark chocolate covered cherries in one sitting unless I’m given a month to live or have really bad PMS, then all bets are off.
6. However captivating it is to my Twitter followers, I will not tweet inappropriately from (i.e. nice restaurants, children’s birthday parties, business meetings, dental appointments, bed, car accidents, funerals, etc.). Social propriety trumps the compulsion to provide non-stop yuks (often at the expense of loved ones) to total strangers.
7. I will stop using the Lord’s name (and the Duggars) in vain. Amen.
8. When dressed in exercise clothes, I will actually make a serious effort to go to the gym and exercise.
9. I will stop considering french fries “vegetables” and strawberry licorice “fruit.”
10. I will not pull on my cuticles and shred them like confetti, no matter how dry they are or how excruciatingly boring the meeting/conversation/TV show is.

Minus 12 Grams Fiber

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Back Off Buster!

If, like me, you suspect the downfall of the western world is imminent and most likely due to technology gone wild, dumb as rock politicians, the annoying media, rusty nipple rings, and those damn Kardashians…

Take a deep breath (in and out)

Then indulge in an unreality break before the new year is upon us like mayo on rye.

Put your feet up,

Sit a spell,

Enjoy a cat video or two…

Life is short (time challenged)

You only have one while kitty has nine!

Happy New Year!

I Believe I Can Fly!

My Cat massaging My Dog

Mum Cat Video 4 Million Views +

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1-800-Pet-Meds

Has your dog “Snippy” had his photo taken with Santa yet?

Has he sat on Santa’s lap and communicated his heartfelt wants?

According to the L.A. Times, an Associated Press-Petside.com poll shows 52% of pet owners plan to buy their animals a holiday gift — up from 43% last year.

Your cat “Snots” may insist she only wants world peace for Christmas, but I recommend you have a bag or two of her favorite 90 proof catnip snaps on hand just in case.

poundrescue.com

I’ll bet Snippy’s been a really good boy. (We’ll forget about the four sticks of margarine he ate off the kitchen counter yesterday afternoon. Guess his next big gift to you will come already wrapped… I can’t believe it’s not butter!)

Have you bought him a paw-shaped holiday stocking full of candy cane raw hides?

Or a cute, stuffed toy to sleep with and/or rip to pieces?

He may appreciate some fashionable apparel this season. Leopard tees and red turtlenecks are quite handsome – especially on the less dignified breeds.

Snippy will surely enjoy a spa treatment with honey shampoo, tingling chocolate mint conditioner, spray-on detangler and a much needed teeth whitening.

Ever floss a Rotweiller?  (I didn’t think so…)

Hey Fluffy, why not some Botox to go along with those precious pink bows?

A gift certificate for an acupuncture session is a thoughtful gift for the pooch who barks incessantly. You will enjoy it, too.

If puppy seems stressed all the time, why not enlist a therapy dog for him?

It’s the gift that keeps giving.

After all, aren’t ALL dogs therapy dogs?

Memo from the cat:
It’s a wonderful time to donate to local animal welfare organizations and/or adopt a pet!!!

* We wish you a hairy Christmas * We wish you a hairy Christmas *

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• In some homes, holidays revolve around Rover (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
• What Pet Toys Would Snoopy Enjoy? (savings.com)
• Therapy Dogs (tricitypsychology.com)
• Therapy dogs help kids learn to read (abclocal.go.com)